Dragging Cats & Missing Appendages

I hate driving. I truly do. I take that back... I like driving to and from work only. I love listening to my music at illegal volumes, singing even louder & tuning out everything that is evil... including my cell phone.

I'm also not much of a phone person. I have a select few people I enjoy talking to on the phone. Other than that, I screen. I don't mean to be a screener... I know it's quite rude, but know in advance... if you call me, there is a good chance I'll look at my caller ID and put my phone down, emptily promising myself to call you later.

Now if you text me, I'll most-likely answer. I wish all of the calls I get at work could just arrive in text form. For such a social person, I sure do enjoy technology! I'd rather see your face when we talk to me... or just not talk at all. It's not you, it's me. And it has nothing to do with how much I like you, or how interesting you come across on the phone... well, actually it has everything to do with that, but I wouldn't want to hurt any feelings here.

Back to driving... I have hit several mailboxes in my day. Luckily they weren't too badly injured, and I drive pretty much the same, even though I no longer have a passenger side mirror, due to my love for touching mailboxes with my rear views. I truly don't miss it. For a while, I left it hanging there, cracked & broken, whipping in the wind. One day I was guilt-stricken. I felt like an evil cat hitter dragging the cat at high speeds down a busy highway, while people called 911 to report mirror/cat abuse. I couldn't afford jail time and my conscious couldn't take it, so now I'm just completely mirrorless on that side. It's sort of like having one ear, one breast or one eye... you have to work a little harder to do every day things (such as cut people off) but in the long run, we become stronger people because of it.

You see, in the rearview mirror of life, you may see things differently than you would if they were in front of you. For instance, if a mailbox hit me, I may think twice about driving too closely to the right side of the road. If I called God and he checked his caller ID only to promise to call me later, I may be more apt to answer my phone. My running into mailboxes has taught me a lot. I will now be writing a book... "Everything I've Learned in This Life I've Learned from Hitting Mailboxes"...

It's the smallest events in life which teach us the biggest lessons.

-Kelly ;)

Kissin' the Curb

I really don't remember ever blogging when I'm pissed off. I thought this could bring a new perspective to my oh-so-sweet image! HA! As I've mentioned in previous posts, I smile sweetly at people, say hello to everyone who crosses my angelic path, and think only good of others. Tonight this is not the case. I'm just irked. Mad, pissed, angry, evil... whatever ya wanna call it. I'm just AHHH! It's definitely NOT the night to mess with the Kelly. I may scream in your face or start laughing uncontrollably. You just never know when circumstances like these arise.

I'll start at the beginning...

I was visiting my best friend Sunday night. I took a trip down to the gas station to grab some Subway. We've both agreed in the past that deli meat sandwiches are not at all fun, nor a treat, but it was that or Taco Bell. The choice made itself.

So anyway, I get to the gas station & I'm feeling a bit woozy. This isn't too different from my usual state, so I don't think a lot of it. I stepped out of my car and immediately twisted my ankle. I then fell over a curb, fell onto my knees and then onto my nose. I had my glasses on, so the middle section decided to cut into my face. It was fabulous. And to top it all off, I then fell onto my forehead. Priceless!

To rewind this scene, I'm sure I would laugh hysterically, along with the rest of my friends & acquaintances, who all assume I had been drinking when this incident occurred. Just so you are all aware, I was not inebriated. I was, however, drinking grape sugar-free Kool-Aid, which I hear causes green bowl movements. How interesting! I'll get back to ya on that one!

So after falling in slow motion, I then sat on the pavement, unable to get up. A guy walked out of the gas station, looked at me, didn't say a word and got into his car. I smiled at him. How nice that he stopped to make sure I was okay. Asshole!

Then a lady ran to me and asked if I needed some napkins. I felt my face, and when I looked at my hand, I freaked out just a little more. I was bleeding! A lot! Sure lady... bring me some napkins. I stared at her blankly. What I thought had come out of my mouth hadn't. But she went to get my napkins anyway.

