Tactical... When to Shoot, When to Smile & When to Shut Up... a user's guide to being less-evil

Thank You.

That is my baby's favorite word right now. Give him a piece of paper to color on. Thank You. Change his poopy butt. Thank You. Give him a kiss before bed. Thank You Mom. He'll even yell to me, I'll look over and he'll just say Thank You. It's amazingly adorable, and it makes me feel really, really good.

It doesn't make me happy just because it is so freakin' cute! It amuses me knowing that we, as his parents, have taught him that saying Thank You is not only the right thing to do... it often receives a reaction.

Manners. My 4 1/2 year old twins are lacking compared to Logan. Logan is just a thanker. I truly hope he knows what Thank You means, and he doesn't just love me ogling over him when he says it. Just now... "Mom... marker"... I give him the marker... "Thank You".... and although he will most-likely miss the paper and draw on our graffiti-inspired table, or possibly even the living room carpet (also creatively decorated), he can get away with a lot more... all because of manners.

That brings me to our Walmart greeters. I'm not going to stereotype by saying they are all evil, but let's face the facts, some of them... many of them... are. My husband has befriended a Meijer greeter. Meijer must require smiles during interviews, and they must make sure that the people applying are physically able to pull a single cart out of the herd of carts they are in charge of.

Greeters have several jobs... I realize this... they must un-herd carts (optional), smile (very optional with the likelihood of a smirk or a twitch being 28%), pretend like they care (only if they have time during their shift) and put little stickers of returned merchandise. Sticker-time is the perfect time to feel them out... not feel them up... unless they are hot... and see if they are even capable of engaging in conversation.

One of the pet peeves (near the top) of my increasingly long list of annoyances is people who are paid to greet. I can't tell you how many times I've greeter a Walmart greeter and they haven't greeted back. It pisses me off.

Side Note: Just now Logan asked for water. I gave it to him. Thank You.

So many people need employment right now. I realize Walmart greeters probably make minimum wage, if not only free fountain drinks and pretzel rods. This is no excuse. When you are hired in to greet, you should greet. And management should enforce a niceness policy. The problem is... often management is even pissier than the pissy greeters. Jerk faces!

I'm not only picking on Walmart employees. I also don't appreciate it when we walk into a nice restaurant and the bulimic bleach-blonde, tanned-to-the-hilt 'greeter' gives us the once over, and without speaking, leads us to a table, only to say in a whiny, bitchy voice, "your server will be right with you" ... my response? "I hope he/she is nicer than you... it's a good thing you don't get the tips, cause you'd be one broke bitc.... oh, never mind"...

I grew up on niceness. Mom was always very polite... too polite at times. She admits that now. She finally got sick of people walking all over her. Mom is very assertive today. She is a manager, as am I, and we are both likeably assertive. I've also learned not to let people walk on me, and I love the fact that it's okay to be firm and still be fun! Firmly fun. Hehe!

My whole point is... there is no point in being pissy with the world. Bad days happen. People suck on certain days and then they get better. Bad things happen... mostly to good people. A day of evilness now & then is allowed... but every freakin' day? Seriously! How do you make that okay in your mind? How do you wake up and say "I'm hateful. I will be evil and pissy with as many people as possible today"... that is what we call the reverse of affirmations... assirmations. Say these things in your mirror every morning, and they will make people think you are a complete ass. Feel free to print the following if you need added asspiration... inspiration for mean people:

1) I suck. My life sucks. My job sucks. If I am mean to people, maybe I can make them suck, too!

2) YAY ME! I woke up bitchy for the 120th day in a row! I think I'll shave my legs and cut myself on purpose so I can bitch about it all day.

3) Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms.

4) If life were a porno, I'd be the 'go get me a bagel' boy, sent to run errands during every good scene.

5) Bad hair day, my boobs are sagging, I have missing teeth, the teeth I do have are green with fungus. I should go to my greeter job with a scowl on my face and my pistol carefully concealed... and pray I get to use it.

These are only a few of my favorite assirmations. Please email me for more information on learning to be an ass.

In all seriousness, I pride myself on being nice. Yes, there are days when I don't want to smile. I have even been known to yell at people for making me laugh or smile, after promising myself I wouldn't. Some days just suck. All days don't.

