Happy Thanksgiving -Double Divorced :)

So if you check my blog often and eagerly only to be disappointed because I'm a total slacker, you may be surprised that I am actually blogging twice in a week! This is a rare occurrence as of late.

While I could easily blame my lack of blogging on busyness, I won't. I tend to make time for most things I need to or want to do, if they hold any interest to me. Honestly, my heart has been so rollercoaster-y lately, I haven't had the umph, pizazz or normal bullshit attitude to blog properly. And I refuse to post a non-proper entry. Proper to me is cursing, plotting, making fun of folks and turning generally boring objects into fun, sexy, beautiful and rancid joyballs (those small things that make us oh, so happy)... for a spot on example, check out my post "Heda Lettuce"... It's a riveting illustration of stupid humor at its finest.

If you take life too seriously, and don't care for hardcore situations being made into light and fluffy, mushy, soupy stuff, you should stop reading now. This will save me from receiving hateful comments (although they are always welcomed and appreciated), and will save you from having the blood boiling throughout your body, putting you in the hospital with some explosive blood disease... and don't try suing me! Do you know how f'ing easy it is to delete a blog? I know from experience, because I deleted my weight-loss blog, which I only had intentions of keeping for one inspired day. Yeah, try to sue me, and I'll prove this post never existed :P *evil cackles*

I warned you! This is your last chance NOT to read on.

The controversial topic I will be talking about today, my dear readers, is divorce. You see, my husband of 11 years (we've been together for 15) and I have decided to go our separate ways. Actually, we are agreeing upon almost everything (I want those damn red gym pants back, Joel!), which is making the process much easier, because we are going with a dissolution. And thanks to Joel being of the law enforcement variety, we even got a discount on that! So, while getting married is much cheaper than divorcing (in the most literal terms), both can bring just as much peace and harmony to one's life. Joel and I are a perfect example of that.

Although the decision to divorce was primarily mine, Joel and I both agreed that we would both be happier going our separate ways. Because of the divorce, and me being the named "bad guy" in the situation (which by the way, marriages don't end because only one of the people in it sucks... it can be rather a mutual fuck-up)... my parents divorced me.

That's right. I now no longer have a husband (though we remain friends most of the time), I also don't have a family. The entire family disowned me and the babies. Not only am I ruining my kids lives you see, I'm also going to burn in hell once my Earth life is over, due to leaving a friendly companionship of a marriage. I would like to check and see if living a lie to keep a family together works out peacefully and wonderfully in the end, but I have decided not to stick it out to try it. I'll leave that to them.

I believe that our time on this planet should be happy. I believe that if you are knowingly staying in an unhappy, discontented situation, you are doing yourself an incredible disservice.

My babies will learn from me that it's okay to take your own path... even if it's at the disgust of others. And it's okay to make decisions that others don't agree with. That's life. We can't please everyone.

I have learned that I am an extremely strong person. I didn't take a chance when I made my decision. I KNEW it was the right decision for myself and the kids, and Joel too. While things are difficult right now in many ways, I'm truly feeling happiness. I am exhausted and getting used to being a single mother of 3, but I'm content with my new life. People see it. Friends at work have noticed. My oldest, closest friends see it. My kids see it.

If I were to do it all over again, would I disappoint them? Yes! I've been doing it my entire life. There is no winning them over. I've tried to gain their love and respect for years upon years. Unconditional love is apparently optional in this situation. My parents have been on 2 year+ long hiatuses from me before this... it's not a new feeling. But it didn't become bearable until I realized I can make my life what I want it to be! With or without the help of my fair-weather family.

Will I ever divorce my children? No! I've lived it and learned from it, and I know that taking hiatuses from my children is not ever going to be an option. They are my beautiful and wonderful, and we created them. No way will I ever let them go! My love for them... it is truly unconditional.

I have had an outpouring of support from my wonderful friends! I'd try to list them all, but then I'd forget people, and that would piss them off... and then I would have to keep editing this damn post, and as mentioned above, I am a blog slacker recently. I must not be bothered by editing. I'm proud enough when I get it typed once.

I do thank my friends for believing in me! For seeing the reality of the situation, and for not judging me. Very few people have given me negative feedback about this decision. My family just happens to be part of that little group. Even my Christian friends have had my back, and I thank you guys for that! You truly rock!

Today for Thanksgiving, I received two generous invitations to dinners. I also worked this morning voluntarily. I did decide to stay home after work and relax my day away. I knew the kids would be happy and giddy to be having Thanksgiving dinner at Mama and Papa's (Joel's parents). And I was quite content knowing that they would be coming home to me this evening. I do hope my old family had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.

I will never regret shooting for the stars. I will never be sorry that I chose to make all 5 of us happy (some sooner than others) and I will ALWAYS remember those of you who have been here for me, and I'm letting go of those of you who have not.

Friends TRULY ARE the family we choose.
I'm thankful for you.

A tour through the new house... including ass photos! Enjoy...