When she got back, she asked if I needed help up. I explained to her that getting up at that point wasn't gonna happen. I think she thought I was crazy. She was right :0) Hehe.. okay, so a little smile just emerged from my irritability. Dam it.

So, after I was holding some napkins, I put the contents of my purse back together, grabbed my evil glasses (I will soon be a full-time contact wearing diva) and stood up. Oh woozies.. it woulda felt good if it didn't feel oh, so bad!

I got in my car. A man ran up to me and asked me if I was okay to drive. "Probably not, but I'm gonna" I said. I then drove back to the nursing home. I called my mom, who works there, to ask her if there was any way to get to my friend's room without walking by the nurses station. No such luck. I had an older resident compliment my purse (thanks, by the way, lady!) on my way to my friend's room. Of course, there were several people sitting at the nurses station, and although I was trying to cover my oozing face, they noticed. LOL. Damn giggles.

Nurse Jennifer took care of me. She asked me if I knew my name, where I was and what day it was. I felt so proud! I knew them all! I was secretly hoping for a sticker, but once again, no such luck.

So, to make a longer story a bit shorter, I went back to my friend's room, my husband & kids picked me up (I wasn't sure if I should drive, because although I wasn't drunk, I'm pretty darn sure I couldn't pass any cop tests.. you know, walk & turn, HGN, etc. I'm not even sure I could do those things on my best non-drunk day), and we came home. My mother, husband and best friend informed me I should go to the hospital. I refused. That's right. I refused treatment.

So I've had a killer headache for 2 days now. I know I should've went to the hospital, but it was Sunday night, and the thought of sitting at the Marion General ER just didn't sit well with me. I'd take my chances. If I went to the hospital, I'm sure they would've just told me I was dehydrated or I had an upper respiratory infection, and sent me on my way... I said a nice prayer just in case I didn't make it through the night. (Stifling more giggles as we speak.)

Well, I made it.. and still today (Tuesday) I have had a terrible headache all day. So I went to the doctor today, and they informed me they want to scan my cat. How fun! I've never had a cat scan before. I figure it's a couple minutes of quiet, right?! Who cares about the claustrophobia. I get peace! Bring on the machines!

Tonight when I got home, I explained to my babies that I needed quiet time. Mommy's head was pounding. Daddy had been up over 24 hours, and neither one of us had much energy. The kids decided to scream at me louder than usual (or maybe it just felt that way since I feel like my head is full of lead pipes) and Joel decided to play Rock Band. I tried to catch up on my Young & the Restless in the bedroom, but do you think that worked? Heck no! The kids follow me everywhere. I know I sound like a fantastic Mom right now. I love my kids dearly, and I don't know what I'd do without them (okay, so I do... I'd vacation... for a long, long time), but sheesh! Give me a break!

Well, Abbi now has to poop, Aiden is throwing an economy-size package of baby wipes around the living room and Logan is jumping on Aiden. I have to go. Please pray for me... and forgive my cursing. It's a bad habit... but I enjoy it.

Kisses to all. Hope you all are just swell.

Kelly ;)

The Come Back...

I have been so incredibly goofy this week. I can't focus. I'm taking these fancy vitamins, and I think that has something to do with it. I'm also watching my calories, drinking lots and lots of water and exercising. The difference in my mood, energy and the almost instant lack of bloat has been fabulous! The lack of focus is a bit disturbing, but I can live with that. I'm a ball of energy from sun-up to sun-down and beyond!

I'm not drinking energy drinks and taking caffeine tablets or anything... I'm just eating right and taking vitamins... and the exercise... oh the exercise. My calves are still quite sore from my last fast-paced walk. I'm walking with a friend, which helps. Although we enjoy taking breaks, laying in the grass, and we often text while walking. It's good to have large open areas if you are a text-walker. Trees can be dangerous, and holes in the ground can cause a twist of the ankle knobs. But we do it anyway!

