Moving Day: Trusted Tips to Get the Job Done

Below are moving tips for the open-minded mover. Since my husband, children & I will be moving in just a couple of weeks, I have researched and racked my brain as to how to pack & move most efficiently. Here is what I've come up with:


-Be optimistic. Every house has a closet, room, attic, basement or garage to hide those items you are too lazy to unpack. Utilize it!

-Enlist lots of help & then take an advanced pole-dancing/stripper class, throw out your back & you won't have to lift any heavy objects. This excuse should only be used once. Otherwise your family & friends will assume you're a sneaky whiner. You are, but they don't need to know that.

-Use your new stripper/pole-dancing skills to get free boxes, moving help & money for the big day. Don't be shy. It's the economy's fault, and no one should feel guilty for bettering themselves by making other people do their work.

-To help pay for moving expenses, have a 21 & older yard sale. Display photos of your posing with your new stripper pole. Remember, you can charge more if you're still crippled. So work it girl!

-When you are packing items you don't really want, but feel you should keep because they were gifts from your mother-in-law or great aunt Nola, pack them neatly, throw them across the room (accidentally of course), mark the box "stuffed animals" and laugh uncontrollably while hitting every pothole you possibly can driving to your lovely new home (if there are no potholes, just drive off the road a few times). You'll be minus a few ugly heirlooms, and you'll have a fabulous excuse when asked why the cock-shaped syrup dispenser is not being displayed in your new kitchen.

-If you are tired of snail mail, when filling out your change of address form, list the address of someone who can't stand you. They don't want to see you, so you'll never see a bill again. Send them a box of half-chewed candy every now & again with no return address to be found. It's the thought that counts... even if the thought is evil.

-Consider having a departure party & a housewarming party. Hold signs and a can stating you will lose your new home if you don't get donations. You're still crippled, so you won't be bothered by people offering you jobs, & this is an excellent way to decorate your new pad.

-If you are single, ask 10-25 hot guys over to your new house for a 'date' and ask them to bring their tool boxes. When they all show up simultaneously, serve Hors'Devours and explain that this date will be similar to an episode of the Bachelorette. Tell the men to decorate your house, but don't tell them how the game is won. In the end, throw out the best decorator... he's probably gay. The winner can be chosen by checking out asses while the men do their work. Pow! Decorated house!

-Invite your new neighbors over for tea. Spike it. You'll get the juiciest neighborhood gossip, and you'll be known for having the best tea parties.

-Hire a 5-year old to clean your old house (you know you don't wanna go back). Tell them you pay by the age per hour. If you're really poor, and your stripper skills are not paying off, a 2-year old may be more feasible. Tell them they only have 5 hours to complete the job. Ten bucks baby! Now, if you're REALLY, REALLY poor, offer to pay them with a ring pop and a can of Mt. Dew. Maybe even throw in a baby doll head. Tell them they can have the body if they agree to be your new gardener. Continue breaking toys in half until all of your odd jobs are complete.

That concludes this edition of Moving Day. Please check back for more money and time-saving tips. Happy Moving!

Weighty

So I've been watching what I eat. I haven't been exercising lately, due to not feeling well. In all honesty, for about a week I didn't have an appetite, which greatly boosted my weight loss efforts. I lost 6lbs that week. Unfortunately my appetite is back in full swing, and I'm finding it much more difficult to 'watch what I eat' now that I'm focused on it. I've lost 16lbs total, and I don't care to share how long I've been attempting to shave off that very small tip of my incredibly overwhelming iceberg.

Back in 2001 I lost a little over 72lbs on Weight Watchers. I greatly enjoyed the process, and managed to break out of my comfort zone to become a Weight Watchers leader after losing my weight. Leading the meetings, I believe, is when I truly began to get to know myself. I had always been a bit of a funny hermit. I enjoyed going out with friends, and often made them laugh, but I also found great joy in avoiding life, not answering the telephone and living in my awkward state of confusion.

