Shake the Glitter Off Your Clothes (The Vegas Experience)

Oh Vegas. Vegas was a few weeks ago, and I've been quite on the fence about blogging our adventure, because a) I was a bad girl, and b) because of a, the memories, fabulous memories, are a bit of a hazy blur.

Angie, Beth, Linda and I started our vacation at (I believe it was) 6:30am on Saturday, October 24th. At that point, I was in a sleepy, splendid, excited stupor, awaiting the plane ride, and the landing in Vegas, where I would see PALM TREES! My love for these amazingly funny-looking trees is almost overwhelming... so much so that, at one point during our vixen vacation, I hugged one. I attempted to hug others, but that would have required climbing over fences and bushes, and quite honestly, I was too drunk to walk in a straight line... let alone traipse through any type of obstacle course. But the trees were lovely. If I could have afforded it, I would have uprooted one, and bought an extra plane seat, just so I could bring the fabulous f'in palm home with me. For now, I'll have to settle for pictures and fabulous video footage. One day I WILL have palm trees. ;)

So back to the beginning... the girls picked me up to go to the Columbus airport way before the sun woke up. Once we got to the airport it was EASY! I expected scary dudes saluting each other, and cavity searches. Instead, checking in our bags was extremely simple, and drinking giant margaritas for breakfast seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do. Linda was pushing the Airborne and while some of the crew tried it to make miss Cream Puff happy, I couldn't force myself to drink the stuff, so I enjoyed my margarita, and not so long after, we were on the airplane to Las Vegas.

The plane trip was fun! Linda was generous and offered me the window seat. We flew over the Grand Canyon, which I'm thankful we didn't visit more closely ;) and a very odd, friendly, compulsive-lying plane-mate bought all of us fabulous chicks a round of drinks on the plane. It was very nice of him. I learned that I really enjoy Bailey's liqueur. It would be quite simple to sneak it into a cup of lovely coffee, and no one would be the wiser. Hmmmm.....

Landing was not so fun for me. It was bumpy. I freaked out a bit, but I was so happy to be in Vegas, I didn't care if I landed with all of my limbs and digits or not. I would've been just as chipper to hobble at that point. Some of the shoe choices I made resulted in hobbles anyway.

Before leaving for our trip, we did extensive research. Our hotel seemed to be famous for it's ancient rooms, which were said to smell of farm animal farts and stale cigarette smoke. It was said that the layout of the building was like a maze... I was admittedly a bit worried, because I have absolutely no sense of direction and I'm of the legally blind category... so the thought of a maze of hallways that looked alike and elevators that would only deliver us to certain floors was disturbing.

Luckily the hotel was just fine. No, it wasn't the Bellagio, or even the Flamingo, but it was a comfy place to rest our heads. Angie and Beth even had a pet bird visit them in their room, and Linda and I got to enjoy the luxury of our feet being soaked while showering (not together of course), as our bathtub filled up with water instantaneously. I had to rush to get my stems shaved before the tub went into full-on overflow mode. I'm sure some transvestite decided to wash his/her hair and there was a giant clump of he/she hair clogging the ancient drain. I wasn't about to stick my hand down there... hair grows in so many areas.... eww...

Moving on...

Each day in Vegas is a blur. The days blend together. Although I had my cell phone glued to me at all times (talkin' to someone special ya see), I had no concept of time whatsoever. I remember which day it was by which outfit I had on. Seriously.

Khakis/Purple Shirt/Flower Flip-flops = Day 1: I believe we went to a water show and volcano show today, but I don't really remember. I don't really remember much at all from this day. I think I must have been hammered. Angie, Linda, Beth? Was I hammered? Fill me in on what we did, cause I just don't know...

Orange Dress = Day 2: Okay, orange dress day was very blur-ish and naughty quite honestly. I don't really remember what I did or said. I do now know that the reason people say "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is because people who are smashed like I was, don't remember shit. I just remember liking that dress, and twirling on the strip. Apparently I was asking my friends to take pictures of my boobs. And, being the loving friends that they are, they did! And yes, the tits were covered... kinda.Strip Twirl ;)


The Convertible Dress

Drunken Nonsense :P


More Drunken Nonsense

Black Dress = Day 3: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh black dress day! Actually, we didn't change into our little black dresses until the evening, before we went to see the Chippendales. Earlier that day we went to PF Changs, which was fabulous! We ate outside on the patio and watched the loons go by. Actually, we just talked a lot, and I believe this was the first meal I didn't drink at. I was pretty liquored-out at that point. That would soon change.At PF Changs

I drank a couple of Amaretto Sours, because I knew I couldn't face nearly naked presumably gay men without alcohol. Beth told the bouncer that it was my birthday (it wasn't, but will be soon... 30 in 10 days...... wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!). Let's just say we got front row seats, and yes, I was pulled up on-stage, and tied to a chair, wound up with a surgical mask tucked into my bra, and we'll just leave it at that... those boys are naughty!
The Bartender at Chippendales. Nice guy, but he wouldn't give me free booze. Ass!

