Helk! Helk! Can you hear me Helk?!

Me and My Brit-Brit

One of my best friends Brittany is getting a puppy. I am happy for her. While I had an overwhelming urge for one of my own a while back, the feeling has passed. I now want a cat. I don't want a cat right at this moment. I'm quite happy to live with my children (animals) for the next few months, and then maybe adopt a little creature of the feline variety. We'll see...

So back to Brittany, or Brit as I like to call her... Brit's puppy-to-be is blind. Poor pup. He's rather cute. He's a bit too young for Brit to bring home, so she has conjugal visits with him now and again (:P). The bad thing is the pup isn't only blind, he's deaf too (and Brittany will have no idea with a conjugal visit entails or means for that matter.:P). I suggested naming the dog Helen Keller. Brittany was not so keen on this name choice due to the fact that the pup is in fact a boy. So I suggested Helk (short for the lovely Helen)... I think it's rather discreet, unless you know the reasoning behind the name, and it really doesn't matter what in the hell ya call the damn dog, cause he's can't hear your damn calls or read your blessed lips anyway. Bless his little heart.

Arm Candy

Later this evening, on our girls' night out, Brit broke the news that she would be getting a different puppy now. Helk will be going to live with a woman who will take him to nursing homes, etc. as a therapy dog. I will not mention the comments I made regarding this dog labor, due to upsetting the general, not so easily-amused public. It was quite funny though (to those of us with sick minds). Let's just say it had something to do with the dog not knowing where in the hell he is at the moment, is going in the future or has been in the past. What a sad puppy life. I realize that people manage to adapt to their surroundings and limitations (I am living proof!), but jeez!

Now don't think I'm evil. These are just my own very distorted, disturbed thoughts. I love pups and dogs. I happen to love blind dogs, deaf dogs, dumb dogs, evil dogs, loving dogs, shmooshy-faced dogs, poofy dogs, rat-looking dogs, mini-me dogs, striped dogs, spotted dogs, plain jane dogs, slut dogs, male-whore dogs, rabbit-chasing dogs, lap-swimming dogs, scrap-eating dogs, kid-friendly dogs, crotch-sniffing dogs, boot-eating dogs... but the one thing I can't stand? Poop-licking dogs. Anyone or anything who will eat their own dung? Disgusting! So if you partake in poo, you are not on my friends list. Delete me from your Facebook, your contacts, your life... cause I don't roll that way ;)The Innocents...

Brit, take good care of your dog with 5 senses. I pray Helk will have a beautiful life... *stifling very rude comments*... I wonder if laser surgery has been tested on dogs? Everything else has...

:P

Cryptic, I know.

Until next time,
Kell ;)

Poop on You

This has been a rather interesting weekend. I took Friday and today off to allow myself a much-needed short-little-teeny-tiny vacation. I realized I have been going full speed ahead since long before we moved into the new house. I haven't had much down time, and I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing, peaceful long weekend. I forgot something important in this cozy little plan...

I have kids.

The crazy train came right along, picked us up for a mini-holiday, and I've been riding the rails & bumps all damn weekend. It's one of those stay-cool-or-you'll-haul-off-and-hit-something-or-worse-yet-someone long weekends, where the kids are literally playing tug-of-war over a stupid little pirate eye patch, sticking out their evil little tootsies just to trip one another on purpose, and screaming at the top of their lungs because they want the pizza man to bring pizza... noooo, homemade pizza just won't do.

Another factor I didn't take into consideration before my spa-like lovely weekend was the fact that we were having a yard sale Friday & Saturday. For future reference, I plan to write myself a hate note scolding myself for having a yard sale two weeks after a big move, and threatening myself that if I ever do plan a yard sale again, I just may have a nervous breakdown, and the insane asylum will be quick to follow.

The pricing was the worst. I had no help, which I won't get into, and the pricing process took a total of 5+ hours, and I'm a damn fast pricer! I'd truly be an asset to the retail world, with my nervous energy and my fast-paced talky ways. Any chance those retailers ever had of me coming to work for them, they are long gone. The yard sale did me in.

We made decent money. We sold quite a bit, and have shit-loads of crapola still sitting in the garage. The rest will be donated. That makes me feel a little better about the psychosis behind having a sale in the yard/driveway. If you think about it, the whole idea is quite odd. I won't get into that now... displaying your crap for the whole neighborhood to see is a blog post in itself.

My friend Candise came to help me with the sale. The actual sitting and selling was quite fun. Our most interesting customer showed up in a huge blonde hair piece, an off the shoulder shirt with her bra straps hanging out proudly, a tiny little skirt and silver sequins shoes, which would have rivaled Dorothy's if they were red. Not only did she saunter around the sale looking quite delirious (she had obviously had work done... bad work), at one point she answered her cell phone and proceeded to say "there ain't no one prissier than me". It was awesome! I wanted to take her picture, get her autograph, interview this large woman with enough self-esteem to fill North America. But I didn't. I just stared at her with fascination. I'm sure she thought I was checking her out. After all, who could resist this hunka hotness?

