Shake the Glitter Off Your Clothes (The Vegas Experience)

Oh Vegas. Vegas was a few weeks ago, and I've been quite on the fence about blogging our adventure, because a) I was a bad girl, and b) because of a, the memories, fabulous memories, are a bit of a hazy blur.

Angie, Beth, Linda and I started our vacation at (I believe it was) 6:30am on Saturday, October 24th. At that point, I was in a sleepy, splendid, excited stupor, awaiting the plane ride, and the landing in Vegas, where I would see PALM TREES! My love for these amazingly funny-looking trees is almost overwhelming... so much so that, at one point during our vixen vacation, I hugged one. I attempted to hug others, but that would have required climbing over fences and bushes, and quite honestly, I was too drunk to walk in a straight line... let alone traipse through any type of obstacle course. But the trees were lovely. If I could have afforded it, I would have uprooted one, and bought an extra plane seat, just so I could bring the fabulous f'in palm home with me. For now, I'll have to settle for pictures and fabulous video footage. One day I WILL have palm trees. ;)

So back to the beginning... the girls picked me up to go to the Columbus airport way before the sun woke up. Once we got to the airport it was EASY! I expected scary dudes saluting each other, and cavity searches. Instead, checking in our bags was extremely simple, and drinking giant margaritas for breakfast seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do. Linda was pushing the Airborne and while some of the crew tried it to make miss Cream Puff happy, I couldn't force myself to drink the stuff, so I enjoyed my margarita, and not so long after, we were on the airplane to Las Vegas.

The plane trip was fun! Linda was generous and offered me the window seat. We flew over the Grand Canyon, which I'm thankful we didn't visit more closely ;) and a very odd, friendly, compulsive-lying plane-mate bought all of us fabulous chicks a round of drinks on the plane. It was very nice of him. I learned that I really enjoy Bailey's liqueur. It would be quite simple to sneak it into a cup of lovely coffee, and no one would be the wiser. Hmmmm.....

Landing was not so fun for me. It was bumpy. I freaked out a bit, but I was so happy to be in Vegas, I didn't care if I landed with all of my limbs and digits or not. I would've been just as chipper to hobble at that point. Some of the shoe choices I made resulted in hobbles anyway.

Before leaving for our trip, we did extensive research. Our hotel seemed to be famous for it's ancient rooms, which were said to smell of farm animal farts and stale cigarette smoke. It was said that the layout of the building was like a maze... I was admittedly a bit worried, because I have absolutely no sense of direction and I'm of the legally blind category... so the thought of a maze of hallways that looked alike and elevators that would only deliver us to certain floors was disturbing.

Luckily the hotel was just fine. No, it wasn't the Bellagio, or even the Flamingo, but it was a comfy place to rest our heads. Angie and Beth even had a pet bird visit them in their room, and Linda and I got to enjoy the luxury of our feet being soaked while showering (not together of course), as our bathtub filled up with water instantaneously. I had to rush to get my stems shaved before the tub went into full-on overflow mode. I'm sure some transvestite decided to wash his/her hair and there was a giant clump of he/she hair clogging the ancient drain. I wasn't about to stick my hand down there... hair grows in so many areas.... eww...

Moving on...

Each day in Vegas is a blur. The days blend together. Although I had my cell phone glued to me at all times (talkin' to someone special ya see), I had no concept of time whatsoever. I remember which day it was by which outfit I had on. Seriously.

Khakis/Purple Shirt/Flower Flip-flops = Day 1: I believe we went to a water show and volcano show today, but I don't really remember. I don't really remember much at all from this day. I think I must have been hammered. Angie, Linda, Beth? Was I hammered? Fill me in on what we did, cause I just don't know...

Orange Dress = Day 2: Okay, orange dress day was very blur-ish and naughty quite honestly. I don't really remember what I did or said. I do now know that the reason people say "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is because people who are smashed like I was, don't remember shit. I just remember liking that dress, and twirling on the strip. Apparently I was asking my friends to take pictures of my boobs. And, being the loving friends that they are, they did! And yes, the tits were covered... kinda.Strip Twirl ;)


The Convertible Dress

Drunken Nonsense :P


More Drunken Nonsense

Black Dress = Day 3: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh black dress day! Actually, we didn't change into our little black dresses until the evening, before we went to see the Chippendales. Earlier that day we went to PF Changs, which was fabulous! We ate outside on the patio and watched the loons go by. Actually, we just talked a lot, and I believe this was the first meal I didn't drink at. I was pretty liquored-out at that point. That would soon change.At PF Changs