Our New Home

I've been on a blog hiatus. Not because I don't love you all (I do!), but because I've been on a moving, cleaning, decorating and pulling my hair out spree! Moving, in my mind, has become the most challenging, draining, sanity killing chore of all.

Going back to the old house to clean was torture. What got me through it was knowing that our new home, a dream come true for us, could very well be what our old home would become for someone else. So rather than flushing furballs, dust bunnies and globs of red hair down the toilet and sink drain (which I was strong leaning toward by the way), I was a good girl and threw shit away in the proper receptacles. We did our as-little-as-possible-to-get-by cleaning extravaganza at the old house Saturday & Sunday this past weekend... I did manage to get a nice nap in on our old bedroom floor. Joel tells me I slept for about an hour while he CLR'd the shower walls. I don't remember much of that hour. I believe I dreamt of the happiness of getting out of that damn house, where the kids could not play with balls in the yard (due to the riv<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tinyurl.com/2b5ojn"></script>er) and the bathroom sink would fill with water in 5 seconds flat (due to my monstrous amounts of puffy hair loss). I believe I woke up drooling on the carpet.... awww memories...

Moving into the new house was a tremendous relief. To me, it is the most beautiful house we could have found. I had major anxiety at first. See, this is the first house that is OURS! We've rented for years... nearly eleven to be exact. This is OUR HOME! In my mind, that is scary and amazingly awesome in equal parts! We have a new house to do whatever we want to do with! If I want a pole dancing room, or a Hello Kitty room, it CAN BE MINE! On the other hand, if the pole breaks, or miss Kitty's head falls off, it's on us to pay for it.

The couple we are buying the house from have a gorgeous new home (which I plan to purchase one day as well:), and are pleasantly relieved, I believe, to have us living here... they know how much we appreciate what we have, and what we've worked for.

I must admit, though... I did have a horrifying moment last week, regarding our new home. Joel's Great Aunt died, bless her heart. Joel went to the funeral, and when his **clears throat** mother suggested we have a family gathering afterward at our house, Joel said.... yes! We had been living in the house for four days. Joel nonchalantly sent me a text telling me we would be entertaining that night. I was pissed. Not only were there boxes sitting all over our packed/unpacked house... I had been at a conference in Troy (2 hour drive) that day, and couldn't fathom the thought of coming home to a houseful (and I mean a HOUSEFUL) of people.

So I went shopping... after I explained to Joel that my nerves couldn't take this impromptu gathering, and I had decided not to come home. "Call me when it's over".... "It will be dark... how will you get home?".... "I don't know. I'll sleep at work".... "Please come home".... "Um, that would be a big NO".... "I just wanted to show off the house and I'd seem like an ass if I said no".... "Grow a pair".... that was our conversation. Joel kept his cool. I did not. After shopping for 45 minutes and spending a total of $11 at Hobby Lobby, I decided to grace the family with my flustered, frazzled presence. I'm sure they were impressed.

When I walked in the door, I didn't quite know what to think. Dinner was ready (spaghetti for 31 people in my new house! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!), Joel had done an excellent job of hiding our mass of unpacked boxes, & our house looked... good! I had several people apologize to me for the spontaneous gathering, but by that point, I was happy... happy to have a houseful of family, happy the kids had other kids to play with and just happy in general. Sure I was tired, but I didn't have to do anything! I got to play outside with the kids (and yes, the kids are permitted to have balls at the new house, as is Joel), and Joel's awesome cousin Sara insisted I stay outside while she and other family picked up the mess. It turned out to be a great evening!

In honor of our new home, I would love to share some photos with you! We are far from being finished decorating, etc, but to us, it's already home. I'm in love with it.

Enjoy the photos:

Our Dining Room

My window seat... oh, how I love thee...



My "Bistro"
Shannon bought me the giant coffee mug on the table as a housewarming gift. I like to put muffins in it, although the kids eat them just as quickly as I fill it up... maybe I should fill it with fruit...



Where Microwave Magic Happens




Our Family Room.
This room will eventually have a beach theme... so if you go on a tropical vacation, either
A) Take me with you
or
B) Pick me up some shells
Please


We have skylights in our family room.
This is a joy to me, because quite honestly, I can't even afford a vehicle with a sunroof.
I have, however, considered cutting off the top of the van... even if my head just pokes out the top, I'd feel hot in my ride...




Our Bedroom.
I love this room. The closet doors don't show, but they say "his" and "hers".
I'll post another night. Joel is currently in bed, and I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate me taking photos with flash at midnight.
The stars hanging from the ceiling in our room are quite possibly my favorite decoration, besides the obvious... Denis Leary & Gavin DeGraw pictures... ;)




The Boys' Room
Now folks, this looks rather unfair compared to miss Abbigail's room, bu you must realize... our sons cannot be trusted right now with objects in the bedroom. We keep it to stuffed creatures and blankets at this time... we'll add in books again after the lovelies stop ripping the covers off. Lord, make them be better in preschool!