After the Chippendales, Linda and Angie went back to their rooms to change. Beth and I promised to wait for them, and then we made a mad drunken dash to the strip. Yes, the 2 of us, alone and drunk.. and I believe we hit on some homeless men. Is that bad? Doesn't it make everything ok if alcohol is involved to the extent it was?

That night, we were invited to a lovely non-American man's hotel room. He had a red eye. He wanted to dance for us. I am sure he was quite disappointed and disturbed when Beth and I were very friendly with him but laughed uncontrollably at the thought. THAT is how people wind up on CSI. No, we did not go back to red eye's room. We did, however, sit there, hundreds of people walking by, deciding what to do next.

Yeah, he likes boys


Sneaking out to the Strip


We went for a limo ride, all four of us. We saw the Vegas sign. I'm leaving it at that. Mainly because thinking about it is similar to the clouds we seemed to be breezing through on the plane... I was in a fog.

Miscellaneous Moments: (Because I have no damn idea which damn outfit I was wearing, what day it was, what time it was or what in the hell was going on. Period)...

1) The Shoes: I wore cute black shoes. They suck. I wore them all afternoon and evening. I got to the hotel room that night and couldn't get in. Damn key card. So I sat by our hotel room door, unable to move. I was talking to someone special again. Then my phone started beeping, telling me it was going to die. I could have slept right there on that ancient hotel carpet, outside of the room. But I didn't. Even in my drunken state, CSI still flashed through my mind. Damn pervs and predators. They ruin everything!

2) Porn: There are men and women standing all along the strip handing out hooker cards. The chicks are naked or near-naked and there is a price on each card. I wonder if the girls have a bar code? Hmmm... Anyway, we were all on a mission to find male hooker cards, until one of the girls decided to ask where they were, and the little man looked at us like we were insane. Apparently they don't make happy-hooker cards in the male version. Asses! How sexist! :P Admittedly I came home with an entire deck-size stack of horny-hooker female cards and gave them to my soon-to-be-ex-husband as his souvenir. He appreciated! :D
At Dick's Last Resort

3) The Girl in Yellow Lace: On a lovely drunken Vegas day, I spotted a tall girl walking down the strip wearing a beautiful yellow lacy dress. She was lovely. She was carrying a little bouquet, and looked to be absolutely blissful. I wanted to be her. Eloping in Vegas! How romantic! Especially when she was obviously so very much in love. I want that. When I marry again one day, I want to be that blissfully happy (and the eloping bit appeals to me greatly too!)...

4) The Sickness: I woke up the last day we were in Vegas with a cough and sore throat. I felt like shit, and was wishing I had taken Cream Puff up on her Airborne offer 3 days earlier. The airplane ride back... not so fun. I sat in between two old chatty women, one with horrid halitosis. I did, at one point, go to the restroom just to see what an airplane restroom looks like, and I admit to wondering how people join the mile-high club in such an impossibly small space. It would be hot I imagine! It takes me to that bathroom scene in Unfaithful... *fans self*

So, the trip was awesome. There is TONS I'm leaving out, but this entry would go on forever and ever and ever.

I hope to go back to Vegas one day. I want to ride the $14-a-ride rollercoaster. I want to see the dueling piano players again. Next time I think I'll skip a few of the free glasses of Martini and Rossi so I remember a bit more...Champagne Breakfast

This trip was the beginning of a new start for me. And it was a fabulous kick-off! I just wish I remembered it ;)

Cheeseburgers, Swine and Fun with Alligators

Mom and I took the lovies down to Polaris today to Cheeseburger in Paradise and to the mall to play on the germ-ridden playground. While I realize the swine flu (as we're no longer allowed to call it) is in full-force right now, and my skin crawls just thinking of the germs floating throughout the upper-crusty mall, my kids love it.

