Saturday, September 26, 2009

My Ding-a-Ling ;)

Proof I'm Insane ;)

I went to a sex toy party tonight. It's the second one I've ever been to. The first was when I was newly married, and very naive. To make this extremely naughty first-time event even more blush-worthy, my mother-in-law was there. Thankfully she was not present this evening.

Some of the lotions, rings, vibrating objects and candles you can actually burn and then pour onto your lover's body freak me the hell out... I'll be honest! I'm all about the fairy dust and feathers, but JEEZ! Who purchases a double-dong from a home-party, where at some point, the giant flexible piece of non-meat is going to have to be delivered to your door?!?! Trust me ladies, that baby ain't gonna fit in a brown paper bag. There is nothing discreet about it! Unless you are rather large, and are able to conceal larger-than-life sex toys, everyone will know you are a master of dongs.

I couldn't help myself, and had to ask the demonstrator (hahahahaha) if people order such monstrous items from her very sexy catalog. She hadn't had much experience with dong orders, which, quite honestly, made me breathe a huge sigh of relief. Marion is known for many things... popcorn, piss tests and toothless wonders... but buffoon dongs aren't one of them. YAY for non-dong-using Marionites!

There is just something about a pretty blonde chick passing around vibrators and lubes with a straight face that strikes me as a bit odd. While I didn't order the dong for two, I did manage to find some shimmeries, which I later found out was a perfect purchase, because according to Facebook (which I rely on for accurate news and my map through life), I need to be a princess for Halloween this year. Fruity fairy dust! I just purchased my Halloween costume at a fun party! Is there something wrong with this picture?!

In other news, I realized tonight how very strange I truly am. My friend Candise & I went to have our hair cut today, and I had her take a picture... of the back of my head. Then I proceeded to post it on Facebook, where I now have 400 "friends". I have often wondered what people think of me, and now I know. That Kelly... that's the chick that takes pictures of the back of her head and goes to dong parties. Yes, it's odd, and yes, it's me... So YAY for vibrating ding-dongs, YAY for ass-backward photos and YAY for wearing fairy dust and nothing else.

Now go play with your ding-a-ling...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sweet Emotion...

It occurred to me early how much I listen to music. I've blogged about music before... it's truly a big part of my life.

I grew up listening to all types of music. Dad played the guitar and harmonica very well (and still does), and we would camp, sit around the fire and sing. "Country Roads" is one I remember, and he sang the Eagles too, though he butchered some of the lyrics beyond belief. Back then we didn't realize that, now we do. :)

I remember leaving my bedroom door open so Mom & Dad could hear me singing upstairs in my bedroom. I'd belt out just about any song. I loved it. Occasionally Dad would yell up to be "Go Kellbird" and I'd resume my singing, a little bit embarrassed and a lot louder!

I learned to appreciate music very young... one of my favorite Summer pastimes was taking my pink boombox outside with my Starship and Air Supply cassettes and swinging and singing for hours. Oh memories...

When the twins were born, the staff provided us with a wonderful lullaby CD at St. Ann's Hospital. Since that first day, the babies have had music playing while they sleep. It used to be classical, but as of late, Aiden is not amused with 'songs without words', so we've ?upgraded? to a station that plays a bit of everything.

Aiden's current song: I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Abbi's current song: Love Story by Taylor Swift (Lord help me! I'm so sick of that damn song!)

As you know from previous posts, I love Gavin DeGraw. His songs just fit my personality, and I listen to him without ever tiring of his voice. There are many artists I can't get enough of. He's on the top of that list. :)

I've been REALLY into my music lately, listening to new songs, and realizing that there is truly a song for every situation, mood and feeling. For instance, right now I am listening to the very sexy song "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5. Oooh Lala!

While tomorrow has "Manic Monday" written all over it, I refuse to have a "Bad Day" and enjoy some happy tunes to get me through the day! If my lovely assistant asks me to suffer through her country collection, I will happily oblige her, all the while wishing I could shove a nail through my skull. I'm really not a country person... I like all types of music, but I seriously don't need to hear about your sexy tractor, your old pick-up truck and your dead dog. Sure, that's real life, but I'd much rather hear about the possibilities of a beautiful ending with better music and no twang ;)

Some of my favorite lines:

"You bleed just to know you're alive" -Goo Goo Dolls "Iris"

"Let me do what I want to do, all I wanna do is make love to you" -Gavin DeGraw "Let's Get It On" (yeah, it's a remake, but I like his version better, so screw off! ;)

"You'll hear the music fill the air, I'll put a flower in your hair" -Jason Mraz "Lucky"

"I wanna get lost with you. I wanna forget where I came from" -Gavin DeGraw "Get Lost"

"Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends" -Plain White T's "I Love You"