I drank a couple of Amaretto Sours, because I knew I couldn't face nearly naked presumably gay men without alcohol. Beth told the bouncer that it was my birthday (it wasn't, but will be soon... 30 in 10 days...... wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!). Let's just say we got front row seats, and yes, I was pulled up on-stage, and tied to a chair, wound up with a surgical mask tucked into my bra, and we'll just leave it at that... those boys are naughty!
The Bartender at Chippendales. Nice guy, but he wouldn't give me free booze. Ass!

After the Chippendales, Linda and Angie went back to their rooms to change. Beth and I promised to wait for them, and then we made a mad drunken dash to the strip. Yes, the 2 of us, alone and drunk.. and I believe we hit on some homeless men. Is that bad? Doesn't it make everything ok if alcohol is involved to the extent it was?

That night, we were invited to a lovely non-American man's hotel room. He had a red eye. He wanted to dance for us. I am sure he was quite disappointed and disturbed when Beth and I were very friendly with him but laughed uncontrollably at the thought. THAT is how people wind up on CSI. No, we did not go back to red eye's room. We did, however, sit there, hundreds of people walking by, deciding what to do next.

Yeah, he likes boys


Sneaking out to the Strip


We went for a limo ride, all four of us. We saw the Vegas sign. I'm leaving it at that. Mainly because thinking about it is similar to the clouds we seemed to be breezing through on the plane... I was in a fog.

Miscellaneous Moments: (Because I have no damn idea which damn outfit I was wearing, what day it was, what time it was or what in the hell was going on. Period)...

1) The Shoes: I wore cute black shoes. They suck. I wore them all afternoon and evening. I got to the hotel room that night and couldn't get in. Damn key card. So I sat by our hotel room door, unable to move. I was talking to someone special again. Then my phone started beeping, telling me it was going to die. I could have slept right there on that ancient hotel carpet, outside of the room. But I didn't. Even in my drunken state, CSI still flashed through my mind. Damn pervs and predators. They ruin everything!

2) Porn: There are men and women standing all along the strip handing out hooker cards. The chicks are naked or near-naked and there is a price on each card. I wonder if the girls have a bar code? Hmmm... Anyway, we were all on a mission to find male hooker cards, until one of the girls decided to ask where they were, and the little man looked at us like we were insane. Apparently they don't make happy-hooker cards in the male version. Asses! How sexist! :P Admittedly I came home with an entire deck-size stack of horny-hooker female cards and gave them to my soon-to-be-ex-husband as his souvenir. He appreciated! :D
At Dick's Last Resort

3) The Girl in Yellow Lace: On a lovely drunken Vegas day, I spotted a tall girl walking down the strip wearing a beautiful yellow lacy dress. She was lovely. She was carrying a little bouquet, and looked to be absolutely blissful. I wanted to be her. Eloping in Vegas! How romantic! Especially when she was obviously so very much in love. I want that. When I marry again one day, I want to be that blissfully happy (and the eloping bit appeals to me greatly too!)...

4) The Sickness: I woke up the last day we were in Vegas with a cough and sore throat. I felt like shit, and was wishing I had taken Cream Puff up on her Airborne offer 3 days earlier. The airplane ride back... not so fun. I sat in between two old chatty women, one with horrid halitosis. I did, at one point, go to the restroom just to see what an airplane restroom looks like, and I admit to wondering how people join the mile-high club in such an impossibly small space. It would be hot I imagine! It takes me to that bathroom scene in Unfaithful... *fans self*

So, the trip was awesome. There is TONS I'm leaving out, but this entry would go on forever and ever and ever.

I hope to go back to Vegas one day. I want to ride the $14-a-ride rollercoaster. I want to see the dueling piano players again. Next time I think I'll skip a few of the free glasses of Martini and Rossi so I remember a bit more...Champagne Breakfast

This trip was the beginning of a new start for me. And it was a fabulous kick-off! I just wish I remembered it ;)

Sweet Emotion...

It occurred to me early how much I listen to music. I've blogged about music before... it's truly a big part of my life.

