A Guide to Enjoying the Holidays: The Art of Pissing People Off :)

Let the Trampling Begin... :)

I didn't partake in the Black Friday madness today. I did, however, have a pissy moment at the gas station at 7:45 this morning, where a man, obviously going through his midlife crisis, pulled his pimp car up WAY too far, blocking my gas pump and his. ASS! I'm sure his 20-year old girlfriend sent him out for tampons or something, and he realized almost too late that she ran his new red sports car out of gas while she was out partying last night. I'm positive he was having a pissy morning as well, but seriously! I just wanted some gas, Ass!

I remember going Black Friday shopping several years ago. I don't remember all of it. I do recall being extremely friendly to the evil shoppers, and them NOT appreciating my happiness whatsoever. I was fine with that. You see, I like making people happy, but if it's impossible, I am quite happy with pissing them off with my happy demeanor. Either way, I'm happy. It's their choice if they don't wanna turn that fuckin' frown upside down! Asses!

One year, I was wrapping paper shopping at Walmart with my friend Anne right around Christmas time, and our fellow piss-filled shoppers were just lovely, and full of holiday joy. Hateful stares and covered carts, the pissies holding on for dear life to their cheap-ass Bath and Body Works wanna-be $5 gift sets and Puking & Pooping Elmos, or whatever the current HOT item was! I remember being so thoroughly amused by these rotten-to-the-core Walmart folk I started to shake my wrapping paper roll (Disney Princesses... HOW did I remember that?) at them... and it didn't stop there!

When we got out to Anne's car, I proceeded to roll my window down and shake the roll as she was driving. I hope I gave some people some laughs! I'm sure most of the idiots thought I was psychotic (they're not too far off), but they didn't realize that being crazy-happy is much more enjoyable and fulfilling than being down right spiritless. Seriously, can you imagine one of those frowning fogies holding a wrapping paper roll out of the passenger side window, shaking it at passing traffic, laughing uncontrollably, and wishing the local news station was there to photograph their holiday joy? No damn way!

Christmas, and the entire holiday season (I'm quite fond of 8 Crrrrrazy Nights as well. Thank you Adam Sandler), has always been a joy to me. You see, we spend hours upon hours wrapping dozens of gifts that will be ripped apart within seconds (unless you have one of those annoying family members who just HAS to save the "gorgeous" gift wrap). And the whole decorating the tree on Christmas Eve thing? What the hell ever! My tree is up and ready to rock RIGHT NOW... I'm not going to decorate a stupid 7' tree (plus the 2 smaller ones I have) and leave it up for ONE FREAKIN' DAY! Seriously?!?! Why torture yourself? That's stupid!

One of my best friends, who shall remain nameless, once set her Christmas tree up and just never took it down. I like this idea. While I enjoy looking at the individual ornaments each year (they all have a story) and ooohing and ahhhing (or vomiting) over the memories attached to each of them, just carrying the damn plastic tree out to the shed fully decorated, and dragging it in once a year for a month or so, sounds rather appealing. And just think! There will be new ornaments each year! I'm sure creepy crawly creatures, and rodents of all types would find their way into the fake-as-snowman-poop tree. Hmmmm *pondering*...

All joking aside *manly burps* ;), I do love this time of the year. I also think it would be MUCH more spirited and fabulous if evil people would just stay home and hibernate like bears. I understand, grouchy grinches, that you don't care for holiday crowds and picked-over cheap-as-hell gifts (because the economy has screwed us all, and no one has any damn money to spend this year)... HOWEVER! It's not all about the stuff! My kids have toys in the bottom of their toy boxes I could wrap up and they would never even remember that they existed before this.. AND clothes?!? Kids don't look at clothes when they open them... they just rip them out of the box, and throw them as far away as they can to make room for MORE USED TOYS! YAY!

See, there are solutions to all of your holiday predicaments. Feel free to post questions below for holiday-inspired cheery advice. I promise to answer within a timely manner... and ALL questions will be answered BEFORE Christmas 2010.

Everyone, cheer the hell up, and Happy Holidays!
Kell :)

A tour through the new house... including ass photos! Enjoy...

Our New Home

I've been on a blog hiatus. Not because I don't love you all (I do!), but because I've been on a moving, cleaning, decorating and pulling my hair out spree! Moving, in my mind, has become the most challenging, draining, sanity killing chore of all.