"Steal some covers, share some skin" -Maroon 5 "Sunday Morning"

"Our friends would all make fun of us, and we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way" -Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"

"By the time that we get through, the world will never be the same" -Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"

"We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl, year after year" -Pink Floyd "Wish You Were Here"

"Discovering me discovering you" -John Mayer "Your Body is a Wonderland"

"You change your mind like a girl changes clothes" -Katy Perry "Hot & Cold"

"Stand by me. Nobody knows the way it's gonna be" -Oasis "Stand By Me"

And in true Kelly-fashion:
"My friend's got a girlfriend and he hates that bitch. He tells me every day. He says "Man I really gotta lose my chick in the worst kinda way" -The Offspring "Get a Job"

"Give it up to me. Give it up to me. Do you wanna be my angel?" -Toadies "Possum Kingdom"

More to come... I'm not done... but my brain is for the night...

Til next time,
Kell ;)

Monday, September 7, 2009

Poop on You

This has been a rather interesting weekend. I took Friday and today off to allow myself a much-needed short-little-teeny-tiny vacation. I realized I have been going full speed ahead since long before we moved into the new house. I haven't had much down time, and I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing, peaceful long weekend. I forgot something important in this cozy little plan...

I have kids.

The crazy train came right along, picked us up for a mini-holiday, and I've been riding the rails & bumps all damn weekend. It's one of those stay-cool-or-you'll-haul-off-and-hit-something-or-worse-yet-someone long weekends, where the kids are literally playing tug-of-war over a stupid little pirate eye patch, sticking out their evil little tootsies just to trip one another on purpose, and screaming at the top of their lungs because they want the pizza man to bring pizza... noooo, homemade pizza just won't do.

Another factor I didn't take into consideration before my spa-like lovely weekend was the fact that we were having a yard sale Friday & Saturday. For future reference, I plan to write myself a hate note scolding myself for having a yard sale two weeks after a big move, and threatening myself that if I ever do plan a yard sale again, I just may have a nervous breakdown, and the insane asylum will be quick to follow.

The pricing was the worst. I had no help, which I won't get into, and the pricing process took a total of 5+ hours, and I'm a damn fast pricer! I'd truly be an asset to the retail world, with my nervous energy and my fast-paced talky ways. Any chance those retailers ever had of me coming to work for them, they are long gone. The yard sale did me in.

We made decent money. We sold quite a bit, and have shit-loads of crapola still sitting in the garage. The rest will be donated. That makes me feel a little better about the psychosis behind having a sale in the yard/driveway. If you think about it, the whole idea is quite odd. I won't get into that now... displaying your crap for the whole neighborhood to see is a blog post in itself.

My friend Candise came to help me with the sale. The actual sitting and selling was quite fun. Our most interesting customer showed up in a huge blonde hair piece, an off the shoulder shirt with her bra straps hanging out proudly, a tiny little skirt and silver sequins shoes, which would have rivaled Dorothy's if they were red. Not only did she saunter around the sale looking quite delirious (she had obviously had work done... bad work), at one point she answered her cell phone and proceeded to say "there ain't no one prissier than me". It was awesome! I wanted to take her picture, get her autograph, interview this large woman with enough self-esteem to fill North America. But I didn't. I just stared at her with fascination. I'm sure she thought I was checking her out. After all, who could resist this hunka hotness?

Anyway, today was house-cleaning day. I slept in (thank you Joel!), and then woke up full of spunk and energy. I banished my lovely children and husband to the basement, as to not be disturbed (except for kids screaming at me from the basement and Rock Band playing at alarmingly high call-the-police volumes). I managed to clean the entire house (minus the basement of course) and get some laundry moved from the dirty mountain to the clean mountain.

The hardwood floors are decidedly very difficult to keep clean. I treated myself by buying a Swiffer Sweeper yesterday. Thank God for Swiffer! I already have the Wet Jet (although I can't find the pads right now), and believe it is one of the best inventions I've been introduced to! Brooming and dust-panning are not my thing. I think sweeping is a big stupid waste of valuable time. But the Sweeper is actually fun :) I zipped around the house today, and managed to sweep the entire upstairs before this little perfect piece of machinery finally died of exhaustion.

Among the other events which made up my weekend... I dropped my cell phone in the toilet. Mind you, I have been wanting a new cell phone desperately, but I would have never went to the extreme to dropping my old, ugly, stupid cell phone into poop water. Baby poop, water and cell phones do not mix, just so you don't make the same mistake. I was phoneless for 12 hours, and thought I could die from loneliness. Joel was out for the night, the kids eventually went to bed, and I was at a loss. Not even my computer could keep me occupied and happy. What if I had to call 911? Oh my God, I forgot to tell my mom something! Jeesh, I can't even text my texting buddy... what ever will I do?

