I'm Baaaack!

Hi Everyone!

I was just wondering how many of my **40** loyal followers are still around and if you would like to see more posts? I'm playing with the idea of starting a brand new blog, so whether I decide to return here or move elsewhere, I hope you'll join me.
Let me know if you're still around!

Kelly ;)

When I die...

One day, when I leave this world, I would like to be remembered for my great attitude and high-energy; not my crabiness and drama.

One day, when I leave this place, I would like to be thought of when someone hears "Legs" or "Shiny Happy People", not "Crazy Bitch" (well, maybe), or "Promiscuous Girl".

When I die, I'd like to be remembered as the girl who wrote funny stories and made a difference; not the girl who hurt people purposely and believed she was beyond beautiful, and all men wanted her.

When I leave this Earth, I want the people I loved to brag about how I spoiled them... how I loved them... and how I thought of them before even considering myself. I want to be remembered as the girl who loved to love.

And no, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon :)

-The End

A Year Since Damn-It: Happy Mother's Day!

I've been reading back through blog entries from 2009 today. I can't believe how many posts mention my children, and the crazy ass things they do! Many of the things they say and do are completely worthy of a blog... even if it's just for my own collage of memories. Some of the stories tend to amuse others, even outsiders, which makes me happy!
Here is a favorite of mine from June of last year. It walks the reader through the creative sundae-making process of 3 young children. Enjoy: http://kellysoriginals.blogspot.com/2009/06/water-coffee-creamer-baby-carrot.html

Now that Joel has a new home, and the kids spend just as much time there as they do here with Dan & I, I miss them like crazy when they are away. Let me rephrase that... the first day is like heaven... free as a bird heavenly. By day 2 I miss them like crazy. I will still never, ever understand how parents or grandparents can, by choice, spend months away from their children or grandchildren. Those kids, along with Dan and my friends, are my life.

Anyway, often after day one of having the babies back at our house, I'm usually ready to ship them back to Daddy's for a while. The feeling passes, and you may think I'm terrible for feeling that way, but the time we spend with them is precious time, and we both know that.
So, today I am reminded why I became a Mom. Two stories, two kids, one very amused me.

Story 1) Logan (3 1/2) is obsessed with bananas. He loves them. He loves to peel them, look at them, eat them... he's just a banana kid. I have no complaints... they are cheap and easy... just as I like em. Logan & I spent some quality 1:1 time together this morning while the twins were at preschool. I'm still banned from work until my eye has been drenched in antibiotics for 24 hours, and since the doctor prescribed me SULFA, which I'm crazy-allergic to, I'm back to square one. I'm not feeling too terrible at this point honestly, so being banned from work for a day isn't such a problem.
Okay, so I got off-track there... Before Logan & I left the house to pick up the twins from school, he asked if he couldn't have a banana (his second of the day). Me, being the push-over that I am, said yes. We got into the van and Logan peeled his banana, and quickly ate through 1/4 of it. While we were waiting in the parking lot, I took a picture of him happy with his nanner...

I cranked up some music so he'd have some tunes to go with his 5th snack of the day, and soon I hear, "MOM!" (in Logan-speak)... "Turn 'at down!" I looked back at him and he had the most annoyed look on his face. Once he saw I was paying attention, he got very serious and said, "Mom, this nana is igusting (that's Logan-speak). It has poop in it"... I started laughing like a hyena and watched as Logan spit out the pointy end at the bottom of his stick of fruit :P I'm not sure how many bananas will be in his immediate future. He was thoroughly "isgusted". Note to readers: Don't consume the point of a banana... it apparently has poop in it. :)

Story 2) Abbigail & Aiden ran out of school, armed with plants they had potted for me for Mother's Day, and cards with their pictures on them. I nearly started crying, but then remember that my "bad" eye would pay hell for that, so I sucked it up and gave them hugs (no eye contact involved thankyouverymuch).

As we were driving down the road, the kids and I spotted a few yard/garage sales (an everlasting weakness of mine... trash to treasure and all that jazz). I asked them if they would like to have a yard sale, because Mommy, Daddy and Dan all have some things they could probably sell. I also explained to the kids that if they wanted to put some of their toys, etc. in the sale, they could keep the money. They liked this idea, and immediately starting racking their kid brains for sellables :)

After they yelled out the names of a couple of toys, Abbi said, "Mom! I know! That blue blanket! I want to get rid of that. I'll sell it. All I use it for is to wipe my boogers on". Oh my God! The banana incident didn't even register in my brain after that very honest confession! I cracked up! Abbi did not understand why. As I laughed, she worriedly asked me if I was okay, and if I was still happy with my cards and plants. She was clueless... completely, honestly clueless.

These kids make me who I am. I'm glad the combination of our sick, twisted personalities are rubbing off on them. They will never been ordinary. They are kooks! And I love them just as they are.

One year ago Sunday, Abbigail said "Damn-it" for the first time. I look forward to what this Mother's Day will bring. The kids have a whole day to out-do themselves, although I'm not sure the blue booger blanket is beatable, honestly.

Sprawls and Snuggles

The other night I was talking to Dan about how making him and the babies, and people in general, happy makes me happy. I like to do things for other people, especially the people I love. I don't necessarily need credit (although a huge pet peeve of mine is someone else getting the glory for something I've worked very hard on), and I don't always need thanked. If I've done something nice for someone, it brings me real joy. I don't think the joy comes from the actual deed... I think it comes from the reaction and the feeling. Having someone do something to show you they care, appreciate and love you is an amazing feeling; Being the giver gratifies in equal measures.

While we were talking, Dan reminded me that making time for myself is important, too. I sort of blew off the comment (sorry Dan ;) and went about my merry way. But today, after being sent home from work due to a mean case of pink eye, and having time to think, I realize how much I've actually slowed down in the past few months. It's really hard to enjoy life's experiences when we're in motion constantly... especially when we're running 90-miles an hour with sweat pouring and life slapping us in the face, telling us to slow the hell down. That would be me on a frazzled day. ;)

Anyway, not too long ago, I would feel guilty for just sitting down and watching a TV show. I would have to fold laundry, clip coupons or be busy doing some other random task, because I didn't want to "be lazy"... Don't get me wrong, I still multitask (I wouldn't be me if I didn't), but my very favorite thing to do now is just veg, snuggle, watch a show, maybe have a drink and dinner... just be totally & completely content with doing nothing. I realized today that this (and the occasional nap) is what I do for myself.

