Tactical... When to Shoot, When to Smile & When to Shut Up... a user's guide to being less-evil

Thank You.

That is my baby's favorite word right now. Give him a piece of paper to color on. Thank You. Change his poopy butt. Thank You. Give him a kiss before bed. Thank You Mom. He'll even yell to me, I'll look over and he'll just say Thank You. It's amazingly adorable, and it makes me feel really, really good.

It doesn't make me happy just because it is so freakin' cute! It amuses me knowing that we, as his parents, have taught him that saying Thank You is not only the right thing to do... it often receives a reaction.

Manners. My 4 1/2 year old twins are lacking compared to Logan. Logan is just a thanker. I truly hope he knows what Thank You means, and he doesn't just love me ogling over him when he says it. Just now... "Mom... marker"... I give him the marker... "Thank You".... and although he will most-likely miss the paper and draw on our graffiti-inspired table, or possibly even the living room carpet (also creatively decorated), he can get away with a lot more... all because of manners.

That brings me to our Walmart greeters. I'm not going to stereotype by saying they are all evil, but let's face the facts, some of them... many of them... are. My husband has befriended a Meijer greeter. Meijer must require smiles during interviews, and they must make sure that the people applying are physically able to pull a single cart out of the herd of carts they are in charge of.

Greeters have several jobs... I realize this... they must un-herd carts (optional), smile (very optional with the likelihood of a smirk or a twitch being 28%), pretend like they care (only if they have time during their shift) and put little stickers of returned merchandise. Sticker-time is the perfect time to feel them out... not feel them up... unless they are hot... and see if they are even capable of engaging in conversation.

One of the pet peeves (near the top) of my increasingly long list of annoyances is people who are paid to greet. I can't tell you how many times I've greeter a Walmart greeter and they haven't greeted back. It pisses me off.

Side Note: Just now Logan asked for water. I gave it to him. Thank You.

So many people need employment right now. I realize Walmart greeters probably make minimum wage, if not only free fountain drinks and pretzel rods. This is no excuse. When you are hired in to greet, you should greet. And management should enforce a niceness policy. The problem is... often management is even pissier than the pissy greeters. Jerk faces!

I'm not only picking on Walmart employees. I also don't appreciate it when we walk into a nice restaurant and the bulimic bleach-blonde, tanned-to-the-hilt 'greeter' gives us the once over, and without speaking, leads us to a table, only to say in a whiny, bitchy voice, "your server will be right with you" ... my response? "I hope he/she is nicer than you... it's a good thing you don't get the tips, cause you'd be one broke bitc.... oh, never mind"...

I grew up on niceness. Mom was always very polite... too polite at times. She admits that now. She finally got sick of people walking all over her. Mom is very assertive today. She is a manager, as am I, and we are both likeably assertive. I've also learned not to let people walk on me, and I love the fact that it's okay to be firm and still be fun! Firmly fun. Hehe!

My whole point is... there is no point in being pissy with the world. Bad days happen. People suck on certain days and then they get better. Bad things happen... mostly to good people. A day of evilness now & then is allowed... but every freakin' day? Seriously! How do you make that okay in your mind? How do you wake up and say "I'm hateful. I will be evil and pissy with as many people as possible today"... that is what we call the reverse of affirmations... assirmations. Say these things in your mirror every morning, and they will make people think you are a complete ass. Feel free to print the following if you need added asspiration... inspiration for mean people:

1) I suck. My life sucks. My job sucks. If I am mean to people, maybe I can make them suck, too!

2) YAY ME! I woke up bitchy for the 120th day in a row! I think I'll shave my legs and cut myself on purpose so I can bitch about it all day.

3) Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms.

4) If life were a porno, I'd be the 'go get me a bagel' boy, sent to run errands during every good scene.

5) Bad hair day, my boobs are sagging, I have missing teeth, the teeth I do have are green with fungus. I should go to my greeter job with a scowl on my face and my pistol carefully concealed... and pray I get to use it.

These are only a few of my favorite assirmations. Please email me for more information on learning to be an ass.

In all seriousness, I pride myself on being nice. Yes, there are days when I don't want to smile. I have even been known to yell at people for making me laugh or smile, after promising myself I wouldn't. Some days just suck. All days don't.

People don't deserve what you mean people put them through. The ultimate evil? Talking about someone behind their back and then being polite to their face. Ooooh, you have your own set of assirmations.... you are the ultimate evil.

The good news is, if you are an ass, an evil greeter or just a loather of everyone, including yourself, there is hope. Follow these simple steps and you cannot go wrong:

1) I am a hateful person. I am paid to greet people. If I don't be kind, I'll get fired and stomped upon. (Scare tactic... use regularly for consistent friendliness)

2) I suck. People know that. So if I even smile a little bit, people will wonder what in the hell is wrong with me and talk to me. (The glass is half full tactic. In all honesty, people may be scared half to death if you smile, and run far, far away)

3) People love me. They really, really love me. (The lie tactic... people really don't love you, but it's healthy for you to be delusional)

4) Although I have bad hair, sagging boobs, "summer" teeth and green fungus teeth, there is someone out there for everyone. (The wishful thinking tactic... you are wrong, but bonus! You went from self-loathing to self-loving. Enjoy that, cause that's the only lovin' you're gonna get!)

5) I might never be liked, but at least I'll try. (The Feel-Sorry-For-Yourself Tactic... people still won't like you, but at least you gave it a shot little buddy)

I hope these tricks, tactics, truths and assirmations have helped you in some way. I hope that if you are paid to be nice to people, you will try that. It's a shame that the nice folks have to sit at home and job hunt like an Amish man who hasn't eaten in a week.

Out with the hateful 'greeters' and in with the new.