Well yesterday, Joel and I meandered into Verizon, and I upgraded to a beautiful pink, shiny Blackberry Curve. I'm falling in love with it. There is no way I will ever learn all of the ins and outs, but the whole idea of having my email, facebook, messanger and countless other apps at my beckon call.... priceless!

Because the phones were buy-one-get-one-free, Joel wound up with a free Blackberry (though he opted out of the pink). He loves it just as much, although he wouldn't admit in the beginning that he wanted one. When the guy said "free" he perked up a bit. I'm afraid I will have to watch for him to make sure he isn't about to run into a pole while walking, or a dog while driving... he's rather lovey-dovey with his phone as well.

So, the crazy train weekend is quickly coming to a close. The twins start preschool Wednesday. I took the day off work, so I can take them, cry, pick them up, cry some more... and spend the rest of the day wallowing in self-pity. My babies are getting old.

I hope you had a nice weekend. I hope you didn't have a yard sale. I hope you shipped your kids off to Grandma's and I hope you were graced with the presence of a hot-shot hunka-burnin-love.

Until next time... just shoot me.

Kell ;)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Vegas Vixens...

Four of my friends & I leave for Las Vegas October 24th. That would be 51 days away. I once visited Vegas when I was a wee tot... as I believe I've mentioned before, my family took a wild and wooly drive out west and, while I'm sure it was a fantastic experience, I don't remember much of it. I don't remember Vegas at all. See previous vacation posts to read about my father trying to pick a cactus out of the ground in Arizona. Good read. Good times.

So anyway, as if having a new house isn't enough to be thoroughly excited about, I'm over the edge about Vegas! The nurses I'm going with made a paper chain like you see at Christmas-time... a countdown chain of sorts. We take turns ripping off different colored rings each day, and we all get a big kick out of the chain becoming shorter & shorter. There is a Vegas shrine involved too, but I won't go into that. :)

Thinking of the plane trip is extremely exciting for me! I haven't been on an airplane since I was 4 years old. I don't remember that either. Apparently I flew to Florida with my mom. I wish I could remember, because I'm sure I would have loved the experience!

So, between the plane ride, landing in Vegas (where I hear there are slot machines right at the airport), the lights, the Chippendales and the free beverages, I'm sure we will all feel like we're on top of the world! I love the girls I'm going with! One of them even offered to give me her free drinks! I think this could be the experience of a lifetime.

Joel is a bit jealous I believe. He would like to go to Vegas as well. Unfortunately for him, this is a girls only trip (except for the Chips and the hot Vegas men), but I have promised him that we can go back to Sin City next year for our anniversary. I think I can hold him over til then. Besides, he has a prior engagement each weekend in October that I'm sure he wouldn't want to miss just for **VEGAS**!

Three blissful nights away from screaming kids, Ohio weather, farmland and Ohio's best toothless wonders.

I can hardly wait to see the horny guys handing out flyers for prostitutes, and I do plan to have my picture taken with a homeless hunk and a cooterific call girl. I wonder if they'll charge me?

A Facebook "friend" told me she visited Vegas and she advised me that it's not all it's cracked up to be. Trust me chick, compared to Marion, Ohio, just the THOUGHT of Vegas gives me that high on crack feeling (not that I'd know what that feels like)... the actual experience WILL be all it's cracked up to be! Cause we won't waste a minute.

For my man whore readers:

What happens in Vegas...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A tour through the new house... including ass photos! Enjoy...

Our New Home

I've been on a blog hiatus. Not because I don't love you all (I do!), but because I've been on a moving, cleaning, decorating and pulling my hair out spree! Moving, in my mind, has become the most challenging, draining, sanity killing chore of all.

Going back to the old house to clean was torture. What got me through it was knowing that our new home, a dream come true for us, could very well be what our old home would become for someone else. So rather than flushing furballs, dust bunnies and globs of red hair down the toilet and sink drain (which I was strong leaning toward by the way), I was a good girl and threw shit away in the proper receptacles. We did our as-little-as-possible-to-get-by cleaning extravaganza at the old house Saturday & Sunday this past weekend... I did manage to get a nice nap in on our old bedroom floor. Joel tells me I slept for about an hour while he CLR'd the shower walls. I don't remember much of that hour. I believe I dreamt of the happiness of getting out of that damn house, where the kids could not play with balls in the yard (due to the river) and the bathroom sink would fill with water in 5 seconds flat (due to my monstrous amounts of puffy hair loss). I believe I woke up drooling on the carpet.... awww memories...

