One day, when I leave this world, I would like to be remembered for my great attitude and high-energy; not my crabiness and drama.
One day, when I leave this place, I would like to be thought of when someone hears "Legs" or "Shiny Happy People", not "Crazy Bitch" (well, maybe), or "Promiscuous Girl".
When I die, I'd like to be remembered as the girl who wrote funny stories and made a difference; not the girl who hurt people purposely and believed she was beyond beautiful, and all men wanted her.
When I leave this Earth, I want the people I loved to brag about how I spoiled them... how I loved them... and how I thought of them before even considering myself. I want to be remembered as the girl who loved to love.
Recent Months in Pictures... and then a story to lift your spirits, and your attitude :)
My babies Easter 2010 (Thanks to Jennifer Tackett of www.photoreflect.com. Jennifer and her beau do BEAUTIFUL work!)
My sweetheart Dan & I, March 2010 Memphis, TN
Our Sasha (who I have to post an old picture of, because as of late, she's just a bitch:)
Dan's Kitty, Prowler One of the most affectionate cats I've ever had the pleasure of knowing... and loving (just don't tell Dan;).
My new do. Just because there always has to be a self-centered picture of me on my blog entries :P
This is what my desk looks like on a frazzled day :)
At work we host an activity we call "Remember When..." It's a group of folks who are alert & oriented, and some not-so-much, reminiscing about their childhood, school days, pets who have warmed and broken their hearts, the love of their lives, and so on... I love this activity because, although a resident may not know today's date or what he ate for breakfast that morning, he remembers "Esther", stares into the air lovingly and daydreams about their days together, rattling off nicknames and memories... walks they took together, places they dined, picnics they went on, music they danced to... and on and on...
I found myself thinking today, not only of the memories we create every single day, but also how the rush of every day life can so simply smoothie itself into a blender of chaos... all of the potential memories can so easily be lost among bills, chores, events we just couldn't say no to (even though we desperately wanted to) and burying ourselves in our work, whether it be at home or in an office.
I wonder if when our generation is in our 70s and 80s, will we "Remember When..."? Will we be able to see the face of the person we deeply loved, with closed eyes, and remember the sweet memories we created (or should have created) together? Will we be able to remember our girls' nights out, or what an impact our children, pets, friends and coworkers had on our lives. Will we have had an impact on theirs?
It's a sad truth that so many people enter work before dawn and leave long after the sun has said goodnight... that people dream of being someone they're not, spend their whole life living up to a standard they will never reach, when all the while, they could have been molding themselves into an amazing individual... someone who would be remembered for their uniqueness... someone who made a mark in history... even if it was just on the heart of one person.... someone who made beautiful memories.
I've learned in recent months to enjoy the small things, and I'm learning not to worry so much about the craziness of life which simply can't be controlled. I have learned to hold my babies, Dan and the kitties tight, take the time to snuggle and listen, enjoy the present, and know that we are all making beautiful memories to share in the future. I want to remember my life as it is... because it's a damn good life.
2009 has truly been an amazing year for me. It has been a very pivotal year, an overwhelmingly honest year and, while I realize I will continue to grow and to learn, this is the year that I came into myself... the year I realized who I am, who I want to be and who I want to spend my days with. This will be a year I reflect on for the rest of my life.
My best friend told me not so long ago that more than 3 life changes within a year is too much for any given person. Luckily, because I refuse to believe in statistics (they're always flawed) and enjoy taking my own happy-go-lucky path, I am moving along quite nicely through the life changes that are just continuing to rack up.
1) We nearly lost her. Anne and I have been friends for many years. She and her boyfriend are family to me. As I mentioned in a few prior posts this year, we nearly lost her to a horrid infection. Then, because of both of us being extremely stubborn, we nearly lost each other again. Thankfully we found our way back to our forever-friendship, and now have a new appreciation for one another. I'm thankful for her.
2) The move. We purchased a house on land contract. I fell in love with it. I fell in love with the sun room, the bedroom, the kitchen, the dining room, the big yard, the nice neighborhood... I fell in love with the entirety of my new home. I don't even mind the psychotic man across the street who enjoys calling the police when someone pokes a yard sale sign in his beloved tree.
3) No more Twinfants and Twoddlers. While many people see their kids starting school as just the step following toddlerhood, it was something I have feared and anticipated since they were born. My twins started school this year. It was traumatizing and wonderful for me. My babies are getting old, which means I'm getting old (I also turned 30 this year, but I'm not highlighting that, so forget about it :P). On the rare occasion I get to pick them up from school, they run out to me, full of pure joy, and scream for me! I have to catch my breath when I see how much these little people love me so unconditionally. I've never had that. I now do.
4) The signing. Joel and I signed our divorce papers on November 7th, our 11th wedding anniversary. There is much speculation of why, how, what, when, where, etc, and the God's honest truth is, we were just friends living together. He remains one of my best friends. We both just deserved a chance at finding true love. We were not that for one another.
5) Operation: Reject Kelly. My family no longer speaks to me or my children. I'm simply happy. I'm functional. I'm getting along just peachily (yep, totally made up that word) without the ins and outs of a family whose only respect comes from decisions that are made which match their own very strict and stern beliefs. I'm a better woman having gone through this. And I'm taking a wonderful new path with my children... a path much different than I was accustomed to. This changed my life for the better.
6) Be An Original. I realize that starting a blog isn't life-changing for most, but reading back, I realize how cathartic it has been for me this year. While my entire life is not an open book, I have let the world (or at least my 40 followers :) in on the important bits and pieces which are appropriate for the human eye ;) I'm quite proud that I am following through with this. I look forward to blogging. I love writing. Love it. It's my dream, and damn-it, this is a start :)
7) The One. I fell in love. Absolutely, totally and completely fell in love. Very few people understand it. No one understands it the way we do, but we do, and that's all that matters. I have found everything I wanted and never knew existed. I have found him, and I cherish him.