After losing my weight, and leading the WW meetings for about 2 years, my focus changed, and Joel & I began trying for a baby. I remember I was working down in Columbus at the Weight Watchers corporate office one day when one of the seasoned, very prominant leaders and motivational speakers called me into the conference room and asked me what was going on with my weight. I stared at her in disbelief. Sure, I had gained a few of my pounds back, but I was nowhere near my start weight, and I still looked damn good. She had no idea that, behind the scenes, Joel & I were having fertility problems, and I was a nervous wreck, peeing on sticks constantly, only to be disappointed month after month. Her words stung, and obviously, six years later, I still remember that conversation like it was yesterday. I sat there patiently, and then told her we were trying to get pregnant with no success. She didn't get it. It was all about how you looked in front of the group. How motivational could I be if I had gained 5 or 10lbs?! How obvious that would be to my loyal members. I was quite certain they wouldn't quit attending their weekly meeting, full of friends and encouragement, to find a leader that was a bit thinner than me. Looking back, it is quite amusing. Back then, it was not.

Many months, positions and legs in the air later, we found out we were finally having a baby. I was still working down at the corporate office, and leading a few meetings a week. Although you are not supposed to follow the program while pregnant, I continued to lead the meetings. My members still didn't quit. I guess my huge, beautiful pregnant belly was not a motivation killer for them. I was so extremely sick I actually didn't gain much weight throughout my pregnancy. I threw up the entire 9 months. I blamed it on the fact that I was actually pregnant with twins, but after having another sickly pregnancy 2 years later (a singleton this time), I realized I'm just not very good at being pregnant! I now realize that is why God blessed me with 2 at once. He didn't want me to have to go through that over and over again.

I quit working at the Weight Watchers corporate office shortly after I became pregnant the first time. I can only imagine the comments I would have received regarding my weight from my 'motivational' friend at almost full-term, with nearly 13lbs of baby in my belly!

After I gave birth to the twins, I lost a lot of weight. Then, more quickly than I could have ever imagined in a million years, it came right back! I have been struggling with this ever since.

When I started Weight Watchers again a couple of months ago, I felt that same motivation. Although my circumstances are much different now (3 kiddos four and under, a full-time, often stressful job and making our marriage a priority while working different shifts), I knew I was ready to get back to it, and look at my weight loss journey as a more positive experience this time. No one would be hounding me (except me) and I would take it in stride. I even started another blog, dedicated to my journey. I soon realized that keeping up with one blog was quite enough. After all, I am the girl who buys beautiful journals, writes in them for a week, and then every few months, only to give up and buy a new journal, promising to get to bed earlier each night so I just might have the energy to reflect on my day, and jot down a wonderful story, which would later become a bestseller!

My motivation comes and goes now. I have a great urge to find the thin body within my fatter body again. I remember looking so good, and still feeling fat. I won't make that mistake again. Just this week, a resident at work asked me if I was losing weight (at high volume in front of several others). I answered honestly, and said 'yes I am' proudly, rather than making some snide remark like I would have my first time around. He then went on to tell me that his sister had also noticed. WOW! What a compliment! A good friend I work with also asked me, in that same week, if I had lost weight. I've decided to soak in the compliments and let my chest fill up with pride this time! Why not? I have heard enough put-downs and jerk-face remarks for a lifetime! Plus, the puffier my chest gets, the less you will notice my iceberg belly!

Although it may take me a long, long time to lose what I wish to lose, I know, through this experience, I will gain a better perspective and learn (even more) to be thankful for my amped-up view of life and living.

I posted a new picture above my original 'Red' picture on here, because I see a bit of a change in my face. I am seeing a shape form... a nice shape... replacing that beach ball shape. How fabulous! Please know this is my face I'm referring to... my body will take a bit to catch up!

I know, I know... it's only 16lbs (I refuse to round down to 15). I would like to lose a much larger amount, and need to, as I long to fit into some of my most beautiful, Kelly-ish clothing again. I'm just taking it a day at a time... no promises to blog on this tomorrow.... or ever again... but tonight it's on my mind, so I'm putting it out there! Sooner or later, I'll have much less to 'put out there'. You just wait & see!

Later on...