Yes, Abbi's room is very pretty... very girly and very Abbi!
She is quite deserving of her possessions.
She doesn't eat them, rip them, kick them, throw them or shove them down registers.
Good kid... for the most part. Just be sure to line up her crayons, and crack her door just right...




This is slowly, but surely becoming my French Whore bathroom.
If you see any slutty stuff while you're out shopping, go ahead & pick it up...
I'll pay you back... with microwave magic!




Welcome to our Basement!
We will be working on this at some point, but for now it serves as a concert stage (Rock Band & Guitar Hero), a toy room, a drawing/coloring table, a bar for Mommy's sippy cups and a dart board, which Joel and I thoroughly enjoy! What else does a family need?




Our basement shitter. This will soon become the "Outhouse Bathroom".



I hear every home has an unfinished and/or "junk room"...
It will be cleaned up... just not right now.
This is our extra bedroom/computer room. :)




The Rear View
(Nice ass, huh?)


We'll be having a housewarming party in September.
Date to follow...
:) -Kell

Pink Casket & Denis Leary Sitting on my Desk

Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You cum, you smoke the butt, you eat the cookie, you go to sleep, wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, THAT'S IT! End of fucking list! -Denis Leary

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0248752/quotes

I tend to agree with Denis (about everything really). Happiness truly does come in small doses. I normally wouldn't drop an F-bomb in my blog, but hey! It's a quote... I didn't say it... Denis did :D

I am so utterly excited about several things right now!

1) We move into our new house September 1st. Bigger house, bigger yard, a sun room with skylights (I believe this will become my new happy place), closer to work (sorry Joel... further for you), kid-friendly neighborhood, buying rather than renting & a full basement to banish the kids to (do NOT call CPS... this is a JOKE :)

2) My babies start preschool this year. This makes me jerk with tears and giggle with happiness! On one hand, I am losing my lovies. They won't need me anymore. They are already shunning hand-holding and insist on scooping their own food onto their big-people plates. It makes me teary thinking about it. On the other hand, we are THAT much closer to 18 and freedom. NO I'm not trying to get rid of my kids... but it's good to have things to look forward to. As you roll your eyes, you know you're secretly agreeing with me.

3) Vegas! I'm going to Las Vegas in October with girl friends from work. OMG! The excited feeling I get when I think about Vegas is over-the-top, out-of-control, higher-than-any-illegal-drug CRAZY happy! We are on a strict budget due to the fact that I am not happy with ONLY a new home, but I also need a VACATION. Viva Las Vegas Baby!

4) The Beach! I don't know when. I don't know how. I don't know why, but I LOVE THE BEACH! The beach is literally my very favorite place in the world. I have many, many places I want to visit (and yes, I will see all of them cause my Bucket List says so), but the beach will, to me, will always be the most beautiful place in the world. And I'm not talking about a beach on the Scioto River... I'm talking about the OCEAN! The ocean people! I'm tellin' ya.... I love it! If I could fondle it and grope it I would! It's just that damn irresistible.

5) Vacation Bible School. Yep, I realize I'm a curser. I love it. That's one of those small things that makes me happy. Foul language. I have an English friend who curses like a sailor (do you know how much I wanted to add an F-bomb there?), and it cracks me the hell up! The thing is, my kids are going to be hanging out with other cool kids (and some bullying twit-peeps, I'm sure) next week at VBS... this is the first event where we will be dropping them off & leaving them. They are so excited, and Mom is too... I'll cry that entire week. Bang boom badalada... just give me narcotics, cause I'll be a weeping willow tree the whole freakin' week. Double my meds. That's what I'll do.

6) The beach in my new house! I will be decorating our new sun room in beach decor. Know what that means? I can go to the beach every damn day! Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah! I'm thinking of sand instead of carpet... and a big tank people can swim in. Hmmmmmm.... brb... calling the decorator now.
Damn, he told me I was crazy... back to square one.

So moving on, if you were to see me on an every day basis, you would realize that the smallest things in the world amuse me! Here are some of those things:

1) The copy machine at work, get this, STAPLES and SORTS! It's freakin' awesome!

2) The coffee pot, get this, can be PRE-SET! So when I wake up in the morning, my coffee can be sitting there ready to burn my tongue! It's fabulous!

3) We aren't even close to being to the end of the 22 episodes of Rescue Me this season! Just this show alone could make me run after rainbows & find the end & drop kick a martial artist with the adrenaline alone.

4) My new house has a 4-car garage! I don't even own that many cars. In all honesty I don't even own one of my vehicles. The van still has many moons of payments on it, and the car is Dad's. I'm 30. It's good to have the bills paid :P

5) Budgeting to go to Vegas, go to the annual craft show (hey, I buy Christmas gifts there!) and buy a new house... even if it means we eat rice, bread, soup beans and corn from the field for the next few months :P

6) My computer at work has an absolutely amazing picture of Denis Leary on it, and my screen saver is Rescue Me. I say goodnight to Denis before I leave work. He loves me.

