Mingling with the Skinnies, the Hotties & the Snotties

So last night was my husband's annual awards ceremony. Most of you know that my hubby is a deputy sheriff. He has been a cop for 3 1/2ish years now and I have never felt quite openly received at these events. Joel tells me he feels the same way. I wonder if everyone does...

Anyway, we showed up last night *right on time* with kids in tow... it was a family affair. We would all mingle with the other deputies, wives and children, as well as the sheriff, lieutenants and the many other persons of importance. We would then all eat dinner together and mingle some more, followed by the annual awards ceremony.

During the ceremony, the children would all play in the gym, under the watchful eye of a few dedicated adults while the wives would escape with their brave husbands to watch them win prestigious awards earned throughout the previous year. My husband was expecting to receive the Mother's Against Drunk Driving (MADD) Award this year, as he had pulled over and properly punished the most drunks (or as I like to call them worthless drunk losers) for the year of 2008. Although I felt a bit out of place, as usual, I was glad to be there for him! If nothing else, Joel should at the very least receive a faithful husband award, which was a lot more than most of the other men in his field can say. I am so blessed to have a faithful, cop husband!

I must do a U-turn and tell you that each year I make a huge deal out of what I will wear to this 'casual' event. There is one particular wife that is stunning. She is literally 'make your tongue wag' gorgeous. The guys stare. The girls envy. The husband parades her. The other cops wish they could. She and her husband have several children, and she literally has a completely flawless body, and a perfect face to match. I believe she recently had a boob job, which bring my perfect *10*opinion of her down a quarter of a notch, but she is absolutely, amazingly beautiful. I actually went to school with her, and she was just as pretty then. The guys have always loved her. The girls all love hating her. That's just how it is.

So, anyway... back to my outfit. I knew I wanted to wear something that appeared to be an ensemble I had just grabbed out of the closet. In all honesty, my mother took me shopping two nights before the event. We found incredibly flattering jeans and a complimentary blouse I was completely happy with. It took me about an hour and a half to get ready. I curled my hair carefully, paid extra special attention to my makeup and lubed on the Amber Romance lotion. I felt pretty darn good. I wanted to soak it in, because I knew that as soon as I ran into the hot wife, I would once again feel like a frumpy, uncool, blubbering, red-headed blob.

So Joel mingled with his co-workers (including hot wife and her cop husband... who, did I mention, is not AT ALL hot and very chauvinistic?) while I sat entertaining the children. I encouraged them to go play. They finally did, but less than five minutes later I heard Abbi screaming at the top of her lungs in terror, like she does at home when she can't find a Barbie shoe or one of the boys is playing with her enchanted princess cash register. Hot wife looked over at me and said "Kelly...", as if I hadn't heard the drama coming toward me. "What's wrong Abbi?" I asked as she ran toward me with full-on tears streaming down her face. "I couldn't find you! Where did you go?" Mind you, I had been sitting in the same exact spot the entire 4 minutes and 45 seconds the kids had been playing. This was only the beginning of our drama.

The kids sat through dinner unpredictably calm and well-behaved. I was proud! Joel was talking to his co-workers about his triumph over cigarette smoking. I was even more proud of him! At one point, one of his cop friends asked how Joel had been since he had quit. Without thinking I responded by saying, "he's been a big jerk." The cop friends seemed to think that was humurous, but when I looked down at an older lady sitting further down the table, I realized I had apparently made this statement pretty loudly, because she stared at me in horror. I smiled sweetly at her.

We finished dinner and mingled a little more. I have to tell you.. there really was not much mingling going on on my part. At one point a lieutenant came over to say hello. He started to push back the chair next to mine to sit down, but decided against it. I thought maybe I had a green bean stuck between my two front teeth from dinner. I attempted smiling at him with my mouth closed and immediately cursed myself for not brining my little flosser my best friend Anne had introduced me to. A few minutes later I was tidying the area around me when I looked down at that chair to find a huge glob of mashed potatoes on the edge of it. I started laughing uncontrollably. If anyone had been watching me, they would've though Deputy Thorpe truly had an insane wife. I couldn't quit laughing. That lieutenant hadn't sat down to engage in conversation with me because of a miniature mound of taters!!!I was still laughing when Joel brought in our coats for the awards ceremony. I was happy to oblige him and move on to a more structured environment where we were expected not to talk.

We explained to the kids that we would be back in a few minutes. Abbi started sobbing... again. I explained to her that I needed to go support Daddy and I would be back soon. Soon wasn't good enough. She continued to blubber. I decided to play tough Mommy and told her I WAS going and I'd be back. I started to walk out the door, and I heard her sobbing uncontrollably. I heard a woman ask her what her Mommy's name was. OH MY GOD! Give me a freaking break! So I went back into the gym and played with about thirty children while my kids played happily. I imagined Joel's name being called and him striding to the podium proudly as he graciously accepted his award. But instead of watching that awing moment, I watched children hitting one another on the head with basketballs, falling off stilts, trampling dress-up clothes, tripping over bowling balls, but mainly I watched my children playing on the fact that Mom had stayed to play because they hadn't LET me go with Daddy. I was pissed. I admit it.

To top the whole damn thing off Joel didn't receive an award. They didn't even present a MADD award at all. Joel tells me that at the end of the ceremony, the sheriff said that they had worked hard not to exclude anyone and not to forget any awards, and to speak up if anything was missed. Joel said he thought it would have sounded petty for him to bring up his achievement. Maybe it was a blessing (for Joel) that I wasn't in there. I would have had a very difficult time not speaking up on behalf of my husband.

Speaking of blessings, Joel received a cop Bible for his continued service... something we will need many times throughout the coming year, I'm sure.

On our way home the kids begged me to never attempt to leave them again. I pretended not to hear, as preschool is coming up in a few months. I'm pretty sure they won't allow me to tag along every day.

To my husband...

YOU deserved that MADD award AND the Bible!!!

To my kids... YOU probably saved Mommy from making a complete ass out of herself!!!

To hot wife... YOU have inspired me to put down the cookies and the barbecue chips and to be only 30-40lbs heavier than you next year at the awards banquet, as opposed to 70ish.

Thank you all for your inspiration!