People don't deserve what you mean people put them through. The ultimate evil? Talking about someone behind their back and then being polite to their face. Ooooh, you have your own set of assirmations.... you are the ultimate evil.

The good news is, if you are an ass, an evil greeter or just a loather of everyone, including yourself, there is hope. Follow these simple steps and you cannot go wrong:

1) I am a hateful person. I am paid to greet people. If I don't be kind, I'll get fired and stomped upon. (Scare tactic... use regularly for consistent friendliness)

2) I suck. People know that. So if I even smile a little bit, people will wonder what in the hell is wrong with me and talk to me. (The glass is half full tactic. In all honesty, people may be scared half to death if you smile, and run far, far away)

3) People love me. They really, really love me. (The lie tactic... people really don't love you, but it's healthy for you to be delusional)

4) Although I have bad hair, sagging boobs, "summer" teeth and green fungus teeth, there is someone out there for everyone. (The wishful thinking tactic... you are wrong, but bonus! You went from self-loathing to self-loving. Enjoy that, cause that's the only lovin' you're gonna get!)

5) I might never be liked, but at least I'll try. (The Feel-Sorry-For-Yourself Tactic... people still won't like you, but at least you gave it a shot little buddy)

I hope these tricks, tactics, truths and assirmations have helped you in some way. I hope that if you are paid to be nice to people, you will try that. It's a shame that the nice folks have to sit at home and job hunt like an Amish man who hasn't eaten in a week.

Out with the hateful 'greeters' and in with the new.

It was a pleasure serving you today... visit us again soon. (The I don't really mean it but they pay me to say it so I will tactic)

Quietly Confident

I have a pet peeve. I can't stand it when people talk about how they have the most beautiful face in the world, the cutest hair, the prettiest smile they've ever seen or the cutest toenails. I'm all about affirmations, but I'm more about common courtesy. When you say you have guys falling at your feet, and you look so damn hot, you are... quite honestly... losing respect every time you open your mouth.

I'm not one to complain about these things normally, but enough is enough. I've seen it more and more lately. To me, the most attractive people in the world are those who are quietly confident. They walk with their heads held high, radiate a fabulously beautiful glow and make you want to be part of THAT confident crowd... not the crowd that talks about how their ass looks so hot in their new jeans or their new thong is so sweet and adorable. UGH! Most of us quietly confident folks DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!

I am NOT a quiet person, but I am quite confident.

That brings me to one of my favorite quotes, written by... me!

Quote: Have you ever noticed that the most attractive people can open their mouths & ruin the whole damn thing?

There is a lot to be said for quiet confidence. You will NEVER hear me say how hot my girls look in a bikini top (though it is my dream to be toned enough to wear one!). I'm not judging the people who do build themselves up. I'm just telling ya sometimes your build up feels like a put-down to others.

Suck it in, stick em out, bat those eyes and sigh... I know... You Are It! Ugh!

Puffy Clouds and My Love of Stuff

Quote of the Day:

There must be more to life than having everything! Because where would you put it all!

I like stuff. Lots & lots of stuff. I don't like to have clutter. I like everything to be neatly put away - or at least thrown into closets and rooms not viewable by others.

When I buy new uniforms, I wash them all so I can see my dozens of pretty scrub outfits hanging in a row. I have several pairs of shoes to match them as well. I'm a 'stuff' person. I love jewelry and books, my computer and gifts.

I don't particularly want to be this into stuff. I just am.

I do appreciate the free pleasures in life, too. Family, friends, the beach, etc. I don't let my love for my favorite stuff overshadow my love for natural and beautiful non-stuff.

I realize that when I die I can't take stuff. I do like to believe that God makes Heaven our own, and I may have a big screen TV with endless new episodes of Rescue Me, while Denis Leary and I sit together on our puffy cloud and watch each and every episode while eating Chinese food and 7-layer cake, all the while not gaining an ounce of weight, because food in Heaven has absolutely no calories, and people that get through those beautiful gates are granted pecks and guns as they cross the magnificent threshold.

My whole point in this babble of a blog is to tell you that while stuff is often the source of my amusement and happy-go-luckiness, it is not the source of my contentedness and happiness.

Stuff just can't do that.

We're All Nuts! Even You!

I often wonder why people do the things they do. I try not to judge... I would be judged infinitely if individuals were judged on the things we do, think and say.