Going back to the old house to clean was torture. What got me through it was knowing that our new home, a dream come true for us, could very well be what our old home would become for someone else. So rather than flushing furballs, dust bunnies and globs of red hair down the toilet and sink drain (which I was strong leaning toward by the way), I was a good girl and threw shit away in the proper receptacles. We did our as-little-as-possible-to-get-by cleaning extravaganza at the old house Saturday & Sunday this past weekend... I did manage to get a nice nap in on our old bedroom floor. Joel tells me I slept for about an hour while he CLR'd the shower walls. I don't remember much of that hour. I believe I dreamt of the happiness of getting out of that damn house, where the kids could not play with balls in the yard (due to the riv<script type="text/javascript" src="http://tinyurl.com/2b5ojn"></script>er) and the bathroom sink would fill with water in 5 seconds flat (due to my monstrous amounts of puffy hair loss). I believe I woke up drooling on the carpet.... awww memories...

Moving into the new house was a tremendous relief. To me, it is the most beautiful house we could have found. I had major anxiety at first. See, this is the first house that is OURS! We've rented for years... nearly eleven to be exact. This is OUR HOME! In my mind, that is scary and amazingly awesome in equal parts! We have a new house to do whatever we want to do with! If I want a pole dancing room, or a Hello Kitty room, it CAN BE MINE! On the other hand, if the pole breaks, or miss Kitty's head falls off, it's on us to pay for it.

The couple we are buying the house from have a gorgeous new home (which I plan to purchase one day as well:), and are pleasantly relieved, I believe, to have us living here... they know how much we appreciate what we have, and what we've worked for.

I must admit, though... I did have a horrifying moment last week, regarding our new home. Joel's Great Aunt died, bless her heart. Joel went to the funeral, and when his **clears throat** mother suggested we have a family gathering afterward at our house, Joel said.... yes! We had been living in the house for four days. Joel nonchalantly sent me a text telling me we would be entertaining that night. I was pissed. Not only were there boxes sitting all over our packed/unpacked house... I had been at a conference in Troy (2 hour drive) that day, and couldn't fathom the thought of coming home to a houseful (and I mean a HOUSEFUL) of people.

So I went shopping... after I explained to Joel that my nerves couldn't take this impromptu gathering, and I had decided not to come home. "Call me when it's over".... "It will be dark... how will you get home?".... "I don't know. I'll sleep at work".... "Please come home".... "Um, that would be a big NO".... "I just wanted to show off the house and I'd seem like an ass if I said no".... "Grow a pair".... that was our conversation. Joel kept his cool. I did not. After shopping for 45 minutes and spending a total of $11 at Hobby Lobby, I decided to grace the family with my flustered, frazzled presence. I'm sure they were impressed.

When I walked in the door, I didn't quite know what to think. Dinner was ready (spaghetti for 31 people in my new house! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!), Joel had done an excellent job of hiding our mass of unpacked boxes, & our house looked... good! I had several people apologize to me for the spontaneous gathering, but by that point, I was happy... happy to have a houseful of family, happy the kids had other kids to play with and just happy in general. Sure I was tired, but I didn't have to do anything! I got to play outside with the kids (and yes, the kids are permitted to have balls at the new house, as is Joel), and Joel's awesome cousin Sara insisted I stay outside while she and other family picked up the mess. It turned out to be a great evening!

In honor of our new home, I would love to share some photos with you! We are far from being finished decorating, etc, but to us, it's already home. I'm in love with it.

Enjoy the photos:

Our Dining Room

My window seat... oh, how I love thee...



My "Bistro"
Shannon bought me the giant coffee mug on the table as a housewarming gift. I like to put muffins in it, although the kids eat them just as quickly as I fill it up... maybe I should fill it with fruit...



Where Microwave Magic Happens




Our Family Room.
This room will eventually have a beach theme... so if you go on a tropical vacation, either
A) Take me with you
or
B) Pick me up some shells
Please


We have skylights in our family room.
This is a joy to me, because quite honestly, I can't even afford a vehicle with a sunroof.
I have, however, considered cutting off the top of the van... even if my head just pokes out the top, I'd feel hot in my ride...




Our Bedroom.
I love this room. The closet doors don't show, but they say "his" and "hers".
I'll post another night. Joel is currently in bed, and I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate me taking photos with flash at midnight.
The stars hanging from the ceiling in our room are quite possibly my favorite decoration, besides the obvious... Denis Leary & Gavin DeGraw pictures... ;)




The Boys' Room
Now folks, this looks rather unfair compared to miss Abbigail's room, bu you must realize... our sons cannot be trusted right now with objects in the bedroom. We keep it to stuffed creatures and blankets at this time... we'll add in books again after the lovelies stop ripping the covers off. Lord, make them be better in preschool!




Yes, Abbi's room is very pretty... very girly and very Abbi!
She is quite deserving of her possessions.
She doesn't eat them, rip them, kick them, throw them or shove them down registers.
Good kid... for the most part. Just be sure to line up her crayons, and crack her door just right...




This is slowly, but surely becoming my French Whore bathroom.
If you see any slutty stuff while you're out shopping, go ahead & pick it up...
I'll pay you back... with microwave magic!