7) Good hair days. If my head is full of curly-cues and they are all over the damn place, I'm fanatically happy! If it's straight, dull and blah, the happy level is kicked down a notch. I'll stick with the kinks ;)

8) Catalogs! Oh my God, give me a catalog and I'm on cloud 9! Put me to bed, give me a stack of catalogs, a 6-pack of Down Home Punch, a telephone and a credit card with a fabulous limit, and I'm in heaven! I'm not high-maintenance at all. I just happen to like stuff, money and booze.

9) When I am caught up on paperwork, I literally think my co-workers should throw me a party, buy me a male stripper and have him feed me strawberries of the chocolate-covered variety. I like to be praised. And I like to be praised well. :P

10) Turning 30. Yes, I turn 30 in December. December 1st actually. I expect gifts... and a surprise party. Please? I act like I dread 30, but I really just want all the attention attached to it. Didn't you know? I like to be the center of attention... I want people to remember me when I'm gone. Oh, and I want a pink casket, so anyone who is still alive when I kick it, help me out with that. i also want Gavin DeGraw to sing at my funeral. See, even my funeral excites me!!!!!!

I have to tell you... it's good to be delusional. It's good to be amused by the teeny tiny perks in life. As I've said before, my thought process may not be healthy, but I'm happy, and that's all that really matters. Oh, that & my kids... I like them to be happy occasionally too.

Pink Casket! Don't forget...

Ding-a-ling

**The Smart Ass**

My head is spinning from listening to the twins (my kids, not my breasts) playing pretend all morning (because breasts playing pretend would just be, well... strange).

Anyway, the kids have been playing with this little broken plastic purple house. I can't throw it away, because they would know. Even if I do something 'without them knowing', they know! They hunt me down and poke & prod at me all day. They stalk me! So, in short, the broken plastic purple house stays. I don't feel like being poked today.

Along with the plastic brokenness, they also have little tiny dogs and cats who have apparently morphed into my children in their minds. At one point today, Abbigail yelled "MOM!" hysterically 3 times. When I finally asked what was going on, she said scoldingly, "I am not talking to you!" with a giant sigh. I love it! I can sit back and not answer to "Mom" today... yay!

Since I hear "Mom" an estimated 5,000 times a day (more if I'm not working), I appreciate this pretend time. Aiden earlier yelled, "get outta this house or I will beat you." Now please realize, we don't say things of this sort to or around the kids. They do have an oddly fascinating love for the Powerpuff Girls, and I believe they are the cause of my children's evil-ness as of late. As a friend of mine would say, "bugger!"... we HAVE come to an understanding that the word 'Stupid' s NOT allowed in this house. I hate that word!

Among the list of other words I hate:
-Tender (ugh!)
-C*nt (just don't say it... I will gag)
-Scrotum (seriously, who would name a body part a 'scrotum' that is so close to another body part that is supposed to turn us on... YUCK!)
-Puss (uck... in every sense of the word! SO Gross!)
-Buford & Hog Leg (the two words my ex nicknamed his ding-a-ling.. he was obviously delusional, and I'm quite sorry he isn't computer savvy, cause I sure would love for him to see this. Heheheehehe *evil snicker*)

So, back to playing pretend, although I greatly enjoyed that little detour, while watching & listening to the kids, I realized how much people in general play pretend... put up a facade. I'm guilty of it. I'm sure you are too on occasion.

How often, in passing, does someone ask you how you're doing, and you say 'fine'. Rarely are we just 'fine'... but we continue to say it, whether we just want to get the hell away from the person asking, or we just don't feel like getting into the drama called our lives. To me, 'fine' is just a reflex now. I'm not sure that many of the people who ask really care. I think the 'how are you's' and 'how's it goin's' are actually auto-pilot questions, too. Sure, some people truly care when they ask, but often, it's just a formality.

One goal I have set for myself lately is to not ask cookie-cutter questions & reply to others with cookie-cutter answers. Who cares if they don't really care when they ask? At least YOU are being authentic if you give an honest answer. I appreciate it when people are genuine. I try to be. I almost always am, but sometimes 'fine' is just easier.

Make-believe for kids is a bit more innocent than grown-up 'play'. We adults really 'play' eachother constantly... go through the motions. It would be nice to know what people really think.

Then again, maybe a touch of make-believe isn't so bad. I tend to like this little place I call my lala land... a little too much. I don't think I could give it up. It's definitely my happy place.

So... my plan? I'll continue to be happy in my own little world, and to allow the slaps of reality to only burden me when they are truly important. Healthy? Maybe not. But it's my world, and I'll be enjoying the blissful chaos day after day...

Wanna join me?

The Come Back...

I have been so incredibly goofy this week. I can't focus. I'm taking these fancy vitamins, and I think that has something to do with it. I'm also watching my calories, drinking lots and lots of water and exercising. The difference in my mood, energy and the almost instant lack of bloat has been fabulous! The lack of focus is a bit disturbing, but I can live with that. I'm a ball of energy from sun-up to sun-down and beyond!