The mall is QUITE the melting pot of people! I had a fabulous conversation with a Mexican woman who did not speak a lick of English today. My Logan was playfully "tickling" her daughter, and we both found it to be extremely cute. I spoke in my best English. She spoke in her lovely Spanish, and we smiled at one another sweetly, heads cocked and everything. Who says there are language barriers? I think conversations where two people can't understand a damn word the other says are f'ing fabulous!!!!!! I plan to visit the mall more often just to engage other non-English-speaking folk in meaningful conversation. I'm so happy that woman didn't understand when I told her daughter she was an evil twit for putting my Logan in a headlock at one point. Just kidding... kinda... but the evil little hag did headlock my baby, as witnessed by my mother.

After a gallon of hand sanitizer had been soaked into 6 tiny hands, the electric steps, as my dad enjoys calling them, came next. My children are fond of alligators (elevators to most), and today they insisted on trying out the escalators. I obliged them, because anything that holds so much interest (and is free!) makes me one happy chick! Aiden and I rode up hand-in-hand and back down the same way. Abbigail and Mama did the same. And then Logan. Logan insisted I carry him up, so I did. But down?! No damn way! That kid wasn't movin'! So the rest of the crew rode up to meet us, and we went to find some non-moving steps. I think we'll stick to alligators for a while...

The toy store came next. I was rather unimpressed to be quite honest. They didn't even sell real Play Doh! Mom and I enjoyed making fun of the crappy toys, which were the equivalent to 'frosted fruit O's' rather than Fruit Loops. I'm not dissing off-brands... but toys should seriously have some quality standards. Many of these... did not.

On our way home I subjected Mom to The Plain White T's and Maroon 5. She seemed to enjoy my music of the moment. Logan fell asleep, while Abbi and Aiden sat in the back of the van crabbing over who could play with the farmer that came with the jacked-up fake tractor toy Grammy had bought for them.

As some of you know, I'm going through a rough time right now. Lots of changes going on, and I'm going through the process, remaining true to myself, to my babies and those who love me and I love. Days like today are a necessity at this point. If it weren't for fun, family, friends, music and hope for the future, I'd lay down, go to sleep and not surface until I'm 63. I'm thankful for the joys in my life. I'm grateful for the things I have to look forward to, and I'm hopeful that one day, on top of my already crazy-happiness, I will be blessed with even more.

Because quite honestly, we all deserve that.

The Conversationalist

My favorite subject in school was English. I loved it. I bought Cliff's Notes just like the next kid, but I loved writing, and if it was my choice of reading material, I loved that, too. My friends often asked me to 'help' them write their papers. My friend Amy once told me I could bullshit my way through any subject. She was right.

I know now that life is very much made up of conversations... words. If it were not for words, we would just be thrusting our bodies around to attract the opposite sex, and beating people up to get a point across. Words can be beautiful... they can be manipulative... they can be sweet, and they can be evil.

Math was always my downfall. I hated it. I still do! Admittedly, I count on my fingers when I'm playing Yahtzee. I carry the one, count like a child and often cannot remember "simple" multiplication... I simply don't like it.

To me, English (or your language of choice) is so much more relevant. While we have dictionaries and thesauruses (which I LOVE by the way), much of our individuality has to do with our words, the way we use them and our knowledge, which would not be properly expressed without conversation.

There is no uniqueness in numbers. I understand why people are fascinated by them. I once knew a man who could multiply 1,549.268790385 by 3,453,209.44123430 in his head! He amazed me! Honestly, I thought he was odd, but I'm sure numbers people see us language people as equally as odd. I get that.

I've started journal after journal over the years. I've always had a love for terminology, expressions, grammar and the pure amusement of words.

I absolutely love it when someone says a word that is not spoken on a day to day basis. I like to throw "hiatus", "nonchalant", "passive", "mediocre", "dung" and other random words into sentences. It's not that they're difficult words... they just aren't used as often as "poop", "vacation", "quiet" and "okay"... see what I mean? Boring compared to BAZOW! I like to be that BAZOW girl! One thing I never, ever want to be called... BORING! That is worse than a slap in the face!

So, while the math nuts hang out, crunch numbers and don't spend money on huge desk-size calculators, I will enjoy my fascinating, and often foul-mouthed vocabulary, while I count on my fingers & use my calculator to multiple 4X12.

Often, it's the words we use that make us the person we are.

Well, dung!