I grew up listening to all types of music. Dad played the guitar and harmonica very well (and still does), and we would camp, sit around the fire and sing. "Country Roads" is one I remember, and he sang the Eagles too, though he butchered some of the lyrics beyond belief. Back then we didn't realize that, now we do. :)

I remember leaving my bedroom door open so Mom & Dad could hear me singing upstairs in my bedroom. I'd belt out just about any song. I loved it. Occasionally Dad would yell up to be "Go Kellbird" and I'd resume my singing, a little bit embarrassed and a lot louder!

I learned to appreciate music very young... one of my favorite Summer pastimes was taking my pink boombox outside with my Starship and Air Supply cassettes and swinging and singing for hours. Oh memories...

When the twins were born, the staff provided us with a wonderful lullaby CD at St. Ann's Hospital. Since that first day, the babies have had music playing while they sleep. It used to be classical, but as of late, Aiden is not amused with 'songs without words', so we've ?upgraded? to a station that plays a bit of everything.

Aiden's current song: I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Abbi's current song: Love Story by Taylor Swift (Lord help me! I'm so sick of that damn song!)

As you know from previous posts, I love Gavin DeGraw. His songs just fit my personality, and I listen to him without ever tiring of his voice. There are many artists I can't get enough of. He's on the top of that list. :)

I've been REALLY into my music lately, listening to new songs, and realizing that there is truly a song for every situation, mood and feeling. For instance, right now I am listening to the very sexy song "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5. Oooh Lala!

While tomorrow has "Manic Monday" written all over it, I refuse to have a "Bad Day" and enjoy some happy tunes to get me through the day! If my lovely assistant asks me to suffer through her country collection, I will happily oblige her, all the while wishing I could shove a nail through my skull. I'm really not a country person... I like all types of music, but I seriously don't need to hear about your sexy tractor, your old pick-up truck and your dead dog. Sure, that's real life, but I'd much rather hear about the possibilities of a beautiful ending with better music and no twang ;)

Some of my favorite lines:

"You bleed just to know you're alive" -Goo Goo Dolls "Iris"

"Let me do what I want to do, all I wanna do is make love to you" -Gavin DeGraw "Let's Get It On" (yeah, it's a remake, but I like his version better, so screw off! ;)

"You'll hear the music fill the air, I'll put a flower in your hair" -Jason Mraz "Lucky"

"I wanna get lost with you. I wanna forget where I came from" -Gavin DeGraw "Get Lost"

"Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends" -Plain White T's "I Love You"

"Steal some covers, share some skin" -Maroon 5 "Sunday Morning"

"Our friends would all make fun of us, and we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way" -Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"

"By the time that we get through, the world will never be the same" -Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"

"We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl, year after year" -Pink Floyd "Wish You Were Here"

"Discovering me discovering you" -John Mayer "Your Body is a Wonderland"

"You change your mind like a girl changes clothes" -Katy Perry "Hot & Cold"

"Stand by me. Nobody knows the way it's gonna be" -Oasis "Stand By Me"

And in true Kelly-fashion:
"My friend's got a girlfriend and he hates that bitch. He tells me every day. He says "Man I really gotta lose my chick in the worst kinda way" -The Offspring "Get a Job"

"Give it up to me. Give it up to me. Do you wanna be my angel?" -Toadies "Possum Kingdom"

More to come... I'm not done... but my brain is for the night...

Til next time,
Kell ;)

Toxic TV

I am easily amused. I love most anything, as I've mentioned in previous posts. The mere sight of Denis Leary makes me a silly, giggling basket case.. similar to a school girl with an erotic fascination for her much older teacher.

I won't bore you with a list of the 100,507 other things that make me swoon, sing and sweat... but I will share with you that one of my favorite pastimes is watching TV. I understand that some very influential people do not have televisions in their homes. I think that's odd, but I'm not one to judge, so I just assume they either can't hear or see, they are afraid they may reenact the scenes on CSI or The Girls Next Door, or they simply enjoy meditating at home for hours, praying for their deep-seeded anger over not having a television to go far, far away.



I don't watch TV for hours on end. I have my favorite shows, I record them and enjoy watching them and fast-forwarding through the commercials. If I happen to see a commercial with Denis Leary on it, I rewind (imagine that!), but otherwise, I don't like to waste time on them. I am thankful for the invention of the DVR.