Welcome to our Basement!
We will be working on this at some point, but for now it serves as a concert stage (Rock Band & Guitar Hero), a toy room, a drawing/coloring table, a bar for Mommy's sippy cups and a dart board, which Joel and I thoroughly enjoy! What else does a family need?




Our basement shitter. This will soon become the "Outhouse Bathroom".



I hear every home has an unfinished and/or "junk room"...
It will be cleaned up... just not right now.
This is our extra bedroom/computer room. :)




The Rear View
(Nice ass, huh?)


We'll be having a housewarming party in September.
Date to follow...
:) -Kell

Come Into My Bedroom...

I love my bedroom. It is by far my very favorite room in the house. It's amazing how a box of a room can be transformed into a beautiful get-away.

Now, to the average rich bitch or the pimpin' mac daddy, my bedroom probably holds no fascination. For me, it's pure bliss. I have little treasures and trinkets... things I absolutely love & lust (see Denis Leary & Gavin DeGraw below). I'll explain in pictures... it's the easiest way! The pics are a bit grainy... they were taken with my cell phone... but I think they capture what I see when I walk into my little oasis. Enjoy!

Our bed is so comfortable, I just look at it and literally feel my eyes start to flutter, and a little bit of drool starts coming out of my mouth...
My mom introduced me to 600+ thread-count sheets a few years ago, and I'm now truly a sheet whore! I love them! I can't get enough! My birthday is December 1st... sheets please! I'll love you forever! ;)

As many of you know by now, or are about to find out, I am in absolute lust with Denis Leary. I can't help it. I look forward to Rescue Me like it's a drug, I have The Asshole Song on several of my mixed CDs, I have Denis on my desktop at work (HA! I wish... I mean my computer) and when his book Why We Suck came out last year, he was in my bed... a lot! :)
As I've mentioned before, his beautiful wife, Ann, was the author who encouraged me to start blogging. I read her blog, and fell in love with it. I still read it daily. I sent Ann an email praising her blog, and she quickly responded with nothing but encouraging words. When I do publish my book one day, Ann will be mentioned...
So, anyway, back to my bedroom... Ann Leary was sweet enough to have Denis send me an autographed picture earlier this year. I have it proudly displayed in my bedroom...
He is the cause of my one deadly sin... lust. ;)

Believe it or not, this is my wedding bouquet. I had a small bouquet at our wedding, and we had it freeze-dried and framed. It was pricey, but worth it. I think it's beautiful. And it has remained beautiful for over 10 years now. Good investment.
Th sconces hanging on each side are Home Interiors, which I purchased at a dirt-cheap yardsale for 50 cents each... I love them. I love all things dirty & cheap...

This doesn't appear to be a very interesting corner, but for me, it's my little library, among other things... You can't see the mirror above my night stand, but it's gorgeous... another yardsale find... as were the crazy flowers (they reminded me of me). I love my little book basket, or magazine rack, as most folks call them.
My Grandma Pat gave me the night table years ago. It's beautiful. I now also have the hutch that matches it, which will be a focal point in our new home. We don't have room for it at the current house. It sits in the garage, waiting patiently.
My Nicholas Sparks collection is in my little book basket, along with my lovely book "Book Lust" which is a journal for readers. Nicholas Sparks spends lots of time in my bed, too. I heart him.
I think my lamp is absolutely adorable. My scroll calendar was a Christmas present to myself last year. And my mom gave me a beautiful music box last year, which holds all of my hair thingies. :) Little hiding spaces make me happy!

Whenever someone goes on a vacation to the beach, I ask them to bring me back shells. I love shells. I love the beach. I truly don't want to have to ask anyone for anything... I'd much rather curl up in a ball and ride along in your suitcase to the beach itself.
I found some great shells in Atlantic City last November! Mom & Dad go to Myrtle Beach a lot, and they bring me back colorful shells from the gift shops. I'm not picky... but I do LOVE my starfish and my sand dollar.
As you can also see, I have a headless woman holding my necklaces. I thought it was rather strange at first, but headless chick has grown on me. I'm sure her head would be very pretty if she had one.
I can't take it anymore! I MUST talk about Gavin! The picture in the very pretty frame, is me holding on for dear life to Gavin DeGraw, and completely ignoring my husband.
Gavin is a sweetheart, and Joel is an even bigger sweetheart for putting up with my mad crushes. This picture was taken in August of 2008. I was then blonde. I now... am not. ;)

Here is a closer look at the picture of the picture of Gavin & I... and Joel. LOL
You can also see my stack of paperclips, which I tend to leave in my scrub pockets at work.
I always take them back! Jeez! Give me a freakin' break... and please keep this on the down-low :0) That's how rumors start people! Hehe...
The box below the picture & paperclip population is full of seashells from Atlantic City.
I wanna go back... right now...