I've lost 6.4lbs in the past 2 weeks... and a total of 12... it makes me feel good. I want to lose quite a bit more, but I feel like I am becoming the healthy chick I want to be. If I get a hot bod in the process, I'll enjoy shopping much, much more!

Pure craziness is the most fun side-effect from my weight-loss and new found energy! I talk even louder than usual, sing on the intercom at work (wait, I did that before!), try to steal glasses of Diet Coke from the Chinese restaurant and scream at innocent bystanders from car windows.. even if the car belongs to somebody else. Summertime is perfect for car to car fun! In the winter, you have to be a bit more creative... like last holiday season when I threatened that I'd beat people while riding down State Route 95, holding a giant roll of wrapping paper out my window, and shaking it at more innocent people creepily.

I know a lot of people in my immediate world can't stand my happiness and pure wildness. I also know that I have a few appreciators, and that's all that really matters... plus the fact that I'm so silly most of the time, my mind can't focus, so I just assume everyone loves me. I love you all, too!

I'm thankful for the uniqueness we all possess... not so much for the bitchy, mean types, but I still love you... I just think you need to dig out that squirrel that sucks all of the happiness out through your bung hole. You would be much happier without squirrel droppings taking the place of your happy cells.

I thank you for your patience in reading this. I'm foggy, and while I enjoy the fog, you may be lost in space by now. Confusion is blissful... trust me!

You can check out my fancy vitamins here... and all kinds of other goodies!

www.advocare.com/09013719

Toxic TV

I am easily amused. I love most anything, as I've mentioned in previous posts. The mere sight of Denis Leary makes me a silly, giggling basket case.. similar to a school girl with an erotic fascination for her much older teacher.

I won't bore you with a list of the 100,507 other things that make me swoon, sing and sweat... but I will share with you that one of my favorite pastimes is watching TV. I understand that some very influential people do not have televisions in their homes. I think that's odd, but I'm not one to judge, so I just assume they either can't hear or see, they are afraid they may reenact the scenes on CSI or The Girls Next Door, or they simply enjoy meditating at home for hours, praying for their deep-seeded anger over not having a television to go far, far away.



I don't watch TV for hours on end. I have my favorite shows, I record them and enjoy watching them and fast-forwarding through the commercials. If I happen to see a commercial with Denis Leary on it, I rewind (imagine that!), but otherwise, I don't like to waste time on them. I am thankful for the invention of the DVR.

We don't deprive our kids of the evil, mind-altering cartoons either. They have actually learned a lot from the dreaded television. We do all of the other stuff, too.. we play outside, read, play games, blah blah blah... but they love their Noggin and Scooby Doo, and I'm quite alright with that. Sure, Abbi has said damn-it (which was disappointingly hilarious), but I figure when preschool starts this Fall, the twins will hear a lot worse... probably from the non-Tv-watching kids whose parents scream ass and shit and damn constantly, due to their pent up non-Tv-watching frustration. Assholes. ;)

I will now tell you about some of my favorite shows and why I love them so:

1) Rescue Me -Main reason I watch this show: Denis Leary, the occasional appearance of his cute little butt, fireman in uniform, cryptic humor, lots of cursing, lust, a hot show I can watch with my hot hubby.

2) Grey's Anatomy -Main reason i watch this show: Hot doctors, namely Mark Sloan, hospital sex, good acting, more lust... occasional love thrown in.

3) The Young & the Restless -Main reason I watch this show: Watched it since I was 4. Nick Newman is freaking hot! He & Sharon are hot together, it's always there, it never goes away. ;)... I do miss Ryan.

4) American Idol -Main reason I watch this show: The auditions are priceless, and I can't get enough of terrible singers who think they are incredibly talented, the transformation from week 1 to the finale, hot guys that can sing, a show I can watch with hubby (although he makes fun of it), Adam Lambert.