When I got home today, the kitties greeted me at the door, and when I went to nap my pink eye away (it didn't work damn-it!), Sasha curled up at the end of the bed, and shortly thereafter, began snoring happily. I took a peek at her, and she was completely sprawled out, happy and content.

The moral of my story? It's okay to be like a cat sometimes. They do nice things for people without even trying. They bring joy just by being present. They nap and are completely okay with being utterly comatose. While we can't spend all of our days that way (and let's face it, how boring would that be?), it's okay to be free like a feline now and again.

A Damn Good Life

Recent Months in Pictures...
and then a story to lift your spirits, and your attitude :)



My babies
Easter 2010
(Thanks to Jennifer Tackett of www.photoreflect.com. Jennifer and her beau do BEAUTIFUL work!)

My sweetheart
Dan & I, March 2010
Memphis, TN

Our Sasha
(who I have to post an old picture of, because as of late, she's just a bitch:)

Dan's Kitty, Prowler
One of the most affectionate cats I've ever had the pleasure of knowing... and loving (just don't tell Dan;).

My new do.
Just because there always has to be a self-centered picture of me on my blog entries :P

This is what my desk looks like on a frazzled day :)

At work we host an activity we call "Remember When..." It's a group of folks who are alert & oriented, and some not-so-much, reminiscing about their childhood, school days, pets who have warmed and broken their hearts, the love of their lives, and so on... I love this activity because, although a resident may not know today's date or what he ate for breakfast that morning, he remembers "Esther", stares into the air lovingly and daydreams about their days together, rattling off nicknames and memories... walks they took together, places they dined, picnics they went on, music they danced to... and on and on...

I found myself thinking today, not only of the memories we create every single day, but also how the rush of every day life can so simply smoothie itself into a blender of chaos... all of the potential memories can so easily be lost among bills, chores, events we just couldn't say no to (even though we desperately wanted to) and burying ourselves in our work, whether it be at home or in an office.

I wonder if when our generation is in our 70s and 80s, will we "Remember When..."? Will we be able to see the face of the person we deeply loved, with closed eyes, and remember the sweet memories we created (or should have created) together? Will we be able to remember our girls' nights out, or what an impact our children, pets, friends and coworkers had on our lives. Will we have had an impact on theirs?

It's a sad truth that so many people enter work before dawn and leave long after the sun has said goodnight... that people dream of being someone they're not, spend their whole life living up to a standard they will never reach, when all the while, they could have been molding themselves into an amazing individual... someone who would be remembered for their uniqueness... someone who made a mark in history... even if it was just on the heart of one person.... someone who made beautiful memories.

I've learned in recent months to enjoy the small things, and I'm learning not to worry so much about the craziness of life which simply can't be controlled. I have learned to hold my babies, Dan and the kitties tight, take the time to snuggle and listen, enjoy the present, and know that we are all making beautiful memories to share in the future. I want to remember my life as it is... because it's a damn good life.

Happiness is...

"The Tapestry of the Human Experience"

Some People Just Don't Get It...

My very intuitive, well-spoken, friendly and fun Facebook friend Wayne started a conversation earlier that quite honestly can't be ignored, or left to disappear under the rubble that is Facebook. With Wayne's permission, I am copying and pasting the conversation. As I'm sure there will be more posts in response to Mr. Rowe's original entry, I will continue to add to this post, as I believe this is a conversation that many people can relate to. If you are one of the non-labeling, unique, beautiful ones, *big kisses and hugs to you*... on the other hand, if you are one of the gossiping, superior pains in the ass Wayne speaks of, get a life... *flips you the bird*... there, now you have something new to bitch about. ;)

Enjoy the posts. I sure am!



Wayne: IF YOU LABEL ME, YOU NEGATE ME ... People who try to label others or themselves don't appear to grasp the complexity of life & the human soul. We are not young or old, straight or gay, black or white, fat or skinny, short or tall, ugly or pretty. We are our own unique collection of intellect, experience, virtu...e, and emotion. This is the tapestry of the human experience.

Kelly (that would be me): Wayne, I love this. It's absolutely true. So many people are so quick to judge, label, put down and bask in their superiority. I truly believe those are the unhappiest people of all. Being unique makes each of us beautiful (or handsome;) and standing out isn't such a bad thing... there are just so many simple-minded people who can't appreciate that. *high-five* to you for calling them out! I LOVE this post!

Wayne: Thanks Kelly! Such an easy thing to spot. Those judging people are out there every day with there label maker putting labels on everyone, when all they had to do was grab a permanent magic marker and write the word "IGNORANT" on their forehead.

Will: Rr you labeling me a simpleton? LOL

Laura: Dude- you know what you are? You are DEEP. (I just labeled you.) And I hate to do this, but in the name of intellectualism I must point out that you labeled people who label people as simpletons and ignorant when people are more complex than that. Good natured ribbing, and I totally get your point but had to say that.

Wayne: Yes I am. LOL I have a Label Baby Jr.

Wayne: Damnit! You and Will are killing me. I am trying to lash out and you masters of lexicon are picking apart my semantics like a government think tank. Dumbing down the meaning with mirrors, magic, and logic. I officially withdraw my simpleton label...due to flawed logic. I hold true to how I feel. (ALL SAID WITH A PARTIAL SMILE AND A FEELING OF WONDERMENT TOWARD 2 PEOPLE I LIKE AND ADMIRE.) Yep, I labeled you a government think tank. :) I will say in all seriousness, the next person that calls me old or refers to me as old, or fat, or whatever I supposedly am, I am going to lose it bad! I don't remember asking anyone what they thought of me. Glad they shared. I am a better and happier person because of their acumen.(This takes a long time to type because I must go to dictionary.com to ensure everything is spelled perfectly or someone will type a correction notice.)

Kelly: Lmfao!!!! The dictionary comment cracked me the hell up! Wayne, with your permission, I would love to post this conversation on my blog. Its priceless, and definitely a subject that sparks a nerve for many folks :) Let me know... And you are NOT old! Or fat! Jeesh! People suck :P Is that labeling? Nah! ;)


Wayne: Go for it Kelly!

Kelly: Woot! You Rock!

Larry: You're intelligent, good looking, and a great friend. Wait, I take that back. Sorry for negating you.

Wayne: Ha, ha, ha... You are pretty cool yourself.