I'm not drinking energy drinks and taking caffeine tablets or anything... I'm just eating right and taking vitamins... and the exercise... oh the exercise. My calves are still quite sore from my last fast-paced walk. I'm walking with a friend, which helps. Although we enjoy taking breaks, laying in the grass, and we often text while walking. It's good to have large open areas if you are a text-walker. Trees can be dangerous, and holes in the ground can cause a twist of the ankle knobs. But we do it anyway!

I've lost 6.4lbs in the past 2 weeks... and a total of 12... it makes me feel good. I want to lose quite a bit more, but I feel like I am becoming the healthy chick I want to be. If I get a hot bod in the process, I'll enjoy shopping much, much more!

Pure craziness is the most fun side-effect from my weight-loss and new found energy! I talk even louder than usual, sing on the intercom at work (wait, I did that before!), try to steal glasses of Diet Coke from the Chinese restaurant and scream at innocent bystanders from car windows.. even if the car belongs to somebody else. Summertime is perfect for car to car fun! In the winter, you have to be a bit more creative... like last holiday season when I threatened that I'd beat people while riding down State Route 95, holding a giant roll of wrapping paper out my window, and shaking it at more innocent people creepily.

I know a lot of people in my immediate world can't stand my happiness and pure wildness. I also know that I have a few appreciators, and that's all that really matters... plus the fact that I'm so silly most of the time, my mind can't focus, so I just assume everyone loves me. I love you all, too!

I'm thankful for the uniqueness we all possess... not so much for the bitchy, mean types, but I still love you... I just think you need to dig out that squirrel that sucks all of the happiness out through your bung hole. You would be much happier without squirrel droppings taking the place of your happy cells.

I thank you for your patience in reading this. I'm foggy, and while I enjoy the fog, you may be lost in space by now. Confusion is blissful... trust me!

You can check out my fancy vitamins here... and all kinds of other goodies!

www.advocare.com/09013719

Puffy Clouds and My Love of Stuff

Quote of the Day:

There must be more to life than having everything! Because where would you put it all!

I like stuff. Lots & lots of stuff. I don't like to have clutter. I like everything to be neatly put away - or at least thrown into closets and rooms not viewable by others.

When I buy new uniforms, I wash them all so I can see my dozens of pretty scrub outfits hanging in a row. I have several pairs of shoes to match them as well. I'm a 'stuff' person. I love jewelry and books, my computer and gifts.

I don't particularly want to be this into stuff. I just am.

I do appreciate the free pleasures in life, too. Family, friends, the beach, etc. I don't let my love for my favorite stuff overshadow my love for natural and beautiful non-stuff.

I realize that when I die I can't take stuff. I do like to believe that God makes Heaven our own, and I may have a big screen TV with endless new episodes of Rescue Me, while Denis Leary and I sit together on our puffy cloud and watch each and every episode while eating Chinese food and 7-layer cake, all the while not gaining an ounce of weight, because food in Heaven has absolutely no calories, and people that get through those beautiful gates are granted pecks and guns as they cross the magnificent threshold.

My whole point in this babble of a blog is to tell you that while stuff is often the source of my amusement and happy-go-luckiness, it is not the source of my contentedness and happiness.

Stuff just can't do that.

Toothpicks & Confidence

I don't think confidence is something that comes naturally for most women.

I noticed while I was at the gym earlier this week that many thin, beautiful girls & women are quite self-conscious. There was a girl on the treadmill in front of me who was looking around, tugging at her shirt to cover her barely-there booty, obviously about to have a panic attack, thinking someone may think or say she was fat.

On a machine beside me was a very pretty, round woman with a larger derriere, listening to her iPod, smiling and humming without a care in the world. She rocked! I stared at her for a long time. In fact, if she hadn't been in her own happy place, she may have wondered what the hell I was staring at. This woman did not care. She had no problem with her shape, and from the way she was working out, I have a strong feeling she is in excellent physical condition. The toothpick on the treadmill was walking at a snail's pace. The entire comparison was just eye-opening, and amusing.

I have never exuded self-confidence. I take that back. I was once told that I look stuck-up because I walk tall (I'm 5' 10" so I really have no choice) and look straight ahead. Since I was hit with this unsettling information, I am now always careful to smile at everyone, and normally I speak to them as well. That is, unless they are the type to interpret 'hello' as an invitation to talk for an hour about their perfect dog, and perfect kids and perfect flower garden... then I smile widely, and start walking just a little swifter.

So, okay, maybe I radiate self-assurance but it's always been a bit of a facade. I have very pale skin. I always have. I don't tan... at all... ever... luckily some guys think that's hot! :0) In all seriousness, kids find something about every other kid to pick on. Mine was obvious. And the mean things those kids said hurt me... for a long time.

Just the other day I wore a shorter skirt to work. Many of the residents commented on how nice I looked. They are all painfully pale, too. They understand. :) One of the first comments I heard from a staff member? "Girl, you need to find yourelf a tan"... other remarks included, but were not limited to, "have you ever heard of bronzer in a bottle?", "I never realized how white you are"... It was annoying at first, but then I realized it was actually amusing. Imperfect people pointing out my imperfections. Finally one of my favorite nurses said, "Well, what do they expect... your face is pale, and your arms... why would your legs be any different?" I loved her fori t.