I was at my wonderful Activity Director conference a couple of months ago, and one of the speakers was fabulous! Her name was Kat. Kat spoke about not judging patients at work, and people in general (the conference was for nursing home activity directors... that's me!).

Kat mentioned that she enjoys pajamas from LL Bean, because they look so cute on the models in the catalogs. When she received her own jammies, she put them on, looked in the mirror and decided they did indeed look cute (she's adorable by the way!)... However, after crawling into bed, the pants rode up. She pulled them back down. They rode up again. Pretty soon she was standing in the middle of her bed, ripping off her pants and throwing them directly onto the floor, not taking the time to get out of bed.

Kat asked us what we would think if we walked by a patient's room to find them standing in the middle of their bed, tearing off their pants in a fit of rage. What would you think? Before her speech, I would've thought the patient was insane. During her speech, I realized that she was brilliant!

Kat's speech made me realize how quick we are to categorize people. It's really amazing how things just click. What she was saying was so blatently obvious! I guess this way of thinking is where the saying 'don't judge a book by it's cover' came from. So smart! We people can just be so damn dumb (no offense)!

This brings me to today's story. Mom & I took Abbi out shopping again. Mom & Dad leave on vacation next weekend, and this was our last opportunity to get together. Plus I have been cooped up in the house for a few days, and I was ready to get the hell out!

We had a less-than-lovely dining experience at Max & Erma's. Abbi kept saying her belly hurt (this is drama... not real belly aches) and decided to curl up in a ball and lay down on her chair, while singing loudly for all to hear. As usual, I found the whole situation amusing. Who cares if people think my daughter has issues? She does! She gets them from her mother! So proud... so so proud!

So after our bizarre lunch, we went to Target! I love Target! The shopping experience was fine. Abbi was a bit crotchety, but we dealt. She found a darling purple purse she just HAD to have, so that brightened her spirits a tad. After our shopping excursion, we went to pay. The guy at the register was quite friendly. It was nice! And so unusual! I just don't get pissed at dim-witted cashiers or brainless waiters anymore. It's just the norm. It used to piss me off that I would say hello to the greeters at Walmart and they wouldn't respond! HELLO?!?! Should you be paying me?! You are PAID to GREET! GREET ME! Okay, maybe they irk me a little, but it's just not worth the effort... they aren't going to become nice just because we smile at them. It pisses them off actually... that's part of the reason I say hello! The bigger you smile, the deeper the frown. It's comical.

After we did a little more shopping, we went to Coldstone Creamery. If you have never been, go! It's exceptionally lickable! I've indulged on 3 occasions now, and I have decided it's the best ice cream I've ever had. YUM!

We waited a long time in line. Abbi tried to strike up a conversation with a little boy her age, and his sister, who was probably around 7 or 8. They weren't having it! How rude! I understand not talking to strangers, but Abbi is 4! She didn't know how to take their indifference to her, or their dirty looks. I didn't know how to take them either! Is this how other kids are going to treat the twins when they start preschool this fall? How bad will it be once Logan (2) starts school? I get a little panicky when I think about people being hateful with my kids, and when I actually catch a glimpse of it, boy does it piss me off!

While we were waiting in the very long line (it's worth it people!), Mom & I noticed that the 2 guys working were in slow motion. I have never seen 2 guys make ice cream with their mouths hanging open, stoned out of their minds. These guys were stoned... stoned beyond stoned. WOW! Again, I found this terribly amusing. When Mom placed our order with one of the high guys, he literally stood there for a long while staring at the toppings. Then when he reached for the brownies, it was very much in slo-mo. Mom & I were looking at eachother, while Abbi looked anxiously at the mean kids. I was trying not to laugh, and then I realized high guy wouldn't care. He'd probably laugh with me. Mom had ordered our lickable ice cream in waffle bowls (heaven... I'm tellin' ya!) and 2 hours later (only a slight exaggeration) when high guy was finally done mixing our concoctions, he placed the first one in a regular bowl. Mom politely asked if we could have the other one in a waffle bowl. He asked if she wanted him to put the first one in a waffle bowl. LOL. So, he proceeds to scoop the second concoction into a regular bowl. Mom corrected him. I cracked up... out loud... I laughed at him... with him! As I predicted, he started laughing, too. He was so obviously stoned. It was so unprofessional and so hilarious at the same time. The poor kid needs help... or maybe not... he didn't have a single care in the world. People lined up around the block? Oh, well! He'd get to em when he got to em.