Where Do You Rank? (And Do You Really Care?)

Our hours are 'cut' at work right now. I often start to complain, and then stop myself and walk away mid-sentence, trying not to succumb to the downward spiral that is workplace drama. I enjoy drama. I enjoy hearing about it from a distance. I DO NOT enjoy being a part of it.

I realize that I am blessed to have a job. Masses of people are being laid off and let go by their employers, and in my humble opinion, it's due to asinine decision-making. I pray our new president will help us out of this horrific mess. He sure seems to want to bring change and betterment for our country. The transformations that need to take place will take years to perfect. How did we become a nation of chaos, anyway? How did it get so bad?

So, jumping to a completely unrelated topic, yesterday morning, I was sitting at my desk. My head was ready to explode from workplace overload when my boss came in with a pretty, sparkling gadget. She said, "this is for the activity room." I looked at it for a minute, and said, "thank you!" I wasn't sure what it was for, but I was sure I could find a use for it. I then went on to tell her how very pretty it was. She looked at me blankly. Did I sense a slight hint of amusement in her eyes? Um... maybe.

Please understand... my desk looks like it ran into the BettyBoop section of a drug store in 1930 (thanks to my best buddy Anne). Along with old Betty is a boa, many pretty, fluffy pens, pictures in delightful frames and enough adorable post-its and other notepads to furnish every employee, resident and guest to walk in our building, for a year.

So, circling back, I continue to look at my boss holding this shiny, red gizmo. She said, "Kelly, the activity room is on fire. We are having a fire drill." Although I wasn't "street smart" enough to realize what was going on, I'm sure you are, so I won't go on to explain what the pretty, sparkling gadget was my boss was holding onto. In my crazy, fake-fire manic-state, I walked out of the activity room, completely lost. I felt as if my place of work for a year and three months now was a foreign city. Fire alarm. I had seen that someplace. Where did it go?

I finally found it, and managed to make it make a noise. It sounded pretty loud. I apologized to one of the nurses, who continued to do her work, as if nothing was happening. Hello people! There could be a fire!!! Run! Get everyone out!!! Move it!!! No, I wasn't saying these blurbs aloud, I was thinking them... but I was just about to start shouting when our housekeeping supervisor came up to me, looked at me like I was clinically insane, and said, "Kelly, WHAT are you doing?" I snapped back, "we are having a fire alarm! I set off the fire alarm!" "No you didn't!" she replied, and she closed the plastic cover. The noise stopped, and everyone went along their merry way. This pissed me off. How dare everyone just act like everything was peachy keen when there could be a burning bush or desk, or something worse in the activity room? It took me a couple of minutes to convince our housekeeping supervisor that we were, indeed having a fire alarm. At that point, she illustrated the proper way to set off a fire alarm, and I had waking nightmares of this story being twisted into a hundred and twenty different versions by noon.

Thankfully one of my coworkers also had no idea how to properly set off a fire alarm, so I enjoyed her company in my embarrassment all day. Apparently the plastic cover I had pulled up is just a warning device. If someone pulls that open, it will sound in the immediate area, and will not alert the local fire department. I'm sure I learned all of this in orientation, but that's been quite a while ago, and I have simply forgotten. Plus, in this extreme case of an extremely frightening fake fire, it is quite easy to lose your damn mind! Now I know (again) how to work a fire alarm, and I'm not likely to forget (again) any time soon.

So my best work friend had a bad afternoon yesterday, and I was trying to cheer her up. The entire building had been talking about me throughout the day, and it finally hit me...

How awesome is it that we are newsworthy? People care about the things we do, the things we do not know how to do, the people we associate with and the way we look. If we have a bad day and look terrible... who cares? We're surely being analyzed. And if we make a fool of ourselves now and again, and the entire building finds out about it... that's great! We were in the 'in club' that day!

I don't particularly care if I'm part of any group or club, or if people care what I'm up to or who I spend my hours with. I do feel a pang of satisfaction when I think about it as described above, though. No one should ever feel obsessive or paranoid about what people are saying about them. They should be thankful that people are saying anything at all!