Wayne: Bottom line...most of us have feelings and we know who and what we are. We know our flaws or perceived flaws. We are defined by our own perception and to an extent people around us, at least in their minds. I guess cutting people out of your life that don't have that word filter that keeps you from hurting others is the best medicine. For my part, I try not to label people, but have admittedly done so. For that, I am so sorry.

Kelly: Wayne, I think this is an excellent bottom line. I also try not to label people. We're all only human, and occasionally a label will slip out, or a thought will cross our minds that we're not proud of. I think that's human nature. There are, however, people who have a real problem. I do believe sometimes it's much healthier to cut out those toxic people, and let them meddle in someone else's life. Cutting out those that hurt us doesn't make us mean or judgmental... it keeps us sane. And let's face it, it's much easier to be happy when we're not being watched and judged :)

Fuzz & Fluff

Beauty in Furr-Form

It occurred to me this evening that I haven't blogged since the new year began. I have lots of happy things to dwell on right now, which is an incredible contrast to some of last year's life changes (see most-recent blog post for details). The holidays were extremely tough, but I had work to keep me busy, and friends to keep me sane ;) Thank God for my babies! They reminded me to keep my spirits up, and I sailed into the new decade quite hopeful... and I haven't been let down. Persistence and patience *sigh* are wonderful qualities. While my persistence is nothing short of one of my finest qualities, patience does not come naturally to me. Quite honestly it doesn't come to me at all. But somehow I've managed to practice it over the past few months. Patience pays off. :0) *big happy smiles*



As I sit here with my new-ish-to-me Himalayan kitty cat, Sasha, I realize that if you have been reading my blog for a while (I've made it past the one year mark, by the way! *self pat on the back... or ass... or wherever*), you probably know that I'm an animal lover. Yes, I have degraded helpless pets in the past by writing mean stories about them, but deep down, I love them to pieces. Sitting here with my lovely Sasha, I can't deny it... I'm smitten with a cat ^^= ♥!

Sasha became part of the family on December 9th of last year. She's been with us for over a month now, and she is an absolute delight! She's good with the kids, although I have decided against getting her declawed, due to the fact that the poor little fluff needs to play defense now and then, and the fact that a kneading, loving cat is just, well... natural. While I have had pet cats declawed in the past, it strikes me as funny now, as we tend to not de-fingernail (or de-toenail, for that matter) humans, unless they have been incredulously naughty (in the bad type of way, not the rawrrrr type of way)... so why subject our poor kitty to the ripping out of the claws. I'd rather not.

As I tend to get off-track, let me get back to the subject at hand, Ms. Sasha. I first learned about the dear poof ball from my best friend Anne. She mentioned that there was a kitty hanging out way out in the country, in the cold and snow, and although Anne's friend and her neighbors were feeding Sasha, she didn't have a real home. This went on for a few weeks. One night Anne sent me a picture of her, and I instantly became giddy! It had been over 5 years since I had a kitty... and I happen to LOVE Himi's and Persians, so this was like a dream come true. I did have plans to get a kitty this year, and that is still the plan (yes, Sasha will soon have a brother or sister... unless they are fond of each other, and then that's just incestuous and gross)... I just didn't count on a beautiful purr baby falling in my lap like she did. I'm thankful for her.

The night Anne took the kids and I out to meet Sasha, I was excited. I had a bit of guilt, because I was intent on waiting for a pet... but as soon as I saw her, I fell in love. I had to have her! She had to come home with me! She was needy for attention, and just beautiful as could be. She looked like an angel, and she had to be mine.

I bought the bare necessities for our girl... litter box, liners, litter itself, a bowl and food. Sasha was a hair skiddish at first (she found comfort under the Christmas tree and hiding in some duct in the basement), but she soon came around! She is now miss sociable Sasha. Everyone that stops over loves her! And it melts my heart when she sits in the window seat in the early mornings, watching the kids and I scoot off for the day. Nearly every morning I hear "bye house, bye Sasha" as we're driving down the road. She's just as much part of this house as our house is now, if that makes any sense. Basically she's a fixture. She moves, but she's a fixture. Huh... moving on... fixing to move on... jeez, just move... :P

While I'm on the topic of pets, my lovely-as-he-could-possibly-be boyfriend sent me a link tonight to a video on youtube. I watched that video, and then I stumbled onto several more. If you are an animal lover, you will find pure enjoyment just from watching this 41 second video by Parry Gripp. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2F4EFYM_MA&NR=1

And this is the video that made me dig for more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMWi7CLoZ2Q&NR=1

And one more... if you are a cat lover, you will appreciate these very useful flushing felines... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hcuv9RuO0NE

Check out youtube for more. The bunny at the end of video number one made me giggle and cry at the same time.

So, in closing, as you've probably heard, people who have pets are happier people. Statistics suck, in my opinion, but this I happen to believe. I truly missed having pets in my life. I'm happy someone neglected their beautiful cat... I'm sorry she spent so many nights in the cold... but I'm happy she became OUR house cat :) She'll be spoiled rotten for the rest of her 9 lives.

Shit Happens :) Happy Shit Even...

2009 has truly been an amazing year for me. It has been a very pivotal year, an overwhelmingly honest year and, while I realize I will continue to grow and to learn, this is the year that I came into myself... the year I realized who I am, who I want to be and who I want to spend my days with. This will be a year I reflect on for the rest of my life.

My best friend told me not so long ago that more than 3 life changes within a year is too much for any given person. Luckily, because I refuse to believe in statistics (they're always flawed) and enjoy taking my own happy-go-lucky path, I am moving along quite nicely through the life changes that are just continuing to rack up.

1) We nearly lost her. Anne and I have been friends for many years. She and her boyfriend are family to me. As I mentioned in a few prior posts this year, we nearly lost her to a horrid infection. Then, because of both of us being extremely stubborn, we nearly lost each other again. Thankfully we found our way back to our forever-friendship, and now have a new appreciation for one another. I'm thankful for her.

2) The move. We purchased a house on land contract. I fell in love with it. I fell in love with the sun room, the bedroom, the kitchen, the dining room, the big yard, the nice neighborhood... I fell in love with the entirety of my new home. I don't even mind the psychotic man across the street who enjoys calling the police when someone pokes a yard sale sign in his beloved tree.