We don't deprive our kids of the evil, mind-altering cartoons either. They have actually learned a lot from the dreaded television. We do all of the other stuff, too.. we play outside, read, play games, blah blah blah... but they love their Noggin and Scooby Doo, and I'm quite alright with that. Sure, Abbi has said damn-it (which was disappointingly hilarious), but I figure when preschool starts this Fall, the twins will hear a lot worse... probably from the non-Tv-watching kids whose parents scream ass and shit and damn constantly, due to their pent up non-Tv-watching frustration. Assholes. ;)

I will now tell you about some of my favorite shows and why I love them so:

1) Rescue Me -Main reason I watch this show: Denis Leary, the occasional appearance of his cute little butt, fireman in uniform, cryptic humor, lots of cursing, lust, a hot show I can watch with my hot hubby.

2) Grey's Anatomy -Main reason i watch this show: Hot doctors, namely Mark Sloan, hospital sex, good acting, more lust... occasional love thrown in.

3) The Young & the Restless -Main reason I watch this show: Watched it since I was 4. Nick Newman is freaking hot! He & Sharon are hot together, it's always there, it never goes away. ;)... I do miss Ryan.

4) American Idol -Main reason I watch this show: The auditions are priceless, and I can't get enough of terrible singers who think they are incredibly talented, the transformation from week 1 to the finale, hot guys that can sing, a show I can watch with hubby (although he makes fun of it), Adam Lambert.

5) Desperate Housewives -Main reason I watch this show: Gabby's clothes, more cryptic humor, the fact that the last show sucked, but the next one just might be better, Marcia Cross's hair.

6) Jon & Kate Plus 8 -Main reason I watch this show: Kate is evil, I feel bad for Jon, I love that they make my life look easy, I feel blessed when I watch this insane show, the fact that we may get some gossip on Kate's evilness towards Jon, and the cheating accusations, pure craziness!

I could go on & on, but I'll close for now. For those of you who enjoy your television shows, I bow to you. For those who don't have TV's... enjoy your chair yoga (if you allow chairs in your home) and your bird watching. The rest of us use binoculars for other things.

Quote of the Day: (if you watch Grey's Anatomy, you'll understand this. If you are TV-less, you won't have any idea who this Meredith Grey person is, or what in the hell this quote means. Maybe you'll understand tomorrow's quote :)

Meredith Grey: You don't know this yet, but life isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to be this hard.

PS: For all of the people who now think I'm evil, this was posted all in good fun. No hate mail please... well, it's okay if you send hate mail... I can take it! I might report you on TV... you'll never see it! Hahahahaha!

Quickies in a Dream State...

Sunday nights are bittersweet. I'm sitting here, deciding whether to go to bed with my ever-available Nicholas Sparks, or watch Desperate Housewives. I really don't want to go to sleep. If I do, that means the weekend is over, and it's back to my simply chaotic life. If I don't, I'll wake up tired and groggy in the morning, wishing I had opted for a quickie with Nicholas, and then turned out the light, escaping to my vividly romantic dreamland. In all honesty, I rarely remember my dreams, but I know they are vivid from the few I have remembered.

A few years ago I had a dream that Eminem took full advantage of me, just like the hot French guy who took advantage of Diane Lane, in the steamy bathroom scene in Unfaithful. Although I had never thought of Eminem as hot, he became a short-term crush, solely based on his seemingly perfect bathroom love-making skills. I told my husband about it. He found it to be hilarious. Even now, if Eminem ever comes up in conversation, which very seldom happens, I see amusement in his eyes. It's been a while since the rapper has come up, but I'm sure I'll never live it down. My crush has long subsided.

I think it's incredible how our imaginations work when we're not even aware of it. I once bought a dream journal. I had good intentions to leave it by my bedside, and after a dream, I would open the book, scribble my dream details, and then look in the back to see how I should interpret them. I didn't even think about the fact that I am so muzzy when I wake up, there is no way I would take the time to write in a damn dream journal. I'd rather sleep. Jeez! What was I thinking? It sounded like a good thing to do at the time...

I do think it would be neat to have a compilation of all the dreams I've had, whether I've remembered them at some point or not. Maybe when I get to Heaven one day, I'll ask for the DVD. Actually, that surveillance alone may send me directly to the subterranean vault. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut, and hope that God doesn't judge us on our subconscious thoughts.

Alright... I'm off to have that quickie now...

Quote of the Day: “Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.”