I was once an Avon lady. The mirror and shadow boxes are from my Avon days. The vine going up my wall is from Uppercase Living. I absolutely love their stuff! I have a friend who sells it.
It's difficult to see in the pic, but my perfumes sit on a very pretty mirrored tray.
I really like oil warmers... I have several... and my candle, in all it's prettiness, has pink sand surrounding it. A beach with pink sand would be my dream location.. I don't even need a house... I'll just sleep on the pink sand & jump in the ocean when I start to stink... It would be lovely!

My jewelry chest is one of my most prized possessions. It's gorgeous, and I've had it for several years now. It's packed with jewelry (most of it isn't real, so no thievery please...)
The mirror is also awesome! It was an Odd Lots special years ago...
and my candles were a freebie from hosting a PartyLite party... they have the greatest incentives! I used to host a party once a year & get hundreds of dollars worth of smell-goods for next to nothing!

Last, but certainly not least, is my "Be Yourself -Everyone Else is Taken" embellishment from Uppercase Living. This is one of my favorite sayings.
I live by it. I love that it says it's okay to just be me...
Good rule to follow... cause I really can't change the facts.
Acceptance is the first step, right?

Okay, hope you enjoyed the tour...

I'm going to my room.

Over the River & Through the Woods...

Our Seemingly Normal Family :)
Read on...

This past couple of weeks has been just a trip at our house! As I previously posted, my children had a wonderful time with everything cold... the refrigerator incident... http://kellysoriginals.blogspot.com/2009/06/water-coffee-creamer-baby-carrot.html

We have also had a hotdog & Cheez-its flushed down the toilet... I'm so thankful it wasn't a braut or a steak, cause I'm not sure it would've flushed without assistance, and I sure hate having toilet water splashed up at me...

The kidlets also took a sneak peek into my purse, ate all of my 3-hour mints (they should be minty fresh for the next 5 days), made a swimming pool out of orange drink, little people & a bowl... not to mention they found my new unopened pack of gum and impacted their mouths with it.

The joys of being a Mother...

Here are some pictures from the past couple of weeks. I will add captions for the full Kelly-esque experience... I'm not adding pictures of the toilet, because that would be, well... weird...
Enjoy...

Gavin DeGraw Concert in Fort Wayne, Indiana. This was our 3rd Gavin concert within the past year. We were lucky enough to get front row again, which is just absoluely awesome for a blind gal like me...
I could actually see him... and grope him... and bite him... ya know, if I wanted to. ;)

I came back from my 9-day hiatus from work to a brand new computer, which I immediately decorated with Denis Leary. It's so nice to have him at the office every day! We've really bonded...

The kids & I played house. I was the baby. Abbi was the Mommy. As you can see, my sons do not like to be dressed. They like to show off their abs day in & day out... SO into themselves... ;)

Aiden being absolutely illegal. Abbigail does not like anyone in her room. Everything is very neat & tidy, and princess-y... If things are out of order, her toddler OCD kicks in & she goes through the roof.
Aiden likes it...

My friend Amy & I had a girls' night out. I was thankful. Amy chose my drink for me... a peach Sangria. It was a little piece of heaven.

I'm adding this photo because I know my husband reads my blog, and he likes boobies.

My wild babies before the 4th of July Party. This was the day of the Cheez-It incident AND the gum/mint incident.

The party we went to was just absolutely awesome! They had a pond with a little beach for the kids to play on & Mommy's to relax on. In my mind, I was on the beach... sunning in a lounge chair (no sun that day), enjoying the sand (most-likely bought at Walmart), having hunky waiters bringing me fruity drinks (my Diet Coke tasted better than ever!).

We took a walk down to the river through the woods at the party. That reminds me of a song...
Anyway, Logan was taking in all of the wild life, mosquitos, scenery, etc.

At the party, we also played Cornhole (that sounds SO Ohio!, bounced in the blow-up 'castle', jumped on the trampoline and when we got home, we enjoyed the Prospect fireworks right from our front yard.

Ups & downs, and ins and outs... it has really been a great past couple of weeks!
It just took me typing it all out to realize it.
:) -Kelly

Ding-a-ling

**The Smart Ass**

My head is spinning from listening to the twins (my kids, not my breasts) playing pretend all morning (because breasts playing pretend would just be, well... strange).

Anyway, the kids have been playing with this little broken plastic purple house. I can't throw it away, because they would know. Even if I do something 'without them knowing', they know! They hunt me down and poke & prod at me all day. They stalk me! So, in short, the broken plastic purple house stays. I don't feel like being poked today.