See, I have very long legs. I actually think I have fabulous legs! Yes, I have tried the tan in a bottle, and I'm not writing it off... I may try again. But it streaks me. I know, I know.. there are lots of good braands out there... blah blah blah... the point is, when you are as ghostly as me, they are ALL gonna streak... between the fingers, on the ankle nubs... and should I go ahead & rub my ears with it so they will match my face? See? It's not so simple for a melaninless chick with daddy-longlegs! Seriously!

I realized that day at the gym how much less self-conscious I am now. I compare myself to the two chicks at the gym, and I realize I am a healthy in-between. I don't exactly hold my head up high, thinking I'm a hottie, but I don't stare nervously either, wondering if I'm the center of everyone's attention. I am not flawless. I have many imperfections. But I also have some pretty great qualities! I hear I am funny. I was just voted the most happy-go-lucky employee at work for the 2nd year running, I (as I mentioned before) have pretty damn good legs, I get the occasional boob compliment, I have good hair and I am going to have FABULOUS skin and look EXTREMELY young when I am old!

I enjoy my enhanced self-confidence. Nothing has boosted it except for time and experience. Ten years ago I would have never even noticed those two ladies at the gym, because I would have been too concerned about my own appearance. Today I can see the world, and not see only myself... just me in it.

Today's quote of the day:

“They can't hurt you unless you let them.”

Until tomorrow...

Kelly :)

My Own Worst Enemy

At this very moment I should be in bed. It's 12:31am and, once again, I will be waking up tired tomorrow. Okay, I'm tired whether I have had 4 hours of sleep, or 10. I just love sleep. It makes me happy.... along with fancy coffee, flip-flops (or slip-slops as my Abbi calls them), Denis Leary and my family & friends, not in that order.

I have come to the realization that I am my own worst enemy. I will often tell a resident at work how pretty she looks, or how nice he looks in his new shirt. I often get the replies, "Oh, I'm so old... I'm not pretty", and they shrug me off with a chuckle. I always tell them that they are their own worst critic. WOW, I've never put MYSELF in that position before. Sure, I receive compliments now and again, but do I accept them with a simple "thank you" and move on throughout my day, a little spark in my step from their nice words? Hell No! I pick it apart, and wonder if they were just sucking up... to the point where I don't even enjoy it. Huh... I guess I should practice what I preach...

I am genuinely a nice person. When I tell someone they look nice, I mean it. As I've mentioned before, I see the good in people. The bad sneaks in every now & then, but that is just being realistic. I often wonder what people truly think of me? I won the award for the "Happiest Employee" at work last year. I wonder if that's how people see me... as "happy"? Most generally I am. I like to think people believe I have a kind spirit, and I'm fun-loving and easy to talk to. I like to think that my less-than-perfect physical attributes (I'm quite pale and practically blind) are less seen because of my sparkling personality.

The problem is... I may be able to figure out what others truly think if I allow them to think it... to me. If I stop pushing the kind words aside, and take them to heart. If I let the nice things people say get to me as much as the mean things they do and say, I'd be a new woman! Why is it we remember the bad remarks so much more easily than the good? Why are we honestly our own worst enemies, our own worst critics?

I may not receive a compliment tomorrow... but if I do, I'm going to take it to heart. I'll let it put a smile on my face, and an extra spark in that step. I may even say "thank you" without laughing or shaking my head.

I have learned something today... I need to allow people to like me... in order to like myself. I am a good person, and I'm going to let the world see it. And those who don't? Well, they have issues of their own, so they need not worry about mine.

Don't be your own worst critic or enemy... join me and mean it! You are wonderful, and so am I!

My Friend Heda

Warning: This blog post is NOT for those folks who do not enjoy cryptic humor. You won't understand the humor in this at all if you were not born a neurotic, slap-happy goofball. You must have a very special mind to appreciate a head of lettuce talking to you... very, very special. Read on if you dare... but I warned you!



Dear Reader,

My name is Heda (pronounced Head-a). I was delivered at Meijer in recent days. I cannot tell you exactly which day I was thrown into the lettuce bin. I was buried beneath many other lettuce heads of all shapes and sizes (well, mostly round, but we all protrude in various areas). Some heads were rotting onto me, and I was so very thankful when I began making my way to the top of the bin. I would rather be eaten than to live like this... in my own private lettuce hell.



So today I reached the top! Oh, what a glorious day! I sat there for a while, glaring at shoppers choosing my fellow heads, and then I decided to change my attitude. After all, I was at the very tip-top, and pretty soon I knew I couldn't be ignored! It was MY TIME TO SHINE!


So I enjoyed the sprinkles of water the workers sprayed on me, and basked there, changing positions whenever possible to show off my succulent-ness and my fabulous figure. I had very few protruding areas. I was the perfect choice for the woman eye-balling me. I had almost perfect roundness. And so did she!