I do wonder why people go to work stoned. I wonder why little kids are so mean to other little kids. I wonder why children like to push other children they don't even know down the slide at the playground, and why the parents don't yell at them. I'm not judging... honestly, I'm not. I just wonder... why, oh, why do people do the crazy things they do?

Scooters and Selfishness

Read ahead for the okay to be a selfish person...

Well, Joel has the kids outside. They have been anxiously awaiting scooter-time all day! Grammy & Papa got them the cutest scooters for Easter. Logan's is a Radio Flyer, Aiden's is Spiderman & Abbi's is Disney Princesses... imagine that!

I love this, because I can watch them out the window, and see their happiness from a distance, but I'm also free to indulge in some Kelly time! It's priceless.

I was talking to someone the other day (they shall remain nameless), and this person mentioned how women can be so self-centered... spoiling themselves with extracurriculars, such as pedicures, nights out with the girls, massages, shopping after work, etc. I kept sitting there thinking, 'that is how I keep myself sane'... but I didn't say it. I just said that we all need some pampering time... some time for us.

The economy being the way it is has put a halt to some of those extracurriculars, but I still think it is so important for we, as women, to find time for ourselves, and to truly enjoy it. I'm not saying that the time we spend with our kids is not truly enjoyable... it is... but the small things we do for ourselves are the primary reasons we have happiness to share... with our kids, our spouses, our friends, etc.

Here is a list of some of the things I do for myself. Selfish or not, I truly believe they make me a more enjoyable person to be around!

1) I have my nails done every 3-4 weeks and my toes done on occasion.

2) I read... a lot. I love to read in bed with a mound of pillows and big, fluffy blankets!

3) I listen to music... a lot! I burn CD's and have music for any kind of mood. Music is one of my outlets.

4) I write. Since starting my book, and my blog, I find it to be amazingly therapeutic and fun! And the fact that people are actually interested enough to read it is a major ego boost! (so don't stop reading, k?) :)

5) I collect Betty Boop and Hello Kitty goodies. Thanks to my friend Anne, my entire desk area at work is decorated with a Betty Boop theme. It makes me happy to walk in to the activity room each day I have to work!

6) I sing. I have a karaoke page on MySpace and it is the primary reason I leave my account open. I absolutely love to sing!

7) I Facebook. It's a great way to keep in contact (or to get back into contact) with friends from school. It's also a fabulous gossip chain, whether subscribers like to admit it or not. :)

8) I enjoy a girls' night out every now & again. Drinks are optional, because we normally act & feel drunk whether we actually are or not.

9) I go on dates with my husband. Just because you get married, you don't have to stop dating ladies!

10) I take a bath when I'm extremely stressed out. A book... candles... the ultimate luxury.

I don't feel guilty (unless money is tight) and I enjoy all of these things so much, I have no desire to give them up. It may make me a little selfish, but I think we should all give ourselves the go-ahead to indulge a bit, and to let ourselves be a little self-centered now and then. Being selfless is a wonderful trait, but what's wrong with being selfless and selfish? Nothing!

Selflessness

Well, my feelings from yesterday have carried over into today. I'm okay with it. It has been so very long since I have allowed myself to feel sadness and remorse, and I'm not sure that I have ever been capable of allowing myself to drown in such a melting pot of emotions. The kids notice my tears every now and then, and wonder why I'm 'dripping.' It's impossible to explain to such complex feelings in simple words. I gaze at their concerned faces and smile through my sadness. They think I'm perfect.

I remember when I was very young, and even into my early teenage years, thinking that my mother was faultless. Although I occasionally questioned her reasoning, I took every bit of advice she offered to heart. I didn't always follow it. I was quite rebellious, and still enjoy paving my own way. I've learned from many mistakes. But most of the mistakes I have made have given me pleasure, even if just for a moment in time.

I wonder now if Mom smiled through her tears... especially knowing that her children thought she could do no wrong. I wonder if she ever had doubts and had to make decisions that could greatly affect the rest of her life. I wonder if, through her selflessness, she ever just wanted to throw in the towel and be selfish.... to do something mind-blowingly beautiful for herself.

I wonder...