Toothpicks & Confidence

I don't think confidence is something that comes naturally for most women.

I noticed while I was at the gym earlier this week that many thin, beautiful girls & women are quite self-conscious. There was a girl on the treadmill in front of me who was looking around, tugging at her shirt to cover her barely-there booty, obviously about to have a panic attack, thinking someone may think or say she was fat.

On a machine beside me was a very pretty, round woman with a larger derriere, listening to her iPod, smiling and humming without a care in the world. She rocked! I stared at her for a long time. In fact, if she hadn't been in her own happy place, she may have wondered what the hell I was staring at. This woman did not care. She had no problem with her shape, and from the way she was working out, I have a strong feeling she is in excellent physical condition. The toothpick on the treadmill was walking at a snail's pace. The entire comparison was just eye-opening, and amusing.

I have never exuded self-confidence. I take that back. I was once told that I look stuck-up because I walk tall (I'm 5' 10" so I really have no choice) and look straight ahead. Since I was hit with this unsettling information, I am now always careful to smile at everyone, and normally I speak to them as well. That is, unless they are the type to interpret 'hello' as an invitation to talk for an hour about their perfect dog, and perfect kids and perfect flower garden... then I smile widely, and start walking just a little swifter.

So, okay, maybe I radiate self-assurance but it's always been a bit of a facade. I have very pale skin. I always have. I don't tan... at all... ever... luckily some guys think that's hot! :0) In all seriousness, kids find something about every other kid to pick on. Mine was obvious. And the mean things those kids said hurt me... for a long time.

Just the other day I wore a shorter skirt to work. Many of the residents commented on how nice I looked. They are all painfully pale, too. They understand. :) One of the first comments I heard from a staff member? "Girl, you need to find yourelf a tan"... other remarks included, but were not limited to, "have you ever heard of bronzer in a bottle?", "I never realized how white you are"... It was annoying at first, but then I realized it was actually amusing. Imperfect people pointing out my imperfections. Finally one of my favorite nurses said, "Well, what do they expect... your face is pale, and your arms... why would your legs be any different?" I loved her fori t.

See, I have very long legs. I actually think I have fabulous legs! Yes, I have tried the tan in a bottle, and I'm not writing it off... I may try again. But it streaks me. I know, I know.. there are lots of good braands out there... blah blah blah... the point is, when you are as ghostly as me, they are ALL gonna streak... between the fingers, on the ankle nubs... and should I go ahead & rub my ears with it so they will match my face? See? It's not so simple for a melaninless chick with daddy-longlegs! Seriously!

I realized that day at the gym how much less self-conscious I am now. I compare myself to the two chicks at the gym, and I realize I am a healthy in-between. I don't exactly hold my head up high, thinking I'm a hottie, but I don't stare nervously either, wondering if I'm the center of everyone's attention. I am not flawless. I have many imperfections. But I also have some pretty great qualities! I hear I am funny. I was just voted the most happy-go-lucky employee at work for the 2nd year running, I (as I mentioned before) have pretty damn good legs, I get the occasional boob compliment, I have good hair and I am going to have FABULOUS skin and look EXTREMELY young when I am old!

I enjoy my enhanced self-confidence. Nothing has boosted it except for time and experience. Ten years ago I would have never even noticed those two ladies at the gym, because I would have been too concerned about my own appearance. Today I can see the world, and not see only myself... just me in it.

Today's quote of the day:

“They can't hurt you unless you let them.”

Until tomorrow...

Kelly :)

Pulling Out the Aquanet, LipSmackers and Boombox... My Tribute to the 80s & early 90s

This post is proud to be part of:


I'm sitting here tonight in my rainbow leg-warmers, eating Pop Rocks, listening to my NKOTB cassette tape and contemplating playing Twister. I'm getting ready to put on my leotard, work out to some Jane Fonda, bedazzle my pretty pink Caboodle, and then when it's all done... I'll lay down on my daybed with the satin pink ruffled bedspread and read some Judy Blume. Since my hair will get flat from laying around, I'll have to pull out my comb, tease my hair and spray it with Aquanet, only after applying Sun-In for that beachy look. After that, I'll break out my breakdance moves, while listening to my pink boombox and drinking some Tang. How enjoyable it is being in my 80s/90s timewarp!