3) No more Twinfants and Twoddlers. While many people see their kids starting school as just the step following toddlerhood, it was something I have feared and anticipated since they were born. My twins started school this year. It was traumatizing and wonderful for me. My babies are getting old, which means I'm getting old (I also turned 30 this year, but I'm not highlighting that, so forget about it :P). On the rare occasion I get to pick them up from school, they run out to me, full of pure joy, and scream for me! I have to catch my breath when I see how much these little people love me so unconditionally. I've never had that. I now do.

4) The signing. Joel and I signed our divorce papers on November 7th, our 11th wedding anniversary. There is much speculation of why, how, what, when, where, etc, and the God's honest truth is, we were just friends living together. He remains one of my best friends. We both just deserved a chance at finding true love. We were not that for one another.

5) Operation: Reject Kelly. My family no longer speaks to me or my children. I'm simply happy. I'm functional. I'm getting along just peachily (yep, totally made up that word) without the ins and outs of a family whose only respect comes from decisions that are made which match their own very strict and stern beliefs. I'm a better woman having gone through this. And I'm taking a wonderful new path with my children... a path much different than I was accustomed to. This changed my life for the better.

6) Be An Original. I realize that starting a blog isn't life-changing for most, but reading back, I realize how cathartic it has been for me this year. While my entire life is not an open book, I have let the world (or at least my 40 followers :) in on the important bits and pieces which are appropriate for the human eye ;) I'm quite proud that I am following through with this. I look forward to blogging. I love writing. Love it. It's my dream, and damn-it, this is a start :)

7) The One. I fell in love. Absolutely, totally and completely fell in love. Very few people understand it. No one understands it the way we do, but we do, and that's all that matters. I have found everything I wanted and never knew existed. I have found him, and I cherish him.

*7* is a lucky number for many folks (trust me, I was in Vegas 2 very long months ago). I suppose these 7 events, which I consider to all be life-changing, were stepping stones toward meeting myself, the real me. I've found her. I actually quite like her. She's genuine, caring, loyal, loving, adaptable & very capable of loving with her whole heart.

I have truly broken a cycle this year. I can't say I grew a pair (I have the wrong organs for that ;), but I most-certainly grew a backbone, learned to love myself and found what I truly needed and wanted for the rest of my days on this earth... My babies, my friends, my soulmate and myself. I just needed to find myself in order to appreciate the rest.

Happy Birthday to Meeeeeeee!

Hello darling readers. Today is my 30th birthday you see. It's been 30 years now since the Earth was first introduced to the bald, some-day-blonde, hazel-eyed, pale, blind girl who would eventually become a crazy redhead with an unnerving fire for life, and an extreme passion for her babies and her soft spot, who shall remain nameless for now...

At dinner (complete with dongs and drinks)

My birthday began on a bright note this morning. The twins woke me up (rather quietly... the shock!) by telling me happy birthday. Logan followed suit, and while the rest of the world could have no way understood what the child was saying, I did. And it was music to my barely-awake ears. My babies love me :)

I climbed out of bed reluctantly (as always), and started to pour juice, hand out Poptarts (I know... Mom of the year), get kids dressed and throw myself together enough to leave the house, clad in sweats and a t-shirt with my coat thrown over it. I didn't put on a stitch of makeup (I'm really growing up!) before we left the house. I did, however, stop at McDonald's for a wonderful sweet tea... the first of my birthday sweets.

I took the kids to Joel's parents' house because I had lunch plans today, and surprise plans tonight. I came home, hopped in the shower, got prettied up (curls, red lipstick, hose, skirt... the works), and then received a happy birthday call, which made me very happy :)

My friend was supposed to pick me up at 1pm. She didn't show up. I'm worried about her, because I couldn't get in touch with her. I wasn't upset or anything... I found some humor in eating Spaghettios instead of dining with wine at the Cheesecake Factory. I dressed up for Spaghettios. How lovely :) *cackles*

Ready to go out (and praying I don't get stood up twice ;)


After eating my Spaghettios (I don't even really like Spaghettios, except for the meaty balls), I decided to eat a cupcake. Then another... courtesy of my ex-husband's girlfriend. Yes, that's right, I not only dressed up to sit on the floor, watch Young & the Restless and eat half-cooked Spaghettios. I also dined on cupcakes the ex's chick baked. Conventional birthday lunch? No. Funny enough to blog about? Surely! *more giggle fits*

This afternoon I decided to take a nap... on my curls. I woke up a few times, because I refused to turn my phone off, but enjoyed the rest. I woke up a bit smeared (mascara) and with a bit less pizazz on top of my head, but I didn't care. I love sleep, and a quiet house and a nap on my 30th? Near bliss!

I talked with handsome and then with my friend Amy, and then started to get ready (once again) for my surprise. My friend Candise picked me up and we meandered to the Mexican restaurant. The waitress came out and immediately asked for our drink order (I would later have my picture taken with her). Without hesitation, I ordered a strawberry margarita. "Small, Medium or Large?" "Large of course!" This damn drink was literally as big as my head! And they don't scrimp on booze! It was loaded with tequila! LOADED! Let's just say by the end of dinner, I had finished off that 45-oz glass (with a sipper beside me) and I was flying high.

Miss Amikens (aka Twan): This chick & I have been friends for 25 years! My GOD! We should get drunk more often!


Cute little Innocent Ash



Candi Cox :P (LMAO)



Beautiful Whit and Hot Little Hunter, the stripper :P


Rainbow, Shannon & the Stripper in Action ;) LOL


Rainbow (also known as Shelly, Shell and Michelle)
We've come a VERY long way! ****MUAH****

I opened my gifts, and just about died when I opened a giant ding-a-ling I was NOT expecting from my sweet, innocent coworker! The fact that it was from her cracked me the hell up! I also received darling coffee mugs (I'm addicted!) and many other fabulous gifts. THEN the waiters and waitresses came out with my HELLO KITTY CAKE! That's right! For my 30th birthday, I got a HELLO KITTY CAKE! And I LOVED it! One single candle. One happy Kelly.

She Just Rocks!
(I will be getting a Hello Kitty tat on my foot sometime in the no-so-distant future)

I cut the cake and can happily report that no one has yet eaten miss Kitty's face. Because of this, I stuck my straw in her nose and proceeded to suck. The cake was lovely and yummy, and no, the new girlfriend did not bake it. Thank you L&P!


What happens when dongs and drinks collide.