Anyway, today was house-cleaning day. I slept in (thank you Joel!), and then woke up full of spunk and energy. I banished my lovely children and husband to the basement, as to not be disturbed (except for kids screaming at me from the basement and Rock Band playing at alarmingly high call-the-police volumes). I managed to clean the entire house (minus the basement of course) and get some laundry moved from the dirty mountain to the clean mountain.

The hardwood floors are decidedly very difficult to keep clean. I treated myself by buying a Swiffer Sweeper yesterday. Thank God for Swiffer! I already have the Wet Jet (although I can't find the pads right now), and believe it is one of the best inventions I've been introduced to! Brooming and dust-panning are not my thing. I think sweeping is a big stupid waste of valuable time. But the Sweeper is actually fun :) I zipped around the house today, and managed to sweep the entire upstairs before this little perfect piece of machinery finally died of exhaustion.

Among the other events which made up my weekend... I dropped my cell phone in the toilet. Mind you, I have been wanting a new cell phone desperately, but I would have never went to the extreme to dropping my old, ugly, stupid cell phone into poop water. Baby poop, water and cell phones do not mix, just so you don't make the same mistake. I was phoneless for 12 hours, and thought I could die from loneliness. Joel was out for the night, the kids eventually went to bed, and I was at a loss. Not even my computer could keep me occupied and happy. What if I had to call 911? Oh my God, I forgot to tell my mom something! Jeesh, I can't even text my texting buddy... what ever will I do?

Well yesterday, Joel and I meandered into Verizon, and I upgraded to a beautiful pink, shiny Blackberry Curve. I'm falling in love with it. There is no way I will ever learn all of the ins and outs, but the whole idea of having my email, facebook, messanger and countless other apps at my beckon call.... priceless!

Because the phones were buy-one-get-one-free, Joel wound up with a free Blackberry (though he opted out of the pink). He loves it just as much, although he wouldn't admit in the beginning that he wanted one. When the guy said "free" he perked up a bit. I'm afraid I will have to watch for him to make sure he isn't about to run into a pole while walking, or a dog while driving... he's rather lovey-dovey with his phone as well.

So, the crazy train weekend is quickly coming to a close. The twins start preschool Wednesday. I took the day off work, so I can take them, cry, pick them up, cry some more... and spend the rest of the day wallowing in self-pity. My babies are getting old.

I hope you had a nice weekend. I hope you didn't have a yard sale. I hope you shipped your kids off to Grandma's and I hope you were graced with the presence of a hot-shot hunka-burnin-love.

Until next time... just shoot me.

Kell ;)

When Life Throws Poop at You, Finger Paint!

"When Life Throws Poop at You, Finger Paint!" -by Me.

This isn't a new topic that no one has never mulled over. In fact, I've learned that, in every day life, a lot of folks discuss dung. You know, BM, @n@l ooze, diarrhea, etc. Whatever type and no matter you may call it, there is a whole lot of poop-talk going on in this world.

If you work in geriatrics like I do, poop is a constant discussion. People either poop too much, don't poop enough, can't poop at all or play with their poop. That's just how it is.

As I've mentioned before, it's a bit glorifying to know that famous people poop on the same thrones we do... no one is exempt. That fact should make you happy! Famous folks get gas pains, poop bubbles, runs and turtle heads just like the rest of us! Yep! On the set of a movie, Brad Pitt may just have to run to the chamber pot and drop a load... cool, huh?

If you live on a farm or work with animals, poop is also always on the daily to-do list. Dung can be absurdly funny if you have an open mind. Horse apples, for instance. Seriously... you don't find that term to be fanatically funny? If not, you may not enjoy the list below. If so, read on... this just might make you snort a little... it worked for me!

I will start with the somewhat funny & move to the outrageously hilarious:

Poop Terms:

An Artifact: Mostly solid poop appearing to be normal at first glance. Once flushed, however, fecal remnants attach to the bottom of the toilet for the next pooper to discover. (Admit it, this has happened to you! I take pride in knowing it has happened to each & every one of us!)

Before I move on, I have to throw this out there, because I've always wondered. Do models who do not eat and/or regurgitate their food, actually poop? Something to ponder. If one doesn't eat, does one defecate? Hmmm...

Moving on...

Cabbage Poo: This is poop which comes out of the bum green. (I have noticed that grape Koolaid causes this type of dung in many children, and most adults.)

Cajun Poo: Poo that burns on the way out of the bum...