*7* is a lucky number for many folks (trust me, I was in Vegas 2 very long months ago). I suppose these 7 events, which I consider to all be life-changing, were stepping stones toward meeting myself, the real me. I've found her. I actually quite like her. She's genuine, caring, loyal, loving, adaptable & very capable of loving with her whole heart.
I have truly broken a cycle this year. I can't say I grew a pair (I have the wrong organs for that ;), but I most-certainly grew a backbone, learned to love myself and found what I truly needed and wanted for the rest of my days on this earth... My babies, my friends, my soulmate and myself. I just needed to find myself in order to appreciate the rest.
So if you check my blog often and eagerly only to be disappointed because I'm a total slacker, you may be surprised that I am actually blogging twice in a week! This is a rare occurrence as of late.
While I could easily blame my lack of blogging on busyness, I won't. I tend to make time for most things I need to or want to do, if they hold any interest to me. Honestly, my heart has been so rollercoaster-y lately, I haven't had the umph, pizazz or normal bullshit attitude to blog properly. And I refuse to post a non-proper entry. Proper to me is cursing, plotting, making fun of folks and turning generally boring objects into fun, sexy, beautiful and rancid joyballs (those small things that make us oh, so happy)... for a spot on example, check out my post "Heda Lettuce"... It's a riveting illustration of stupid humor at its finest.
If you take life too seriously, and don't care for hardcore situations being made into light and fluffy, mushy, soupy stuff, you should stop reading now. This will save me from receiving hateful comments (although they are always welcomed and appreciated), and will save you from having the blood boiling throughout your body, putting you in the hospital with some explosive blood disease... and don't try suing me! Do you know how f'ing easy it is to delete a blog? I know from experience, because I deleted my weight-loss blog, which I only had intentions of keeping for one inspired day. Yeah, try to sue me, and I'll prove this post never existed :P *evil cackles*
I warned you! This is your last chance NOT to read on.
The controversial topic I will be talking about today, my dear readers, is divorce. You see, my husband of 11 years (we've been together for 15) and I have decided to go our separate ways. Actually, we are agreeing upon almost everything (I want those damn red gym pants back, Joel!), which is making the process much easier, because we are going with a dissolution. And thanks to Joel being of the law enforcement variety, we even got a discount on that! So, while getting married is much cheaper than divorcing (in the most literal terms), both can bring just as much peace and harmony to one's life. Joel and I are a perfect example of that.
Although the decision to divorce was primarily mine, Joel and I both agreed that we would both be happier going our separate ways. Because of the divorce, and me being the named "bad guy" in the situation (which by the way, marriages don't end because only one of the people in it sucks... it can be rather a mutual fuck-up)... my parents divorced me.
That's right. I now no longer have a husband (though we remain friends most of the time), I also don't have a family. The entire family disowned me and the babies. Not only am I ruining my kids lives you see, I'm also going to burn in hell once my Earth life is over, due to leaving a friendly companionship of a marriage. I would like to check and see if living a lie to keep a family together works out peacefully and wonderfully in the end, but I have decided not to stick it out to try it. I'll leave that to them.
I believe that our time on this planet should be happy. I believe that if you are knowingly staying in an unhappy, discontented situation, you are doing yourself an incredible disservice.
My babies will learn from me that it's okay to take your own path... even if it's at the disgust of others. And it's okay to make decisions that others don't agree with. That's life. We can't please everyone.
I have learned that I am an extremely strong person. I didn't take a chance when I made my decision. I KNEW it was the right decision for myself and the kids, and Joel too. While things are difficult right now in many ways, I'm truly feeling happiness. I am exhausted and getting used to being a single mother of 3, but I'm content with my new life. People see it. Friends at work have noticed. My oldest, closest friends see it. My kids see it.
If I were to do it all over again, would I disappoint them? Yes! I've been doing it my entire life. There is no winning them over. I've tried to gain their love and respect for years upon years. Unconditional love is apparently optional in this situation. My parents have been on 2 year+ long hiatuses from me before this... it's not a new feeling. But it didn't become bearable until I realized I can make my life what I want it to be! With or without the help of my fair-weather family.
Will I ever divorce my children? No! I've lived it and learned from it, and I know that taking hiatuses from my children is not ever going to be an option. They are my beautiful and wonderful, and we created them. No way will I ever let them go! My love for them... it is truly unconditional.
I have had an outpouring of support from my wonderful friends! I'd try to list them all, but then I'd forget people, and that would piss them off... and then I would have to keep editing this damn post, and as mentioned above, I am a blog slacker recently. I must not be bothered by editing. I'm proud enough when I get it typed once.
I do thank my friends for believing in me! For seeing the reality of the situation, and for not judging me. Very few people have given me negative feedback about this decision. My family just happens to be part of that little group. Even my Christian friends have had my back, and I thank you guys for that! You truly rock!
Today for Thanksgiving, I received two generous invitations to dinners. I also worked this morning voluntarily. I did decide to stay home after work and relax my day away. I knew the kids would be happy and giddy to be having Thanksgiving dinner at Mama and Papa's (Joel's parents). And I was quite content knowing that they would be coming home to me this evening. I do hope my old family had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.
I will never regret shooting for the stars. I will never be sorry that I chose to make all 5 of us happy (some sooner than others) and I will ALWAYS remember those of you who have been here for me, and I'm letting go of those of you who have not.
Friends TRULY ARE the family we choose. I'm thankful for you.
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