It was a pleasure serving you today... visit us again soon. (The I don't really mean it but they pay me to say it so I will tactic)

Nailing, Screwing & Glass Licking...

I can never find a hammer. Our laundry room is full of pictures & doo-dads I wanna hang up. I procrastinate, not only because I think it's incredibly frustrating to hang a picture & it quickly becomes crooked, but also because of the fact that the hammer is never anywhere to be found.

Losing things happens a lot around here. I can never find my glasses. I can't tell you how many times I've vowed to put them in the same spot... it just doesn't happen. It's a bit ironic, really... blind girl looking for glasses which make her not quite so blind.

Feeling for them is more like it. It's really too bad glasses don't have a scent. I suppose scratch n' sniff glasses would be pointless, since one would have to find them to scratch them to sniff them. Hmm... that covers three of the senses. I guess taste is out. Licking around for anything just doesn't sound fun unless you are under the influence or in hot, steamy mode... though I have known some to enjoy a good glass licking (see above photo).

I won't even mention hearing... that would just be weird... talking glasses. Actually, it could be fun... after pondering... imagine your glasses yelling "YOU SUCK" or "Lick Me Baby" at a particular time each morning. Alarm clock glasses. Man, I could totally patent this stuff!

Back to the hammering now, cause I like that subject... the children know that I'm always hammer-less. I know right where the screws & nails are. I don't screw as much as I nail.. I prefer nailing for sure.

Aiden, bless his little heart, has offered me his plastic hammer from his tool kit on occasion. Last time he offered, I thought "why not?" ... it worked. It mis-shaped the plastic a little, but it did do the job. I've also been known to use random household items to nail something.. a can of peaches (no puncture wounds to report), the 'other end' of a screwdriver (why is it that the driver is always nearby?) and a baby doll head (no rude comments please... the plastic was VERY hard and the doll's head remained intact).

Other items I lose consistently include, but are not limited to:

-My cell phone

-My keys

-Brain cells

-Money

-As of late, my ass, thankfully :)

-Shoes (seriously, who loses shoes?)

-My kids (KIDDING!)

-Respect (for comments made, such as the one above) ;)

I'm going to set a goal to spend less time looking for things. Rather than having to trouble myself with putting things in their own little place, if I lose my glasses, I'll just go blind and pray I don't hit anyone or sign my life away. If I continue to lose the hammer, I'll just start screwing instead. If my keys are missing, I'll just steal the neighbor's motorcycle. If I lose my shoes, I'll wear my Betty Boop slippers and if I lose those, I'll stop at the nail salon... barefoot... and ask if I can get a pair of those pretty disposable pedicure thongs. If I lose my kids, I'll be thankful for a little vacation. If I lose my phone, you can't bother me. If I continue to lose brain cells, right on! ... I'll be even more closed off from the dark realities of this world... and if I lose respect, that's okay, cause I won't have the brain power to comprehend any of it.

To all of you fellow losers out there, let's drink to that! I'm buyin' a round of test tube 'skittles' shots all around...

And I wonder where my money goes...

Scooters and Selfishness

Read ahead for the okay to be a selfish person...

Well, Joel has the kids outside. They have been anxiously awaiting scooter-time all day! Grammy & Papa got them the cutest scooters for Easter. Logan's is a Radio Flyer, Aiden's is Spiderman & Abbi's is Disney Princesses... imagine that!

I love this, because I can watch them out the window, and see their happiness from a distance, but I'm also free to indulge in some Kelly time! It's priceless.

I was talking to someone the other day (they shall remain nameless), and this person mentioned how women can be so self-centered... spoiling themselves with extracurriculars, such as pedicures, nights out with the girls, massages, shopping after work, etc. I kept sitting there thinking, 'that is how I keep myself sane'... but I didn't say it. I just said that we all need some pampering time... some time for us.

The economy being the way it is has put a halt to some of those extracurriculars, but I still think it is so important for we, as women, to find time for ourselves, and to truly enjoy it. I'm not saying that the time we spend with our kids is not truly enjoyable... it is... but the small things we do for ourselves are the primary reasons we have happiness to share... with our kids, our spouses, our friends, etc.

Here is a list of some of the things I do for myself. Selfish or not, I truly believe they make me a more enjoyable person to be around!

1) I have my nails done every 3-4 weeks and my toes done on occasion.

2) I read... a lot. I love to read in bed with a mound of pillows and big, fluffy blankets!

3) I listen to music... a lot! I burn CD's and have music for any kind of mood. Music is one of my outlets.

4) I write. Since starting my book, and my blog, I find it to be amazingly therapeutic and fun! And the fact that people are actually interested enough to read it is a major ego boost! (so don't stop reading, k?) :)

5) I collect Betty Boop and Hello Kitty goodies. Thanks to my friend Anne, my entire desk area at work is decorated with a Betty Boop theme. It makes me happy to walk in to the activity room each day I have to work!

6) I sing. I have a karaoke page on MySpace and it is the primary reason I leave my account open. I absolutely love to sing!

7) I Facebook. It's a great way to keep in contact (or to get back into contact) with friends from school. It's also a fabulous gossip chain, whether subscribers like to admit it or not. :)

8) I enjoy a girls' night out every now & again. Drinks are optional, because we normally act & feel drunk whether we actually are or not.

9) I go on dates with my husband. Just because you get married, you don't have to stop dating ladies!

10) I take a bath when I'm extremely stressed out. A book... candles... the ultimate luxury.

I don't feel guilty (unless money is tight) and I enjoy all of these things so much, I have no desire to give them up. It may make me a little selfish, but I think we should all give ourselves the go-ahead to indulge a bit, and to let ourselves be a little self-centered now and then. Being selfless is a wonderful trait, but what's wrong with being selfless and selfish? Nothing!