The woman picked me up and fondled me with expert hands. She fingered my rear and squeezed me like a juiced-up lemon. I was so sure she would pick me! I was so overly excited I could hardly take the suspense.


Just then, out of nowhere, my plump would-be friend dropped me onto the tiled floor. She stared at me for a minute, turned her head in all directions to make sure no shoppers had witnessed her clumsiness and walked away! SHE WALKED AWAY! I just sat on the floor in shock. Thankfully I was sitting in a come-hither position. I knew I couldn't be resisted for long. I had no heads to compete with! I just knew I would be the first one to be noticed. I stuck out like a.... well, a head of lettuce on the ground.


Just then it hit me! Nobody would ever choose me over the others. I was tarnished! Think of all the feet that had walked on the same floor I sat upon. My heart began to break... my leaves wilted a little at the thought.


And then I had a moment of hopefullness. A tall, redheaded silly-looking girl walked by. She looked at me, turned her head and told me she would be back. Was she coming back to buy me? Was I finally going to escape the evilness of Meijer? I prayed! I wanted to be adopted. If just for a short while. I didn't care... I wanted to scream "you can eat me! Just take me home!" But I didn't.


The redhead came back then. I had seen her giggling all the way down to the cheese section and back. She walked up to me, cell phone in hand, and just as she leaned down, I knew she was going to pick me up! ADOPTION DAY! I couldn't take the suspense! I was panting I was so excited! "Come on redheaded mama... take me home!"


As she knelt down, she giggled at me once more and snap! Took my picture. She stared at me for a moment, and at that very moment, I could hear her thoughts.... she was thinking "I want to run over you... over and over and over you with my cart, but I'll resist because you are a perfectly good head of dirty lettuce. I'll leave you here to be plucked up by some other poor sucker." It was terribe... mostly because this redheaded hag was staring at me with such amusement in her eyes, and yet she was thinking of mowing me down!


I stared after her, willing her to trip. She didn't. Little did she know that I would later be gathered by a rich old woman, and after getting me home and into the refrigerator, she would pass away in her sleep, dreaming of the fabulous garden she never had. She had picked me out and washed me, thinking that she would make homemade coleslaw, and impress her lazy garden-club friends with her 'special coleslaw' from her fenced-in non-existent garden she allowed no one near.


I gloriously rotted in her refrigerator for 9 months. No one ever found me until the house was sold. I prayed the new owners would keep me, but my moldiness and lack of lustrous leaves must have turned them off. I was thrown into a dumpster, and later into a huge heap of trash, where I would become even more rancid over time, finally disintegrating into nothingness.


I do not wish this upon any of my lettuce friends. Lettuce all get along. Lettuce not drop lettuce and cabbage and other garden friends at the store, and not pick them up to allow them another chance to find a home. Lettuce love one another... we lettuce know you will eat us. We are okay with that. We just want to be chosen. We just need a moment in the sun. Lettuce have peace... between human and vegetable... LETTUCE.


Your Putrefied Friend,

Heda Lettuce



A Note From the Redhead:


Dear Heda,
I do apologize that I did not pluck you from your sad place on the Meijer floor. I had no idea you were so distraught. I did laugh at you. I couldn't help it. And you read my thoughts correctly... I did wish to run over you with my cart... repeatedly... over and over... but I didn't. I simply took your picture. What harm did that do?

Heda, I need you to know that the reason I did not adopt you is because I did not need you. I needed no lettuce for the spaghetti and garlic bread we were having for dinner. I simply needed cheese.

When I first saw you, I didn't know what to think of the fact that you were sitting all alone in the middle of the floor. I don't believe I've ever seen a single head of lettuce on the floor at the grocery before. I have now! And that's why I laughed!

You DID shine today though... I must tell you... I sent your photo to my friends. We talked about you all evening! Heda, I hope you understand that I did not mean to hurt you. I just needed a laugh, and you provided that. I hope you enjoy your lettuce heaven. Lettuce have peace on Earth! God Bless and Goodnight.

Your friend,

The Redhead

Sunlight

It never ceases to amaze me how life's decisions and events can send us plunging into pure darkness, and within a mere twenty-four hours can fling us right back into contentment. I think the key is figuring out how to live in the comfort without allowing ourselves to worry about the next plunge.

The other night when I was typing my latest blog entry, I felt like I had fallen into a well. I honestly felt like I had tumbled into a deep, dark hole, and I just knew I was going to have to force my way back up. I imagined it taking weeks or months. At the time I didn't feel like I was being melodramatic. Looking back I still don't feel that I was. I was feeling such an intense sadness and uncertainty, I didn't know how to inch back up my self-made well into sunlight again.

Rather than creeping my way up little by little, God threw me a ladder.

It's unreasonable to think that we will never, ever think of the life we a) left behind or b) never experienced. It's interesting though that so many people are living that life, and wishing for their own contentment. It's amazing when you realize how many people would find their own perfect paradise living within the realm of your existence.