Miss Amikens brought me home and we chit-chatted a bit before she left me for dead. Haha! Just kidding! I quickly ran down to the computer to post pics on Facebook. I had a wonderful time, and was anxious to show my friends :)

Just a bit ago, while I was on the phone (yep, again), I was unknowingly receiving text messages from an irate family member, telling me that the family did not divorce me (see previous posts). When you haven't heard from your parents, brother or sister for well over a month after asking them to get ahold of you if they decide not to cut ties, it's sort of an unspoken message... we're done with you. I've heard that message loud and clear (3 times in my life now), have come to terms with it, and have moved on.

In the next breath, I was told that we all need to be grown-ups and move past this. HA! I will NEVER, EVER let people come into and out of my children's lives the way they have been in and out of mine.

They critique my parenting, my decisions, my life in general, and now I admit it... yes, I am done. I am no longer staying in a dysfunctional situation knowingly. I AM an adult now. I'm making this decision for my children, myself and our well-being. Those family members who have walked in and out of my life? They are my past. The babies, my friends and him... they are my future.

Happy Birthday Kelly.
I love you.

A Guide to Enjoying the Holidays: The Art of Pissing People Off :)

Let the Trampling Begin... :)

I didn't partake in the Black Friday madness today. I did, however, have a pissy moment at the gas station at 7:45 this morning, where a man, obviously going through his midlife crisis, pulled his pimp car up WAY too far, blocking my gas pump and his. ASS! I'm sure his 20-year old girlfriend sent him out for tampons or something, and he realized almost too late that she ran his new red sports car out of gas while she was out partying last night. I'm positive he was having a pissy morning as well, but seriously! I just wanted some gas, Ass!

I remember going Black Friday shopping several years ago. I don't remember all of it. I do recall being extremely friendly to the evil shoppers, and them NOT appreciating my happiness whatsoever. I was fine with that. You see, I like making people happy, but if it's impossible, I am quite happy with pissing them off with my happy demeanor. Either way, I'm happy. It's their choice if they don't wanna turn that fuckin' frown upside down! Asses!

One year, I was wrapping paper shopping at Walmart with my friend Anne right around Christmas time, and our fellow piss-filled shoppers were just lovely, and full of holiday joy. Hateful stares and covered carts, the pissies holding on for dear life to their cheap-ass Bath and Body Works wanna-be $5 gift sets and Puking & Pooping Elmos, or whatever the current HOT item was! I remember being so thoroughly amused by these rotten-to-the-core Walmart folk I started to shake my wrapping paper roll (Disney Princesses... HOW did I remember that?) at them... and it didn't stop there!

When we got out to Anne's car, I proceeded to roll my window down and shake the roll as she was driving. I hope I gave some people some laughs! I'm sure most of the idiots thought I was psychotic (they're not too far off), but they didn't realize that being crazy-happy is much more enjoyable and fulfilling than being down right spiritless. Seriously, can you imagine one of those frowning fogies holding a wrapping paper roll out of the passenger side window, shaking it at passing traffic, laughing uncontrollably, and wishing the local news station was there to photograph their holiday joy? No damn way!

Christmas, and the entire holiday season (I'm quite fond of 8 Crrrrrazy Nights as well. Thank you Adam Sandler), has always been a joy to me. You see, we spend hours upon hours wrapping dozens of gifts that will be ripped apart within seconds (unless you have one of those annoying family members who just HAS to save the "gorgeous" gift wrap). And the whole decorating the tree on Christmas Eve thing? What the hell ever! My tree is up and ready to rock RIGHT NOW... I'm not going to decorate a stupid 7' tree (plus the 2 smaller ones I have) and leave it up for ONE FREAKIN' DAY! Seriously?!?! Why torture yourself? That's stupid!

One of my best friends, who shall remain nameless, once set her Christmas tree up and just never took it down. I like this idea. While I enjoy looking at the individual ornaments each year (they all have a story) and ooohing and ahhhing (or vomiting) over the memories attached to each of them, just carrying the damn plastic tree out to the shed fully decorated, and dragging it in once a year for a month or so, sounds rather appealing. And just think! There will be new ornaments each year! I'm sure creepy crawly creatures, and rodents of all types would find their way into the fake-as-snowman-poop tree. Hmmmm *pondering*...

All joking aside *manly burps* ;), I do love this time of the year. I also think it would be MUCH more spirited and fabulous if evil people would just stay home and hibernate like bears. I understand, grouchy grinches, that you don't care for holiday crowds and picked-over cheap-as-hell gifts (because the economy has screwed us all, and no one has any damn money to spend this year)... HOWEVER! It's not all about the stuff! My kids have toys in the bottom of their toy boxes I could wrap up and they would never even remember that they existed before this.. AND clothes?!? Kids don't look at clothes when they open them... they just rip them out of the box, and throw them as far away as they can to make room for MORE USED TOYS! YAY!

See, there are solutions to all of your holiday predicaments. Feel free to post questions below for holiday-inspired cheery advice. I promise to answer within a timely manner... and ALL questions will be answered BEFORE Christmas 2010.

Everyone, cheer the hell up, and Happy Holidays!
Kell :)

Happy Thanksgiving -Double Divorced :)

So if you check my blog often and eagerly only to be disappointed because I'm a total slacker, you may be surprised that I am actually blogging twice in a week! This is a rare occurrence as of late.

While I could easily blame my lack of blogging on busyness, I won't. I tend to make time for most things I need to or want to do, if they hold any interest to me. Honestly, my heart has been so rollercoaster-y lately, I haven't had the umph, pizazz or normal bullshit attitude to blog properly. And I refuse to post a non-proper entry. Proper to me is cursing, plotting, making fun of folks and turning generally boring objects into fun, sexy, beautiful and rancid joyballs (those small things that make us oh, so happy)... for a spot on example, check out my post "Heda Lettuce"... It's a riveting illustration of stupid humor at its finest.

If you take life too seriously, and don't care for hardcore situations being made into light and fluffy, mushy, soupy stuff, you should stop reading now. This will save me from receiving hateful comments (although they are always welcomed and appreciated), and will save you from having the blood boiling throughout your body, putting you in the hospital with some explosive blood disease... and don't try suing me! Do you know how f'ing easy it is to delete a blog? I know from experience, because I deleted my weight-loss blog, which I only had intentions of keeping for one inspired day. Yeah, try to sue me, and I'll prove this post never existed :P *evil cackles*

I warned you! This is your last chance NOT to read on.