Cantaloupe Poo: A turd that is as wide as it is long, and makes a huge splash once it hits the toilet. (Think of it like little divers... that can really, really cause an ouchie.)

Ghost Poo: Poo that disappears once it hits the toilet. Kind of haunts ya... wondering where it disappeared to...

Salad Shooter: A form of loose poop that sprays out of your bunghole at a fast & furious pace.
(Think of Heidi Klum... yep, I bet she has had a spray or two in her lifetime...)

Spaghetti Poo: Turds that are so smooth and thin, they actually curl in the bowl. (Meatballs, anyone?)

Underachiever Poo: Poo that is so small, it wasn't worth pooing at all. (In moments like these, skid marks may be a back-up plan... perfect if you are driving down the road, and you just don't feel like wiping with a leaf.)

And my very favorite poop term, which I have never heard of or contemplated before this evening:

Upper Deck: This is where you take the top off of the back of the toilet and poop in the reserved water so that the poop is trapped. Every time the toilet is flushed afterwards the toilet will be filled up with fresh poo water. (This is so hilariously disgusting... I can't imagine ever doing this, but if you really don't like someone in your family, or someone at work, I suppose it could be great fun! Just remember... you'd have to have a very sick mind to pull this off...)

Now, onto poop synonyms. I have heard a lot of hilarious turd terms over the years. Here are some that have stuck with me (LOL) and some newbies I intend to use for years to come...

Poop Synonyms:
-Drop the kids off at the pool (my husband uses this term often)
-Drop anchor (I like this one... a lot!)
-Drive the Browns to the SuperBowl (New one for me... I plan to share this with my friends who are Cleveland Browns fans)
-Pinch a loaf (I find this phrase to be extremely gross, but after reading this blog post (if you've made it this far), you probably don't believe a word I say about all things disgusting...
-I have a turtle head pokin' out (Wicked giggles)
-Growing a tail (hehehe... imagine a grape Koolaid poo combined with a spaghetti poo...)

If you have other pooping synonyms, feel free to share them in the comments section.

I'm truly not sure how this poopy post will go over... after reading message boards related to poop, I've noticed that many people have a bur up their butts when it comes to dung talk. I warned you... hehehehehe....

Another poop quote:
"It might do the world some good if those with poop predicaments would start logging their logs" -also by Me.

On a side note, I want everyone to know that this topic idea did not come out of thin air (like a ghost poo)... the baby has pooped SO many times today, it has been utterly impossible NOT to think about poopy-butts.

If you have a sick, deranged, grossly twisted mind like I do... you completely get this, and won't have anything but sickeningly funny comments to add.

If you are a nose-pinching snoot, guess what? We know you poo, too! You can run but you can't hide! We know you have the best dung-drops of em all...

Oh Poop, I gotta run...



Resources:
http://www.workpoop.com/glossary.html
http://www.maclife.com/forums/topic/45074

Celebrities Poop

Celebrities poop. It makes me so happy. Earlier today I was reading a wonderful blog post from the one and only Jason Mraz. He was sharing a comical tale about his accidental fart in the gym. Jason referred to his fart as the escape artist, and talked about the many amps that were being pushed through a 1" speaker. The entire blog had me in happy tears.

Sometimes when I'm down, I enjoy thinking about the fact that famous folks do the same things we normal folks do... poop, fart, pick our noses, burp, pee in the shower... kudos to Jason for admitting his imperfections, and for helping us to realize that celebrities are just people... hot, talented people, but people all the same.

Now let's get back to peeing in the shower. I turned the radio to a popular morning show on my way to work this past week. The morning crew was talking about Kelly Clarkson, and her admittance to peeing in the shower. I did some research and found out this information came from Blender magazine. I know the article disgusted a lot of people. Now when they look at Kelly, all they will see is a stream of pee running down her leg.

I laughed when I heard about the article... not because I think Kelly's admission was disgusting, but because I was so amused that a celebrity admitted to doing something most people have done or do on a regular basis.

Yep, I'm admitting to the world that I have peed in the shower. I see it as killing two birds with one stone. I have also picked my nose. I've seen many, many people do the same... even you folks who roll your eyes and turn bright red when someone you know farts or burps. You probably pick your noses and pass gas through that ass more than anyone else. What is that saying? It's always the quiet ones...

I tend to find solace in the fact that "sexy" Elizabeth Hurley sits on the same toilets we do. I also think it is absolutely fantastic that Jason Mraz is proud of his flatulence at the gym. It puts the whole celebrity versus non-celebrity gap into perspective.

I hope next time you are feeling blue, you will visualize Patrick Dempsey picking his nose on the race track (in my mind, that's still hot!), or Britney Spears picking a wedge after a visit to the ladies room. It's very therapeutic!