5) Desperate Housewives -Main reason I watch this show: Gabby's clothes, more cryptic humor, the fact that the last show sucked, but the next one just might be better, Marcia Cross's hair.

6) Jon & Kate Plus 8 -Main reason I watch this show: Kate is evil, I feel bad for Jon, I love that they make my life look easy, I feel blessed when I watch this insane show, the fact that we may get some gossip on Kate's evilness towards Jon, and the cheating accusations, pure craziness!

I could go on & on, but I'll close for now. For those of you who enjoy your television shows, I bow to you. For those who don't have TV's... enjoy your chair yoga (if you allow chairs in your home) and your bird watching. The rest of us use binoculars for other things.

Quote of the Day: (if you watch Grey's Anatomy, you'll understand this. If you are TV-less, you won't have any idea who this Meredith Grey person is, or what in the hell this quote means. Maybe you'll understand tomorrow's quote :)

Meredith Grey: You don't know this yet, but life isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to be this hard.

PS: For all of the people who now think I'm evil, this was posted all in good fun. No hate mail please... well, it's okay if you send hate mail... I can take it! I might report you on TV... you'll never see it! Hahahahaha!

Puffy Clouds and My Love of Stuff

Quote of the Day:

There must be more to life than having everything! Because where would you put it all!

I like stuff. Lots & lots of stuff. I don't like to have clutter. I like everything to be neatly put away - or at least thrown into closets and rooms not viewable by others.

When I buy new uniforms, I wash them all so I can see my dozens of pretty scrub outfits hanging in a row. I have several pairs of shoes to match them as well. I'm a 'stuff' person. I love jewelry and books, my computer and gifts.

I don't particularly want to be this into stuff. I just am.

I do appreciate the free pleasures in life, too. Family, friends, the beach, etc. I don't let my love for my favorite stuff overshadow my love for natural and beautiful non-stuff.

I realize that when I die I can't take stuff. I do like to believe that God makes Heaven our own, and I may have a big screen TV with endless new episodes of Rescue Me, while Denis Leary and I sit together on our puffy cloud and watch each and every episode while eating Chinese food and 7-layer cake, all the while not gaining an ounce of weight, because food in Heaven has absolutely no calories, and people that get through those beautiful gates are granted pecks and guns as they cross the magnificent threshold.

My whole point in this babble of a blog is to tell you that while stuff is often the source of my amusement and happy-go-luckiness, it is not the source of my contentedness and happiness.

Stuff just can't do that.

Quickies in a Dream State...

Sunday nights are bittersweet. I'm sitting here, deciding whether to go to bed with my ever-available Nicholas Sparks, or watch Desperate Housewives. I really don't want to go to sleep. If I do, that means the weekend is over, and it's back to my simply chaotic life. If I don't, I'll wake up tired and groggy in the morning, wishing I had opted for a quickie with Nicholas, and then turned out the light, escaping to my vividly romantic dreamland. In all honesty, I rarely remember my dreams, but I know they are vivid from the few I have remembered.

A few years ago I had a dream that Eminem took full advantage of me, just like the hot French guy who took advantage of Diane Lane, in the steamy bathroom scene in Unfaithful. Although I had never thought of Eminem as hot, he became a short-term crush, solely based on his seemingly perfect bathroom love-making skills. I told my husband about it. He found it to be hilarious. Even now, if Eminem ever comes up in conversation, which very seldom happens, I see amusement in his eyes. It's been a while since the rapper has come up, but I'm sure I'll never live it down. My crush has long subsided.

I think it's incredible how our imaginations work when we're not even aware of it. I once bought a dream journal. I had good intentions to leave it by my bedside, and after a dream, I would open the book, scribble my dream details, and then look in the back to see how I should interpret them. I didn't even think about the fact that I am so muzzy when I wake up, there is no way I would take the time to write in a damn dream journal. I'd rather sleep. Jeez! What was I thinking? It sounded like a good thing to do at the time...