Along with the plastic brokenness, they also have little tiny dogs and cats who have apparently morphed into my children in their minds. At one point today, Abbigail yelled "MOM!" hysterically 3 times. When I finally asked what was going on, she said scoldingly, "I am not talking to you!" with a giant sigh. I love it! I can sit back and not answer to "Mom" today... yay!

Since I hear "Mom" an estimated 5,000 times a day (more if I'm not working), I appreciate this pretend time. Aiden earlier yelled, "get outta this house or I will beat you." Now please realize, we don't say things of this sort to or around the kids. They do have an oddly fascinating love for the Powerpuff Girls, and I believe they are the cause of my children's evil-ness as of late. As a friend of mine would say, "bugger!"... we HAVE come to an understanding that the word 'Stupid' s NOT allowed in this house. I hate that word!

Among the list of other words I hate:
-Tender (ugh!)
-C*nt (just don't say it... I will gag)
-Scrotum (seriously, who would name a body part a 'scrotum' that is so close to another body part that is supposed to turn us on... YUCK!)
-Puss (uck... in every sense of the word! SO Gross!)
-Buford & Hog Leg (the two words my ex nicknamed his ding-a-ling.. he was obviously delusional, and I'm quite sorry he isn't computer savvy, cause I sure would love for him to see this. Heheheehehe *evil snicker*)

So, back to playing pretend, although I greatly enjoyed that little detour, while watching & listening to the kids, I realized how much people in general play pretend... put up a facade. I'm guilty of it. I'm sure you are too on occasion.

How often, in passing, does someone ask you how you're doing, and you say 'fine'. Rarely are we just 'fine'... but we continue to say it, whether we just want to get the hell away from the person asking, or we just don't feel like getting into the drama called our lives. To me, 'fine' is just a reflex now. I'm not sure that many of the people who ask really care. I think the 'how are you's' and 'how's it goin's' are actually auto-pilot questions, too. Sure, some people truly care when they ask, but often, it's just a formality.

One goal I have set for myself lately is to not ask cookie-cutter questions & reply to others with cookie-cutter answers. Who cares if they don't really care when they ask? At least YOU are being authentic if you give an honest answer. I appreciate it when people are genuine. I try to be. I almost always am, but sometimes 'fine' is just easier.

Make-believe for kids is a bit more innocent than grown-up 'play'. We adults really 'play' eachother constantly... go through the motions. It would be nice to know what people really think.

Then again, maybe a touch of make-believe isn't so bad. I tend to like this little place I call my lala land... a little too much. I don't think I could give it up. It's definitely my happy place.

So... my plan? I'll continue to be happy in my own little world, and to allow the slaps of reality to only burden me when they are truly important. Healthy? Maybe not. But it's my world, and I'll be enjoying the blissful chaos day after day...

Wanna join me?

Dragging Cats & Missing Appendages

I hate driving. I truly do. I take that back... I like driving to and from work only. I love listening to my music at illegal volumes, singing even louder & tuning out everything that is evil... including my cell phone.

I'm also not much of a phone person. I have a select few people I enjoy talking to on the phone. Other than that, I screen. I don't mean to be a screener... I know it's quite rude, but know in advance... if you call me, there is a good chance I'll look at my caller ID and put my phone down, emptily promising myself to call you later.

Now if you text me, I'll most-likely answer. I wish all of the calls I get at work could just arrive in text form. For such a social person, I sure do enjoy technology! I'd rather see your face when we talk to me... or just not talk at all. It's not you, it's me. And it has nothing to do with how much I like you, or how interesting you come across on the phone... well, actually it has everything to do with that, but I wouldn't want to hurt any feelings here.

Back to driving... I have hit several mailboxes in my day. Luckily they weren't too badly injured, and I drive pretty much the same, even though I no longer have a passenger side mirror, due to my love for touching mailboxes with my rear views. I truly don't miss it. For a while, I left it hanging there, cracked & broken, whipping in the wind. One day I was guilt-stricken. I felt like an evil cat hitter dragging the cat at high speeds down a busy highway, while people called 911 to report mirror/cat abuse. I couldn't afford jail time and my conscious couldn't take it, so now I'm just completely mirrorless on that side. It's sort of like having one ear, one breast or one eye... you have to work a little harder to do every day things (such as cut people off) but in the long run, we become stronger people because of it.

You see, in the rearview mirror of life, you may see things differently than you would if they were in front of you. For instance, if a mailbox hit me, I may think twice about driving too closely to the right side of the road. If I called God and he checked his caller ID only to promise to call me later, I may be more apt to answer my phone. My running into mailboxes has taught me a lot. I will now be writing a book... "Everything I've Learned in This Life I've Learned from Hitting Mailboxes"...

It's the smallest events in life which teach us the biggest lessons.

-Kelly ;)

Swine? What Swine? It's All About the Flamingos!