The controversial topic I will be talking about today, my dear readers, is divorce. You see, my husband of 11 years (we've been together for 15) and I have decided to go our separate ways. Actually, we are agreeing upon almost everything (I want those damn red gym pants back, Joel!), which is making the process much easier, because we are going with a dissolution. And thanks to Joel being of the law enforcement variety, we even got a discount on that! So, while getting married is much cheaper than divorcing (in the most literal terms), both can bring just as much peace and harmony to one's life. Joel and I are a perfect example of that.

Although the decision to divorce was primarily mine, Joel and I both agreed that we would both be happier going our separate ways. Because of the divorce, and me being the named "bad guy" in the situation (which by the way, marriages don't end because only one of the people in it sucks... it can be rather a mutual fuck-up)... my parents divorced me.

That's right. I now no longer have a husband (though we remain friends most of the time), I also don't have a family. The entire family disowned me and the babies. Not only am I ruining my kids lives you see, I'm also going to burn in hell once my Earth life is over, due to leaving a friendly companionship of a marriage. I would like to check and see if living a lie to keep a family together works out peacefully and wonderfully in the end, but I have decided not to stick it out to try it. I'll leave that to them.

I believe that our time on this planet should be happy. I believe that if you are knowingly staying in an unhappy, discontented situation, you are doing yourself an incredible disservice.

My babies will learn from me that it's okay to take your own path... even if it's at the disgust of others. And it's okay to make decisions that others don't agree with. That's life. We can't please everyone.

I have learned that I am an extremely strong person. I didn't take a chance when I made my decision. I KNEW it was the right decision for myself and the kids, and Joel too. While things are difficult right now in many ways, I'm truly feeling happiness. I am exhausted and getting used to being a single mother of 3, but I'm content with my new life. People see it. Friends at work have noticed. My oldest, closest friends see it. My kids see it.

If I were to do it all over again, would I disappoint them? Yes! I've been doing it my entire life. There is no winning them over. I've tried to gain their love and respect for years upon years. Unconditional love is apparently optional in this situation. My parents have been on 2 year+ long hiatuses from me before this... it's not a new feeling. But it didn't become bearable until I realized I can make my life what I want it to be! With or without the help of my fair-weather family.

Will I ever divorce my children? No! I've lived it and learned from it, and I know that taking hiatuses from my children is not ever going to be an option. They are my beautiful and wonderful, and we created them. No way will I ever let them go! My love for them... it is truly unconditional.

I have had an outpouring of support from my wonderful friends! I'd try to list them all, but then I'd forget people, and that would piss them off... and then I would have to keep editing this damn post, and as mentioned above, I am a blog slacker recently. I must not be bothered by editing. I'm proud enough when I get it typed once.

I do thank my friends for believing in me! For seeing the reality of the situation, and for not judging me. Very few people have given me negative feedback about this decision. My family just happens to be part of that little group. Even my Christian friends have had my back, and I thank you guys for that! You truly rock!

Today for Thanksgiving, I received two generous invitations to dinners. I also worked this morning voluntarily. I did decide to stay home after work and relax my day away. I knew the kids would be happy and giddy to be having Thanksgiving dinner at Mama and Papa's (Joel's parents). And I was quite content knowing that they would be coming home to me this evening. I do hope my old family had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.

I will never regret shooting for the stars. I will never be sorry that I chose to make all 5 of us happy (some sooner than others) and I will ALWAYS remember those of you who have been here for me, and I'm letting go of those of you who have not.

Friends TRULY ARE the family we choose.
I'm thankful for you.

Shake the Glitter Off Your Clothes (The Vegas Experience)

Oh Vegas. Vegas was a few weeks ago, and I've been quite on the fence about blogging our adventure, because a) I was a bad girl, and b) because of a, the memories, fabulous memories, are a bit of a hazy blur.

Angie, Beth, Linda and I started our vacation at (I believe it was) 6:30am on Saturday, October 24th. At that point, I was in a sleepy, splendid, excited stupor, awaiting the plane ride, and the landing in Vegas, where I would see PALM TREES! My love for these amazingly funny-looking trees is almost overwhelming... so much so that, at one point during our vixen vacation, I hugged one. I attempted to hug others, but that would have required climbing over fences and bushes, and quite honestly, I was too drunk to walk in a straight line... let alone traipse through any type of obstacle course. But the trees were lovely. If I could have afforded it, I would have uprooted one, and bought an extra plane seat, just so I could bring the fabulous f'in palm home with me. For now, I'll have to settle for pictures and fabulous video footage. One day I WILL have palm trees. ;)

So back to the beginning... the girls picked me up to go to the Columbus airport way before the sun woke up. Once we got to the airport it was EASY! I expected scary dudes saluting each other, and cavity searches. Instead, checking in our bags was extremely simple, and drinking giant margaritas for breakfast seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do. Linda was pushing the Airborne and while some of the crew tried it to make miss Cream Puff happy, I couldn't force myself to drink the stuff, so I enjoyed my margarita, and not so long after, we were on the airplane to Las Vegas.

The plane trip was fun! Linda was generous and offered me the window seat. We flew over the Grand Canyon, which I'm thankful we didn't visit more closely ;) and a very odd, friendly, compulsive-lying plane-mate bought all of us fabulous chicks a round of drinks on the plane. It was very nice of him. I learned that I really enjoy Bailey's liqueur. It would be quite simple to sneak it into a cup of lovely coffee, and no one would be the wiser. Hmmmm.....

Landing was not so fun for me. It was bumpy. I freaked out a bit, but I was so happy to be in Vegas, I didn't care if I landed with all of my limbs and digits or not. I would've been just as chipper to hobble at that point. Some of the shoe choices I made resulted in hobbles anyway.

Before leaving for our trip, we did extensive research. Our hotel seemed to be famous for it's ancient rooms, which were said to smell of farm animal farts and stale cigarette smoke. It was said that the layout of the building was like a maze... I was admittedly a bit worried, because I have absolutely no sense of direction and I'm of the legally blind category... so the thought of a maze of hallways that looked alike and elevators that would only deliver us to certain floors was disturbing.

Luckily the hotel was just fine. No, it wasn't the Bellagio, or even the Flamingo, but it was a comfy place to rest our heads. Angie and Beth even had a pet bird visit them in their room, and Linda and I got to enjoy the luxury of our feet being soaked while showering (not together of course), as our bathtub filled up with water instantaneously. I had to rush to get my stems shaved before the tub went into full-on overflow mode. I'm sure some transvestite decided to wash his/her hair and there was a giant clump of he/she hair clogging the ancient drain. I wasn't about to stick my hand down there... hair grows in so many areas.... eww...