I was born in 1979. I was a child of the 80s and early 90s. I enjoyed my scrunchies, my huge bangs, my tight-rolled jeans, my music (ie, Poison's Unskinny Bop, Def Leppard's Hysteria cassette, ALL of Debbie Gibson's music, C+C Music Factory, Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now, Cyndi Lauper's True Colors and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, New Kids on the Block's Hangin' Tough and Please Don't Go Girl and MANY more). I also enjoyed my Lik-Em-Aid and Hubba Bubba... and who could forget nose candy... LOL... just kidding... I never went there... well, kinda...

Alright, so all joking aside, I think it's quite fun being a material girl in a material world. I DO miss my pink Caboodle with the multi-trays, all ready for my headbands, blue eyeshadow and Love's Baby Soft. The Easter bunny brought me Baby Soft for Easter this year, and you know what? I still love it! My friend Kara has also offered me her 90s Caboodle, which I plan to immediately bedazzle and fill with my crimper, my Swatch and my woven-thread friendship bracelets. All the while, I'll be watching The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink, wishing I looked like Molly Ringwald and hanging out with Duckie. Wow! I can't wait...

It's so funny looking back! Before tonight and my reminiscing with old friends, I had forgotten about so many of these things! I truly did work out to Jane Fonda & Richard Simmons... Mom was always stocked up on good VHS tapes!

I remember being outside in my jellies, toting around my Strawberry Shortcake doll with the HUGE head, with my boombox turned up so loud, screaming along to "We Built this City on Rock & Roll"... such good times!

I'd ride my bike to meet my friend Amy half-way, although she always wound up riding further than me! We'd watch Johnny and Baby dance over and over again, wishing we could hold on to those muscled biceps! Yum!

I also remember Amy & I laughing so hard at one of our sleepovers that I spit grape juice all over her bedroom! I didn't think miss Judy would EVER let me come back! Amy enjoyed staying at my house anyway because of the abundance of 'fun food'... I believe I remember Amy's Mom always making me drink the milk left in my cereal bowl, which I dreaded... I still don't do that. My kids do. I am SO becoming a true parent... do as I say, and not as I do.

I wonder how the kids of this decade will reminisce... in 15 years, will iPods and Laptops be a thing of the past? Will they laugh at the fact they used to listen to Katy Perry and Gavin DeGraw? Will they giggle uncontrollably about their low-ride jeans and their thongs sticking out above them for the whole world to see... (I laugh uncontrollably about that now)! Will they blush when they think about bikini waxes and having bars put in their ears, and the holes they have left behind.

I remember when it meant that a guy was gay if he had both ears pierced, and it was cool to wear bibs with one side unfastened. I just wonder if the kids of today will look back at this era and remember it as their 'Good Old Days'...

The world seems so much more complicated now that Bonnie Bell's Lip Smackers are no longer a must-have and we don't hear Tears for Fears on the radio anymore. It's a shame really... that bangle bracelets are no longer layered up our arms and Jazzercise is not the fitness group of choice.

Oh, to sit here and remember... it's such a nostalgic feeling... I feel like a young girl getting ready to watch Fraggle Rock with my Popple and my Pound Puppies. Maybe I'll Google Pogo Balls and Roller Racers and order some pre-owned goodness. If I do, I'll invite you all over! We can play with Teddy Ruxpin and call 867-5309 together. Good times ahead friends... good times...

Weighty

So I've been watching what I eat. I haven't been exercising lately, due to not feeling well. In all honesty, for about a week I didn't have an appetite, which greatly boosted my weight loss efforts. I lost 6lbs that week. Unfortunately my appetite is back in full swing, and I'm finding it much more difficult to 'watch what I eat' now that I'm focused on it. I've lost 16lbs total, and I don't care to share how long I've been attempting to shave off that very small tip of my incredibly overwhelming iceberg.

Back in 2001 I lost a little over 72lbs on Weight Watchers. I greatly enjoyed the process, and managed to break out of my comfort zone to become a Weight Watchers leader after losing my weight. Leading the meetings, I believe, is when I truly began to get to know myself. I had always been a bit of a funny hermit. I enjoyed going out with friends, and often made them laugh, but I also found great joy in avoiding life, not answering the telephone and living in my awkward state of confusion.

