Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Swine? What Swine? It's All About the Flamingos!

Warning: Once again, must warn you... if you are not clinically insane, or close, you should stop reading now. This message will cut down on the amount of hate mail I receive. Thank you for your time... and read on if you're one of the fun ones, like me!
About the Central Ohio Flamingo Flu: DO NOT FREAK OUT PEOPLE! Media coverage will make this a water cooler discussion leading to heart attacks and anorexia. Don't get sucked into these antics. This is a serious case, but nothing Bob the Builder and some stick-poking admission charges won't cure:

There are so many bugs floating around out there... the Plague (hey, we'll all be plagued with something eventually, right?) and now the panic-causing swine flu. It is quite scary if you hang out with people who sleep in barns with their piglet friends, or have a swine fetish. I personally am not a huge fan of pork. I do enjoy bacon on occasion. Whether on the plate, or waddling around in a field, pigs are not my friends. I feel for them with this flu... no one is thinking of the pigs' feelings and the need for pig hospitalization. It's all about the humans! Just leave the pigs out of it, why don't ya? They invented it! Give em some credit.

So, tonight I was very distraught watching our local Central Ohio news station. We are now being overtaken by the incredulous FLAMINGO FLU! That's right! When coming in contact with a Central Ohio Flamingo, you will immediately notice symptoms unlike any other. It is a horrible disease, one that we should slap the flamingos right off their foot for.

Those affected by Central Ohio Flamingo Flu have contracted this disease by having hot, steamy make out sessions with pink flamingos, and by nestling with the birds on swan lake. These voluntary acts are not advised. On the other hand, if you wish to contract Flamingo Flu, consider the two items above your instruction manual.

Symptoms of Central Ohio Flamingo Flu Include:
-Involuntarily standing with one leg in the flamingo position
-Instant craving for crustaceans
-A curvature of the neck which cannot be treated, even by the most holistic chiropractor
-A light pink tint to the skin, eventually becoming a fabulous shade of hot pink!
-Involuntarily singing Coca Cabanna at the top of your lungs, out of tune, whether you have musical ability or not

-Be prepared to enjoy friends and family showering you with affection, hoping to add some color to their winter white skin.
-You may never switch legs. You are in a statuesque position now.
-Your leg will constantly feel as if it is on pins and needles, and once people notice this, they will be swatting at it with sticks and switches. Pretty soon people will be paying admission to see the Pink Flamingo Flu People.
-All proceeds will go directly toward Flamingo Flu research, and my children's college tuition.

-There is no treatment or cure for Central Ohio Flamingo Flu. You may drink large amounts of hard liquor to mask symptoms.
There is Hope!
-If the money raised does help us to find a cure, we will put you on a mailing list. You will likely receive a response within 365 days of the cure.
Contact Information:
If you have any further questions, please contact The Central Ohio Advocates for Flamingo Flu Research. Check your local listings.


  1. Twisted and I LOVE it! Gives a whole new meaning to coming down with pink eye...

  2. OMG I'm rolling over here! *wipes away tears*

  3. Flamingos are not available in my area so I have nothing to be worried. Thanks for nice information.

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