Moving on...

Each day in Vegas is a blur. The days blend together. Although I had my cell phone glued to me at all times (talkin' to someone special ya see), I had no concept of time whatsoever. I remember which day it was by which outfit I had on. Seriously.

Khakis/Purple Shirt/Flower Flip-flops = Day 1: I believe we went to a water show and volcano show today, but I don't really remember. I don't really remember much at all from this day. I think I must have been hammered. Angie, Linda, Beth? Was I hammered? Fill me in on what we did, cause I just don't know...

Orange Dress = Day 2: Okay, orange dress day was very blur-ish and naughty quite honestly. I don't really remember what I did or said. I do now know that the reason people say "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is because people who are smashed like I was, don't remember shit. I just remember liking that dress, and twirling on the strip. Apparently I was asking my friends to take pictures of my boobs. And, being the loving friends that they are, they did! And yes, the tits were covered... kinda.Strip Twirl ;)


The Convertible Dress

Drunken Nonsense :P


More Drunken Nonsense

Black Dress = Day 3: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh black dress day! Actually, we didn't change into our little black dresses until the evening, before we went to see the Chippendales. Earlier that day we went to PF Changs, which was fabulous! We ate outside on the patio and watched the loons go by. Actually, we just talked a lot, and I believe this was the first meal I didn't drink at. I was pretty liquored-out at that point. That would soon change.At PF Changs

I drank a couple of Amaretto Sours, because I knew I couldn't face nearly naked presumably gay men without alcohol. Beth told the bouncer that it was my birthday (it wasn't, but will be soon... 30 in 10 days...... wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!). Let's just say we got front row seats, and yes, I was pulled up on-stage, and tied to a chair, wound up with a surgical mask tucked into my bra, and we'll just leave it at that... those boys are naughty!
The Bartender at Chippendales. Nice guy, but he wouldn't give me free booze. Ass!

After the Chippendales, Linda and Angie went back to their rooms to change. Beth and I promised to wait for them, and then we made a mad drunken dash to the strip. Yes, the 2 of us, alone and drunk.. and I believe we hit on some homeless men. Is that bad? Doesn't it make everything ok if alcohol is involved to the extent it was?

That night, we were invited to a lovely non-American man's hotel room. He had a red eye. He wanted to dance for us. I am sure he was quite disappointed and disturbed when Beth and I were very friendly with him but laughed uncontrollably at the thought. THAT is how people wind up on CSI. No, we did not go back to red eye's room. We did, however, sit there, hundreds of people walking by, deciding what to do next.

Yeah, he likes boys


Sneaking out to the Strip


We went for a limo ride, all four of us. We saw the Vegas sign. I'm leaving it at that. Mainly because thinking about it is similar to the clouds we seemed to be breezing through on the plane... I was in a fog.

Miscellaneous Moments: (Because I have no damn idea which damn outfit I was wearing, what day it was, what time it was or what in the hell was going on. Period)...

1) The Shoes: I wore cute black shoes. They suck. I wore them all afternoon and evening. I got to the hotel room that night and couldn't get in. Damn key card. So I sat by our hotel room door, unable to move. I was talking to someone special again. Then my phone started beeping, telling me it was going to die. I could have slept right there on that ancient hotel carpet, outside of the room. But I didn't. Even in my drunken state, CSI still flashed through my mind. Damn pervs and predators. They ruin everything!

2) Porn: There are men and women standing all along the strip handing out hooker cards. The chicks are naked or near-naked and there is a price on each card. I wonder if the girls have a bar code? Hmmm... Anyway, we were all on a mission to find male hooker cards, until one of the girls decided to ask where they were, and the little man looked at us like we were insane. Apparently they don't make happy-hooker cards in the male version. Asses! How sexist! :P Admittedly I came home with an entire deck-size stack of horny-hooker female cards and gave them to my soon-to-be-ex-husband as his souvenir. He appreciated! :D
At Dick's Last Resort

3) The Girl in Yellow Lace: On a lovely drunken Vegas day, I spotted a tall girl walking down the strip wearing a beautiful yellow lacy dress. She was lovely. She was carrying a little bouquet, and looked to be absolutely blissful. I wanted to be her. Eloping in Vegas! How romantic! Especially when she was obviously so very much in love. I want that. When I marry again one day, I want to be that blissfully happy (and the eloping bit appeals to me greatly too!)...

4) The Sickness: I woke up the last day we were in Vegas with a cough and sore throat. I felt like shit, and was wishing I had taken Cream Puff up on her Airborne offer 3 days earlier. The airplane ride back... not so fun. I sat in between two old chatty women, one with horrid halitosis. I did, at one point, go to the restroom just to see what an airplane restroom looks like, and I admit to wondering how people join the mile-high club in such an impossibly small space. It would be hot I imagine! It takes me to that bathroom scene in Unfaithful... *fans self*

So, the trip was awesome. There is TONS I'm leaving out, but this entry would go on forever and ever and ever.

I hope to go back to Vegas one day. I want to ride the $14-a-ride rollercoaster. I want to see the dueling piano players again. Next time I think I'll skip a few of the free glasses of Martini and Rossi so I remember a bit more...Champagne Breakfast

This trip was the beginning of a new start for me. And it was a fabulous kick-off! I just wish I remembered it ;)

Helk! Helk! Can you hear me Helk?!

Me and My Brit-Brit

One of my best friends Brittany is getting a puppy. I am happy for her. While I had an overwhelming urge for one of my own a while back, the feeling has passed. I now want a cat. I don't want a cat right at this moment. I'm quite happy to live with my children (animals) for the next few months, and then maybe adopt a little creature of the feline variety. We'll see...

So back to Brittany, or Brit as I like to call her... Brit's puppy-to-be is blind. Poor pup. He's rather cute. He's a bit too young for Brit to bring home, so she has conjugal visits with him now and again (:P). The bad thing is the pup isn't only blind, he's deaf too (and Brittany will have no idea with a conjugal visit entails or means for that matter.:P). I suggested naming the dog Helen Keller. Brittany was not so keen on this name choice due to the fact that the pup is in fact a boy. So I suggested Helk (short for the lovely Helen)... I think it's rather discreet, unless you know the reasoning behind the name, and it really doesn't matter what in the hell ya call the damn dog, cause he's can't hear your damn calls or read your blessed lips anyway. Bless his little heart.