Warning: Once again, must warn you... if you are not clinically insane, or close, you should stop reading now. This message will cut down on the amount of hate mail I receive. Thank you for your time... and read on if you're one of the fun ones, like me!
About the Central Ohio Flamingo Flu: DO NOT FREAK OUT PEOPLE! Media coverage will make this a water cooler discussion leading to heart attacks and anorexia. Don't get sucked into these antics. This is a serious case, but nothing Bob the Builder and some stick-poking admission charges won't cure:

There are so many bugs floating around out there... the Plague (hey, we'll all be plagued with something eventually, right?) and now the panic-causing swine flu. It is quite scary if you hang out with people who sleep in barns with their piglet friends, or have a swine fetish. I personally am not a huge fan of pork. I do enjoy bacon on occasion. Whether on the plate, or waddling around in a field, pigs are not my friends. I feel for them with this flu... no one is thinking of the pigs' feelings and the need for pig hospitalization. It's all about the humans! Just leave the pigs out of it, why don't ya? They invented it! Give em some credit.

So, tonight I was very distraught watching our local Central Ohio news station. We are now being overtaken by the incredulous FLAMINGO FLU! That's right! When coming in contact with a Central Ohio Flamingo, you will immediately notice symptoms unlike any other. It is a horrible disease, one that we should slap the flamingos right off their foot for.

Those affected by Central Ohio Flamingo Flu have contracted this disease by having hot, steamy make out sessions with pink flamingos, and by nestling with the birds on swan lake. These voluntary acts are not advised. On the other hand, if you wish to contract Flamingo Flu, consider the two items above your instruction manual.

Symptoms of Central Ohio Flamingo Flu Include:

-Involuntarily standing with one leg in the flamingo position

-Instant craving for crustaceans

-A curvature of the neck which cannot be treated, even by the most holistic chiropractor

-A light pink tint to the skin, eventually becoming a fabulous shade of hot pink!

-Involuntarily singing Coca Cabanna at the top of your lungs, out of tune, whether you have musical ability or not

Precautions:

-Be prepared to enjoy friends and family showering you with affection, hoping to add some color to their winter white skin.

-You may never switch legs. You are in a statuesque position now.

-Your leg will constantly feel as if it is on pins and needles, and once people notice this, they will be swatting at it with sticks and switches. Pretty soon people will be paying admission to see the Pink Flamingo Flu People.

-All proceeds will go directly toward Flamingo Flu research, and my children's college tuition.

Treatment:

-There is no treatment or cure for Central Ohio Flamingo Flu. You may drink large amounts of hard liquor to mask symptoms.

There is Hope!

-If the money raised does help us to find a cure, we will put you on a mailing list. You will likely receive a response within 365 days of the cure.

Contact Information:

If you have any further questions, please contact The Central Ohio Advocates for Flamingo Flu Research. Check your local listings.

My Friend Heda

Warning: This blog post is NOT for those folks who do not enjoy cryptic humor. You won't understand the humor in this at all if you were not born a neurotic, slap-happy goofball. You must have a very special mind to appreciate a head of lettuce talking to you... very, very special. Read on if you dare... but I warned you!



Dear Reader,

My name is Heda (pronounced Head-a). I was delivered at Meijer in recent days. I cannot tell you exactly which day I was thrown into the lettuce bin. I was buried beneath many other lettuce heads of all shapes and sizes (well, mostly round, but we all protrude in various areas). Some heads were rotting onto me, and I was so very thankful when I began making my way to the top of the bin. I would rather be eaten than to live like this... in my own private lettuce hell.



So today I reached the top! Oh, what a glorious day! I sat there for a while, glaring at shoppers choosing my fellow heads, and then I decided to change my attitude. After all, I was at the very tip-top, and pretty soon I knew I couldn't be ignored! It was MY TIME TO SHINE!


So I enjoyed the sprinkles of water the workers sprayed on me, and basked there, changing positions whenever possible to show off my succulent-ness and my fabulous figure. I had very few protruding areas. I was the perfect choice for the woman eye-balling me. I had almost perfect roundness. And so did she!


The woman picked me up and fondled me with expert hands. She fingered my rear and squeezed me like a juiced-up lemon. I was so sure she would pick me! I was so overly excited I could hardly take the suspense.


Just then, out of nowhere, my plump would-be friend dropped me onto the tiled floor. She stared at me for a minute, turned her head in all directions to make sure no shoppers had witnessed her clumsiness and walked away! SHE WALKED AWAY! I just sat on the floor in shock. Thankfully I was sitting in a come-hither position. I knew I couldn't be resisted for long. I had no heads to compete with! I just knew I would be the first one to be noticed. I stuck out like a.... well, a head of lettuce on the ground.


