Selflessness

Well, my feelings from yesterday have carried over into today. I'm okay with it. It has been so very long since I have allowed myself to feel sadness and remorse, and I'm not sure that I have ever been capable of allowing myself to drown in such a melting pot of emotions. The kids notice my tears every now and then, and wonder why I'm 'dripping.' It's impossible to explain to such complex feelings in simple words. I gaze at their concerned faces and smile through my sadness. They think I'm perfect.

I remember when I was very young, and even into my early teenage years, thinking that my mother was faultless. Although I occasionally questioned her reasoning, I took every bit of advice she offered to heart. I didn't always follow it. I was quite rebellious, and still enjoy paving my own way. I've learned from many mistakes. But most of the mistakes I have made have given me pleasure, even if just for a moment in time.

I wonder now if Mom smiled through her tears... especially knowing that her children thought she could do no wrong. I wonder if she ever had doubts and had to make decisions that could greatly affect the rest of her life. I wonder if, through her selflessness, she ever just wanted to throw in the towel and be selfish.... to do something mind-blowingly beautiful for herself.

I wonder...

My Personal Lala Land

So sometimes I find that I live in a state of denial. I justify things. I don't lie. I sugarcoat. I don't want to hurt people, and I don't want to hurt. I want to smile... all the time. I want to enjoy this one life we have. I want to exude the exuberance that has come to be expected of me. I enjoy being silly, and I do occasionally take pleasure in being the center of attention.

I also like to give other people the floor, and I love to hear the inspirational stories of others. I like to help people who are hurting. I think it's amazing to hear about people who have overcome astonishing obstacles, lost loved ones, have nothing left, and still they manage to go on.

I have been a rollercoaster of emotions lately. For the first time I am having a difficult time seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I have been in denial about even this. I have actually been living in this euphoric state, and although I have known for some time that it isn't healthy, it has been my coping mechanism. Today I am crying for no reason. I look at my children and feel so blessed. I look back at my life thus far and see a series of mole hills and mountains. It's beautiful reminiscing, and it aches at the same time.

My personality will not allow me to dwell on these feelings for long. I may post a blog entry tomorrow regarding my insane to-do list and my favorite types of alcoholic beverages (another effective coping mechanism for those who are pleasantly delusional like me). I just need today to dwell. Just one day... to actually allow myself to experience sadness without feeling guilty about it.

To My Blog...

Okay, I'm gonna be completely honest here... I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry, blog, if I've hurt your feelings. Quite frankly, it annoys me that over the past 3 months, only 175 people have visited you, probably half of those visitors being me. I love you. I do. I find myself thinking about you often. I continue to read other blogs. I resume my quest for writing greatness, but I need your help!

Blog, I need you to get the word out. I need you to glitter and shine... sparkle and twinkle. I'm not yelling at you. I'm just saying I need you to step it up a bit. I'm prepared to step it up. You had better get on the stick, too!

You see, I've been having some health issues, and I have been sugar-coating things, huddled in my cozy corner of blissful denial, only I'm finding it's not quite so blissful anymore.

I'm reaching out to friends more than ever. I am learning who my true friends are, and allowing myself to realize that just because someone laughs with me and we click on a personal level, I can't always reach out to them and trust them. Some people are unable to truly care for other people. Some people are too wrapped up in their own desolation. I am now realizing that it takes a truly special individual to care on the level some of my friends care for me on. They have proven that to me over this past week.

As I continue this journey, I will continue it with you, Blog. I had an overwhelming urge to share with you today... to sit together and be together, and I will continue to sit and share with you. I'm sorry I have been avoiding you. I love you Blog. Now get a grip, quit slobbering all over yourself, share my words & get a grip... this is NOT the end of the world!