Arm Candy

Later this evening, on our girls' night out, Brit broke the news that she would be getting a different puppy now. Helk will be going to live with a woman who will take him to nursing homes, etc. as a therapy dog. I will not mention the comments I made regarding this dog labor, due to upsetting the general, not so easily-amused public. It was quite funny though (to those of us with sick minds). Let's just say it had something to do with the dog not knowing where in the hell he is at the moment, is going in the future or has been in the past. What a sad puppy life. I realize that people manage to adapt to their surroundings and limitations (I am living proof!), but jeez!

Now don't think I'm evil. These are just my own very distorted, disturbed thoughts. I love pups and dogs. I happen to love blind dogs, deaf dogs, dumb dogs, evil dogs, loving dogs, shmooshy-faced dogs, poofy dogs, rat-looking dogs, mini-me dogs, striped dogs, spotted dogs, plain jane dogs, slut dogs, male-whore dogs, rabbit-chasing dogs, lap-swimming dogs, scrap-eating dogs, kid-friendly dogs, crotch-sniffing dogs, boot-eating dogs... but the one thing I can't stand? Poop-licking dogs. Anyone or anything who will eat their own dung? Disgusting! So if you partake in poo, you are not on my friends list. Delete me from your Facebook, your contacts, your life... cause I don't roll that way ;)The Innocents...

Brit, take good care of your dog with 5 senses. I pray Helk will have a beautiful life... *stifling very rude comments*... I wonder if laser surgery has been tested on dogs? Everything else has...

:P

Cryptic, I know.

Until next time,
Kell ;)

Cheeseburgers, Swine and Fun with Alligators

Mom and I took the lovies down to Polaris today to Cheeseburger in Paradise and to the mall to play on the germ-ridden playground. While I realize the swine flu (as we're no longer allowed to call it) is in full-force right now, and my skin crawls just thinking of the germs floating throughout the upper-crusty mall, my kids love it.

The mall is QUITE the melting pot of people! I had a fabulous conversation with a Mexican woman who did not speak a lick of English today. My Logan was playfully "tickling" her daughter, and we both found it to be extremely cute. I spoke in my best English. She spoke in her lovely Spanish, and we smiled at one another sweetly, heads cocked and everything. Who says there are language barriers? I think conversations where two people can't understand a damn word the other says are f'ing fabulous!!!!!! I plan to visit the mall more often just to engage other non-English-speaking folk in meaningful conversation. I'm so happy that woman didn't understand when I told her daughter she was an evil twit for putting my Logan in a headlock at one point. Just kidding... kinda... but the evil little hag did headlock my baby, as witnessed by my mother.

After a gallon of hand sanitizer had been soaked into 6 tiny hands, the electric steps, as my dad enjoys calling them, came next. My children are fond of alligators (elevators to most), and today they insisted on trying out the escalators. I obliged them, because anything that holds so much interest (and is free!) makes me one happy chick! Aiden and I rode up hand-in-hand and back down the same way. Abbigail and Mama did the same. And then Logan. Logan insisted I carry him up, so I did. But down?! No damn way! That kid wasn't movin'! So the rest of the crew rode up to meet us, and we went to find some non-moving steps. I think we'll stick to alligators for a while...

The toy store came next. I was rather unimpressed to be quite honest. They didn't even sell real Play Doh! Mom and I enjoyed making fun of the crappy toys, which were the equivalent to 'frosted fruit O's' rather than Fruit Loops. I'm not dissing off-brands... but toys should seriously have some quality standards. Many of these... did not.

On our way home I subjected Mom to The Plain White T's and Maroon 5. She seemed to enjoy my music of the moment. Logan fell asleep, while Abbi and Aiden sat in the back of the van crabbing over who could play with the farmer that came with the jacked-up fake tractor toy Grammy had bought for them.

As some of you know, I'm going through a rough time right now. Lots of changes going on, and I'm going through the process, remaining true to myself, to my babies and those who love me and I love. Days like today are a necessity at this point. If it weren't for fun, family, friends, music and hope for the future, I'd lay down, go to sleep and not surface until I'm 63. I'm thankful for the joys in my life. I'm grateful for the things I have to look forward to, and I'm hopeful that one day, on top of my already crazy-happiness, I will be blessed with even more.

Because quite honestly, we all deserve that.

My Ding-a-Ling ;)

Proof I'm Insane ;)

I went to a sex toy party tonight. It's the second one I've ever been to. The first was when I was newly married, and very naive. To make this extremely naughty first-time event even more blush-worthy, my mother-in-law was there. Thankfully she was not present this evening.

Some of the lotions, rings, vibrating objects and candles you can actually burn and then pour onto your lover's body freak me the hell out... I'll be honest! I'm all about the fairy dust and feathers, but JEEZ! Who purchases a double-dong from a home-party, where at some point, the giant flexible piece of non-meat is going to have to be delivered to your door?!?! Trust me ladies, that baby ain't gonna fit in a brown paper bag. There is nothing discreet about it! Unless you are rather large, and are able to conceal larger-than-life sex toys, everyone will know you are a master of dongs.

I couldn't help myself, and had to ask the demonstrator (hahahahaha) if people order such monstrous items from her very sexy catalog. She hadn't had much experience with dong orders, which, quite honestly, made me breathe a huge sigh of relief. Marion is known for many things... popcorn, piss tests and toothless wonders... but buffoon dongs aren't one of them. YAY for non-dong-using Marionites!

There is just something about a pretty blonde chick passing around vibrators and lubes with a straight face that strikes me as a bit odd. While I didn't order the dong for two, I did manage to find some shimmeries, which I later found out was a perfect purchase, because according to Facebook (which I rely on for accurate news and my map through life), I need to be a princess for Halloween this year. Fruity fairy dust! I just purchased my Halloween costume at a fun party! Is there something wrong with this picture?!

In other news, I realized tonight how very strange I truly am. My friend Candise & I went to have our hair cut today, and I had her take a picture... of the back of my head. Then I proceeded to post it on Facebook, where I now have 400 "friends". I have often wondered what people think of me, and now I know. That Kelly... that's the chick that takes pictures of the back of her head and goes to dong parties. Yes, it's odd, and yes, it's me... So YAY for vibrating ding-dongs, YAY for ass-backward photos and YAY for wearing fairy dust and nothing else.

Now go play with your ding-a-ling...