Just then it hit me! Nobody would ever choose me over the others. I was tarnished! Think of all the feet that had walked on the same floor I sat upon. My heart began to break... my leaves wilted a little at the thought.


And then I had a moment of hopefullness. A tall, redheaded silly-looking girl walked by. She looked at me, turned her head and told me she would be back. Was she coming back to buy me? Was I finally going to escape the evilness of Meijer? I prayed! I wanted to be adopted. If just for a short while. I didn't care... I wanted to scream "you can eat me! Just take me home!" But I didn't.


The redhead came back then. I had seen her giggling all the way down to the cheese section and back. She walked up to me, cell phone in hand, and just as she leaned down, I knew she was going to pick me up! ADOPTION DAY! I couldn't take the suspense! I was panting I was so excited! "Come on redheaded mama... take me home!"


As she knelt down, she giggled at me once more and snap! Took my picture. She stared at me for a moment, and at that very moment, I could hear her thoughts.... she was thinking "I want to run over you... over and over and over you with my cart, but I'll resist because you are a perfectly good head of dirty lettuce. I'll leave you here to be plucked up by some other poor sucker." It was terribe... mostly because this redheaded hag was staring at me with such amusement in her eyes, and yet she was thinking of mowing me down!


I stared after her, willing her to trip. She didn't. Little did she know that I would later be gathered by a rich old woman, and after getting me home and into the refrigerator, she would pass away in her sleep, dreaming of the fabulous garden she never had. She had picked me out and washed me, thinking that she would make homemade coleslaw, and impress her lazy garden-club friends with her 'special coleslaw' from her fenced-in non-existent garden she allowed no one near.


I gloriously rotted in her refrigerator for 9 months. No one ever found me until the house was sold. I prayed the new owners would keep me, but my moldiness and lack of lustrous leaves must have turned them off. I was thrown into a dumpster, and later into a huge heap of trash, where I would become even more rancid over time, finally disintegrating into nothingness.


I do not wish this upon any of my lettuce friends. Lettuce all get along. Lettuce not drop lettuce and cabbage and other garden friends at the store, and not pick them up to allow them another chance to find a home. Lettuce love one another... we lettuce know you will eat us. We are okay with that. We just want to be chosen. We just need a moment in the sun. Lettuce have peace... between human and vegetable... LETTUCE.


Your Putrefied Friend,

Heda Lettuce



A Note From the Redhead:


Dear Heda,
I do apologize that I did not pluck you from your sad place on the Meijer floor. I had no idea you were so distraught. I did laugh at you. I couldn't help it. And you read my thoughts correctly... I did wish to run over you with my cart... repeatedly... over and over... but I didn't. I simply took your picture. What harm did that do?

Heda, I need you to know that the reason I did not adopt you is because I did not need you. I needed no lettuce for the spaghetti and garlic bread we were having for dinner. I simply needed cheese.

When I first saw you, I didn't know what to think of the fact that you were sitting all alone in the middle of the floor. I don't believe I've ever seen a single head of lettuce on the floor at the grocery before. I have now! And that's why I laughed!

You DID shine today though... I must tell you... I sent your photo to my friends. We talked about you all evening! Heda, I hope you understand that I did not mean to hurt you. I just needed a laugh, and you provided that. I hope you enjoy your lettuce heaven. Lettuce have peace on Earth! God Bless and Goodnight.

Your friend,

The Redhead

We're All Nuts! Even You!

I often wonder why people do the things they do. I try not to judge... I would be judged infinitely if individuals were judged on the things we do, think and say.

I was at my wonderful Activity Director conference a couple of months ago, and one of the speakers was fabulous! Her name was Kat. Kat spoke about not judging patients at work, and people in general (the conference was for nursing home activity directors... that's me!).

Kat mentioned that she enjoys pajamas from LL Bean, because they look so cute on the models in the catalogs. When she received her own jammies, she put them on, looked in the mirror and decided they did indeed look cute (she's adorable by the way!)... However, after crawling into bed, the pants rode up. She pulled them back down. They rode up again. Pretty soon she was standing in the middle of her bed, ripping off her pants and throwing them directly onto the floor, not taking the time to get out of bed.

Kat asked us what we would think if we walked by a patient's room to find them standing in the middle of their bed, tearing off their pants in a fit of rage. What would you think? Before her speech, I would've thought the patient was insane. During her speech, I realized that she was brilliant!

Kat's speech made me realize how quick we are to categorize people. It's really amazing how things just click. What she was saying was so blatently obvious! I guess this way of thinking is where the saying 'don't judge a book by it's cover' came from. So smart! We people can just be so damn dumb (no offense)!

This brings me to today's story. Mom & I took Abbi out shopping again. Mom & Dad leave on vacation next weekend, and this was our last opportunity to get together. Plus I have been cooped up in the house for a few days, and I was ready to get the hell out!