Moving into the new house was a tremendous relief. To me, it is the most beautiful house we could have found. I had major anxiety at first. See, this is the first house that is OURS! We've rented for years... nearly eleven to be exact. This is OUR HOME! In my mind, that is scary and amazingly awesome in equal parts! We have a new house to do whatever we want to do with! If I want a pole dancing room, or a Hello Kitty room, it CAN BE MINE! On the other hand, if the pole breaks, or miss Kitty's head falls off, it's on us to pay for it.

The couple we are buying the house from have a gorgeous new home (which I plan to purchase one day as well:), and are pleasantly relieved, I believe, to have us living here... they know how much we appreciate what we have, and what we've worked for.

I must admit, though... I did have a horrifying moment last week, regarding our new home. Joel's Great Aunt died, bless her heart. Joel went to the funeral, and when his **clears throat** mother suggested we have a family gathering afterward at our house, Joel said.... yes! We had been living in the house for four days. Joel nonchalantly sent me a text telling me we would be entertaining that night. I was pissed. Not only were there boxes sitting all over our packed/unpacked house... I had been at a conference in Troy (2 hour drive) that day, and couldn't fathom the thought of coming home to a houseful (and I mean a HOUSEFUL) of people.

So I went shopping... after I explained to Joel that my nerves couldn't take this impromptu gathering, and I had decided not to come home. "Call me when it's over".... "It will be dark... how will you get home?".... "I don't know. I'll sleep at work".... "Please come home".... "Um, that would be a big NO".... "I just wanted to show off the house and I'd seem like an ass if I said no".... "Grow a pair".... that was our conversation. Joel kept his cool. I did not. After shopping for 45 minutes and spending a total of $11 at Hobby Lobby, I decided to grace the family with my flustered, frazzled presence. I'm sure they were impressed.

When I walked in the door, I didn't quite know what to think. Dinner was ready (spaghetti for 31 people in my new house! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!), Joel had done an excellent job of hiding our mass of unpacked boxes, & our house looked... good! I had several people apologize to me for the spontaneous gathering, but by that point, I was happy... happy to have a houseful of family, happy the kids had other kids to play with and just happy in general. Sure I was tired, but I didn't have to do anything! I got to play outside with the kids (and yes, the kids are permitted to have balls at the new house, as is Joel), and Joel's awesome cousin Sara insisted I stay outside while she and other family picked up the mess. It turned out to be a great evening!

In honor of our new home, I would love to share some photos with you! We are far from being finished decorating, etc, but to us, it's already home. I'm in love with it.

Enjoy the photos:
Our Dining Room

My window seat... oh, how I love thee...

My "Bistro"
Shannon bought me the giant coffee mug on the table as a housewarming gift. I like to put muffins in it, although the kids eat them just as quickly as I fill it up... maybe I should fill it with fruit...

Where Microwave Magic Happens

Our Family Room.
This room will eventually have a beach theme... so if you go on a tropical vacation, either
A) Take me with you
B) Pick me up some shells

We have skylights in our family room.
This is a joy to me, because quite honestly, I can't even afford a vehicle with a sunroof.
I have, however, considered cutting off the top of the van... even if my head just pokes out the top, I'd feel hot in my ride...

Our Bedroom.
I love this room. The closet doors don't show, but they say "his" and "hers".
I'll post another night. Joel is currently in bed, and I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate me taking photos with flash at midnight.
The stars hanging from the ceiling in our room are quite possibly my favorite decoration, besides the obvious... Denis Leary & Gavin DeGraw pictures... ;)

The Boys' Room
Now folks, this looks rather unfair compared to miss Abbigail's room, bu you must realize... our sons cannot be trusted right now with objects in the bedroom. We keep it to stuffed creatures and blankets at this time... we'll add in books again after the lovelies stop ripping the covers off. Lord, make them be better in preschool!

Yes, Abbi's room is very pretty... very girly and very Abbi!
She is quite deserving of her possessions.
She doesn't eat them, rip them, kick them, throw them or shove them down registers.
Good kid... for the most part. Just be sure to line up her crayons, and crack her door just right...

This is slowly, but surely becoming my French Whore bathroom.
If you see any slutty stuff while you're out shopping, go ahead & pick it up...
I'll pay you back... with microwave magic!

Welcome to our Basement!
We will be working on this at some point, but for now it serves as a concert stage (Rock Band & Guitar Hero), a toy room, a drawing/coloring table, a bar for Mommy's sippy cups and a dart board, which Joel and I thoroughly enjoy! What else does a family need?

Our basement shitter. This will soon become the "Outhouse Bathroom".

I hear every home has an unfinished and/or "junk room"...
It will be cleaned up... just not right now.
This is our extra bedroom/computer room. :)

The Rear View
(Nice ass, huh?)

We'll be having a housewarming party in September.
Date to follow...
:) -Kell