I do think it would be neat to have a compilation of all the dreams I've had, whether I've remembered them at some point or not. Maybe when I get to Heaven one day, I'll ask for the DVD. Actually, that surveillance alone may send me directly to the subterranean vault. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut, and hope that God doesn't judge us on our subconscious thoughts.

Alright... I'm off to have that quickie now...

Quote of the Day: “Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.”

Toothpicks & Confidence

I don't think confidence is something that comes naturally for most women.

I noticed while I was at the gym earlier this week that many thin, beautiful girls & women are quite self-conscious. There was a girl on the treadmill in front of me who was looking around, tugging at her shirt to cover her barely-there booty, obviously about to have a panic attack, thinking someone may think or say she was fat.

On a machine beside me was a very pretty, round woman with a larger derriere, listening to her iPod, smiling and humming without a care in the world. She rocked! I stared at her for a long time. In fact, if she hadn't been in her own happy place, she may have wondered what the hell I was staring at. This woman did not care. She had no problem with her shape, and from the way she was working out, I have a strong feeling she is in excellent physical condition. The toothpick on the treadmill was walking at a snail's pace. The entire comparison was just eye-opening, and amusing.

I have never exuded self-confidence. I take that back. I was once told that I look stuck-up because I walk tall (I'm 5' 10" so I really have no choice) and look straight ahead. Since I was hit with this unsettling information, I am now always careful to smile at everyone, and normally I speak to them as well. That is, unless they are the type to interpret 'hello' as an invitation to talk for an hour about their perfect dog, and perfect kids and perfect flower garden... then I smile widely, and start walking just a little swifter.

So, okay, maybe I radiate self-assurance but it's always been a bit of a facade. I have very pale skin. I always have. I don't tan... at all... ever... luckily some guys think that's hot! :0) In all seriousness, kids find something about every other kid to pick on. Mine was obvious. And the mean things those kids said hurt me... for a long time.

Just the other day I wore a shorter skirt to work. Many of the residents commented on how nice I looked. They are all painfully pale, too. They understand. :) One of the first comments I heard from a staff member? "Girl, you need to find yourelf a tan"... other remarks included, but were not limited to, "have you ever heard of bronzer in a bottle?", "I never realized how white you are"... It was annoying at first, but then I realized it was actually amusing. Imperfect people pointing out my imperfections. Finally one of my favorite nurses said, "Well, what do they expect... your face is pale, and your arms... why would your legs be any different?" I loved her fori t.

See, I have very long legs. I actually think I have fabulous legs! Yes, I have tried the tan in a bottle, and I'm not writing it off... I may try again. But it streaks me. I know, I know.. there are lots of good braands out there... blah blah blah... the point is, when you are as ghostly as me, they are ALL gonna streak... between the fingers, on the ankle nubs... and should I go ahead & rub my ears with it so they will match my face? See? It's not so simple for a melaninless chick with daddy-longlegs! Seriously!

I realized that day at the gym how much less self-conscious I am now. I compare myself to the two chicks at the gym, and I realize I am a healthy in-between. I don't exactly hold my head up high, thinking I'm a hottie, but I don't stare nervously either, wondering if I'm the center of everyone's attention. I am not flawless. I have many imperfections. But I also have some pretty great qualities! I hear I am funny. I was just voted the most happy-go-lucky employee at work for the 2nd year running, I (as I mentioned before) have pretty damn good legs, I get the occasional boob compliment, I have good hair and I am going to have FABULOUS skin and look EXTREMELY young when I am old!

I enjoy my enhanced self-confidence. Nothing has boosted it except for time and experience. Ten years ago I would have never even noticed those two ladies at the gym, because I would have been too concerned about my own appearance. Today I can see the world, and not see only myself... just me in it.

Today's quote of the day:

“They can't hurt you unless you let them.”

Until tomorrow...

Kelly :)