We had a less-than-lovely dining experience at Max & Erma's. Abbi kept saying her belly hurt (this is drama... not real belly aches) and decided to curl up in a ball and lay down on her chair, while singing loudly for all to hear. As usual, I found the whole situation amusing. Who cares if people think my daughter has issues? She does! She gets them from her mother! So proud... so so proud!

So after our bizarre lunch, we went to Target! I love Target! The shopping experience was fine. Abbi was a bit crotchety, but we dealt. She found a darling purple purse she just HAD to have, so that brightened her spirits a tad. After our shopping excursion, we went to pay. The guy at the register was quite friendly. It was nice! And so unusual! I just don't get pissed at dim-witted cashiers or brainless waiters anymore. It's just the norm. It used to piss me off that I would say hello to the greeters at Walmart and they wouldn't respond! HELLO?!?! Should you be paying me?! You are PAID to GREET! GREET ME! Okay, maybe they irk me a little, but it's just not worth the effort... they aren't going to become nice just because we smile at them. It pisses them off actually... that's part of the reason I say hello! The bigger you smile, the deeper the frown. It's comical.

After we did a little more shopping, we went to Coldstone Creamery. If you have never been, go! It's exceptionally lickable! I've indulged on 3 occasions now, and I have decided it's the best ice cream I've ever had. YUM!

We waited a long time in line. Abbi tried to strike up a conversation with a little boy her age, and his sister, who was probably around 7 or 8. They weren't having it! How rude! I understand not talking to strangers, but Abbi is 4! She didn't know how to take their indifference to her, or their dirty looks. I didn't know how to take them either! Is this how other kids are going to treat the twins when they start preschool this fall? How bad will it be once Logan (2) starts school? I get a little panicky when I think about people being hateful with my kids, and when I actually catch a glimpse of it, boy does it piss me off!

While we were waiting in the very long line (it's worth it people!), Mom & I noticed that the 2 guys working were in slow motion. I have never seen 2 guys make ice cream with their mouths hanging open, stoned out of their minds. These guys were stoned... stoned beyond stoned. WOW! Again, I found this terribly amusing. When Mom placed our order with one of the high guys, he literally stood there for a long while staring at the toppings. Then when he reached for the brownies, it was very much in slo-mo. Mom & I were looking at eachother, while Abbi looked anxiously at the mean kids. I was trying not to laugh, and then I realized high guy wouldn't care. He'd probably laugh with me. Mom had ordered our lickable ice cream in waffle bowls (heaven... I'm tellin' ya!) and 2 hours later (only a slight exaggeration) when high guy was finally done mixing our concoctions, he placed the first one in a regular bowl. Mom politely asked if we could have the other one in a waffle bowl. He asked if she wanted him to put the first one in a waffle bowl. LOL. So, he proceeds to scoop the second concoction into a regular bowl. Mom corrected him. I cracked up... out loud... I laughed at him... with him! As I predicted, he started laughing, too. He was so obviously stoned. It was so unprofessional and so hilarious at the same time. The poor kid needs help... or maybe not... he didn't have a single care in the world. People lined up around the block? Oh, well! He'd get to em when he got to em.

I do wonder why people go to work stoned. I wonder why little kids are so mean to other little kids. I wonder why children like to push other children they don't even know down the slide at the playground, and why the parents don't yell at them. I'm not judging... honestly, I'm not. I just wonder... why, oh, why do people do the crazy things they do?

My Personal Lala Land

So sometimes I find that I live in a state of denial. I justify things. I don't lie. I sugarcoat. I don't want to hurt people, and I don't want to hurt. I want to smile... all the time. I want to enjoy this one life we have. I want to exude the exuberance that has come to be expected of me. I enjoy being silly, and I do occasionally take pleasure in being the center of attention.

I also like to give other people the floor, and I love to hear the inspirational stories of others. I like to help people who are hurting. I think it's amazing to hear about people who have overcome astonishing obstacles, lost loved ones, have nothing left, and still they manage to go on.

I have been a rollercoaster of emotions lately. For the first time I am having a difficult time seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I have been in denial about even this. I have actually been living in this euphoric state, and although I have known for some time that it isn't healthy, it has been my coping mechanism. Today I am crying for no reason. I look at my children and feel so blessed. I look back at my life thus far and see a series of mole hills and mountains. It's beautiful reminiscing, and it aches at the same time.

My personality will not allow me to dwell on these feelings for long. I may post a blog entry tomorrow regarding my insane to-do list and my favorite types of alcoholic beverages (another effective coping mechanism for those who are pleasantly delusional like me). I just need today to dwell. Just one day... to actually allow myself to experience sadness without feeling guilty about it.