Sometimes the finest circumstances comes to us by accident. A lot of the time it's what we already possess, and not what we dream of that leads us to true happiness and contentment.

My Personal Lala Land

So sometimes I find that I live in a state of denial. I justify things. I don't lie. I sugarcoat. I don't want to hurt people, and I don't want to hurt. I want to smile... all the time. I want to enjoy this one life we have. I want to exude the exuberance that has come to be expected of me. I enjoy being silly, and I do occasionally take pleasure in being the center of attention.

I also like to give other people the floor, and I love to hear the inspirational stories of others. I like to help people who are hurting. I think it's amazing to hear about people who have overcome astonishing obstacles, lost loved ones, have nothing left, and still they manage to go on.

I have been a rollercoaster of emotions lately. For the first time I am having a difficult time seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I have been in denial about even this. I have actually been living in this euphoric state, and although I have known for some time that it isn't healthy, it has been my coping mechanism. Today I am crying for no reason. I look at my children and feel so blessed. I look back at my life thus far and see a series of mole hills and mountains. It's beautiful reminiscing, and it aches at the same time.

My personality will not allow me to dwell on these feelings for long. I may post a blog entry tomorrow regarding my insane to-do list and my favorite types of alcoholic beverages (another effective coping mechanism for those who are pleasantly delusional like me). I just need today to dwell. Just one day... to actually allow myself to experience sadness without feeling guilty about it.

Amidst This Chaos, We Find Our Happiness

What are your quirks? Can you count them on one hand? If so, you may be one of the few luckiest folks on the planet. You are blessed. You DO NOT have ANY form of OCD. If you do have peculiarities, which take all of your apendages, along with your digits to count , you are incurable, and you may as well suck it up and deal with it. You are a neurotical freak, just like the rest of us!

I find happiness in small, medium and large, extravagant things. If you ask my friends, they will tell you that I really love pretty much everything. I love gifts, I love handwritten letters, I love mail in general, I love girls' night's out... the list could continue until your eyes bulge out of your irrational heads and you are eating paint chips just for fun.

When I'm at home, I enjoy sitting in front of the fire place, taking baths, cuddling with my babies on the couch, watching my husband play his Guitar Hero drums, napping, reading and cleaning like a bat out of hell, but only when I'm in the mood.

I LOVE vacationing, gambling, texting, date nights, a night alone at the house every once in a while... I'm really quite easily amused.

The OCD does not come through in what it is that we do, but how we go about doing it.

For instance, here I sit at 1:42am. I know I still need to take my medicine before bed, brush my teeth, put up the baby gate, check the doors to make sure they're locked, check on the boys and cover them up for the 5th time, check on Abbi and do the cover-up thing again in her room, watch the rest of Grey's Anatomy (because I promised myself some 'Me' time), read a chapter of the fabulous Jackie Collin's book my dear friend Anne loaned me, daydream, worry about money for A MINIMUM of 15 minutes, think about how I DO NOT want to go to work on a saturday, plan my saturday in my head, make a mental list for the store, which I will completely forget within 10 minutes, wonder how I'm going to get caught up on the Bachelor, the Young and the Restless (I'm behind four episodes from this week) AND get the laundry done, and clean the house. Then I'll wonder again if I locked the door, but I won't get up to check this time, because I'm absolutely exhausted. So I'll turn off the light. The baby will toddle in and crawl up in bed with me. He'll smell like pee. I'll be forced to go get a diaper and unzip his sleeper. Why don't they make those damn gowns for 2 year old boys? While I'm up getting the diaper, I'll feel compelled to check the door. Still locked! I'll change Logan. He'll snuggle with me for a maximum of 45 seconds. Back to bed he goes. I will then drift off to sleep, only to awake at 5am to both Logan AND Aiden sharing my bed, rolling around, fighting over pillows and blankets. I'll kick them (not literally. Please don't call APS) out of bed. They'll saunter off to their rooms, screaming, as if I've just told them they will never ride Papa Mike's tractor another day in their lives. I will then fall into a peaceful sleep, with dreams involving a fireman and a big hose, only to be awoken an hour and a half later, just when I'm about to ask what the big hose feels like, to screams coming from the bathroom, along with running water and three children with raisin hands, most-likely from playing in the soapy sink water for the last hour and a half.

Okay, so I strayed from the subject a little there, but if you are a Mother, I'm sure you appreciate the sentiment. My whole point being... I understand that everyone lives a frenzied life, full of ups and downs, and twists and bends, fireman and hoses, and shriveled hands and a soapless house. I make it through each and every day, and enjoy doing it, by finding the fun in every single thing I do. Embrace your life! Hold your quirks close and never, ever let them go. They make you! They are you! You are you because of your eccentricity.

No matter what idiosyncrasy arises, you will always be you. Learn what you love, learn what creates chaos in your life. Learn what to blow off, and then learn what to hold dear.

Life is a million miniscule acts combined into our own little happiness.

More Tomorrow...
Kelly :0)