After losing my weight, and leading the WW meetings for about 2 years, my focus changed, and Joel & I began trying for a baby. I remember I was working down in Columbus at the Weight Watchers corporate office one day when one of the seasoned, very prominant leaders and motivational speakers called me into the conference room and asked me what was going on with my weight. I stared at her in disbelief. Sure, I had gained a few of my pounds back, but I was nowhere near my start weight, and I still looked damn good. She had no idea that, behind the scenes, Joel & I were having fertility problems, and I was a nervous wreck, peeing on sticks constantly, only to be disappointed month after month. Her words stung, and obviously, six years later, I still remember that conversation like it was yesterday. I sat there patiently, and then told her we were trying to get pregnant with no success. She didn't get it. It was all about how you looked in front of the group. How motivational could I be if I had gained 5 or 10lbs?! How obvious that would be to my loyal members. I was quite certain they wouldn't quit attending their weekly meeting, full of friends and encouragement, to find a leader that was a bit thinner than me. Looking back, it is quite amusing. Back then, it was not.

Many months, positions and legs in the air later, we found out we were finally having a baby. I was still working down at the corporate office, and leading a few meetings a week. Although you are not supposed to follow the program while pregnant, I continued to lead the meetings. My members still didn't quit. I guess my huge, beautiful pregnant belly was not a motivation killer for them. I was so extremely sick I actually didn't gain much weight throughout my pregnancy. I threw up the entire 9 months. I blamed it on the fact that I was actually pregnant with twins, but after having another sickly pregnancy 2 years later (a singleton this time), I realized I'm just not very good at being pregnant! I now realize that is why God blessed me with 2 at once. He didn't want me to have to go through that over and over again.

I quit working at the Weight Watchers corporate office shortly after I became pregnant the first time. I can only imagine the comments I would have received regarding my weight from my 'motivational' friend at almost full-term, with nearly 13lbs of baby in my belly!

After I gave birth to the twins, I lost a lot of weight. Then, more quickly than I could have ever imagined in a million years, it came right back! I have been struggling with this ever since.

When I started Weight Watchers again a couple of months ago, I felt that same motivation. Although my circumstances are much different now (3 kiddos four and under, a full-time, often stressful job and making our marriage a priority while working different shifts), I knew I was ready to get back to it, and look at my weight loss journey as a more positive experience this time. No one would be hounding me (except me) and I would take it in stride. I even started another blog, dedicated to my journey. I soon realized that keeping up with one blog was quite enough. After all, I am the girl who buys beautiful journals, writes in them for a week, and then every few months, only to give up and buy a new journal, promising to get to bed earlier each night so I just might have the energy to reflect on my day, and jot down a wonderful story, which would later become a bestseller!

My motivation comes and goes now. I have a great urge to find the thin body within my fatter body again. I remember looking so good, and still feeling fat. I won't make that mistake again. Just this week, a resident at work asked me if I was losing weight (at high volume in front of several others). I answered honestly, and said 'yes I am' proudly, rather than making some snide remark like I would have my first time around. He then went on to tell me that his sister had also noticed. WOW! What a compliment! A good friend I work with also asked me, in that same week, if I had lost weight. I've decided to soak in the compliments and let my chest fill up with pride this time! Why not? I have heard enough put-downs and jerk-face remarks for a lifetime! Plus, the puffier my chest gets, the less you will notice my iceberg belly!

Although it may take me a long, long time to lose what I wish to lose, I know, through this experience, I will gain a better perspective and learn (even more) to be thankful for my amped-up view of life and living.

I posted a new picture above my original 'Red' picture on here, because I see a bit of a change in my face. I am seeing a shape form... a nice shape... replacing that beach ball shape. How fabulous! Please know this is my face I'm referring to... my body will take a bit to catch up!

I know, I know... it's only 16lbs (I refuse to round down to 15). I would like to lose a much larger amount, and need to, as I long to fit into some of my most beautiful, Kelly-ish clothing again. I'm just taking it a day at a time... no promises to blog on this tomorrow.... or ever again... but tonight it's on my mind, so I'm putting it out there! Sooner or later, I'll have much less to 'put out there'. You just wait & see!

Later on...