Poop on You

This has been a rather interesting weekend. I took Friday and today off to allow myself a much-needed short-little-teeny-tiny vacation. I realized I have been going full speed ahead since long before we moved into the new house. I haven't had much down time, and I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing, peaceful long weekend. I forgot something important in this cozy little plan...

I have kids.

The crazy train came right along, picked us up for a mini-holiday, and I've been riding the rails & bumps all damn weekend. It's one of those stay-cool-or-you'll-haul-off-and-hit-something-or-worse-yet-someone long weekends, where the kids are literally playing tug-of-war over a stupid little pirate eye patch, sticking out their evil little tootsies just to trip one another on purpose, and screaming at the top of their lungs because they want the pizza man to bring pizza... noooo, homemade pizza just won't do.

Another factor I didn't take into consideration before my spa-like lovely weekend was the fact that we were having a yard sale Friday & Saturday. For future reference, I plan to write myself a hate note scolding myself for having a yard sale two weeks after a big move, and threatening myself that if I ever do plan a yard sale again, I just may have a nervous breakdown, and the insane asylum will be quick to follow.

The pricing was the worst. I had no help, which I won't get into, and the pricing process took a total of 5+ hours, and I'm a damn fast pricer! I'd truly be an asset to the retail world, with my nervous energy and my fast-paced talky ways. Any chance those retailers ever had of me coming to work for them, they are long gone. The yard sale did me in.

We made decent money. We sold quite a bit, and have shit-loads of crapola still sitting in the garage. The rest will be donated. That makes me feel a little better about the psychosis behind having a sale in the yard/driveway. If you think about it, the whole idea is quite odd. I won't get into that now... displaying your crap for the whole neighborhood to see is a blog post in itself.

My friend Candise came to help me with the sale. The actual sitting and selling was quite fun. Our most interesting customer showed up in a huge blonde hair piece, an off the shoulder shirt with her bra straps hanging out proudly, a tiny little skirt and silver sequins shoes, which would have rivaled Dorothy's if they were red. Not only did she saunter around the sale looking quite delirious (she had obviously had work done... bad work), at one point she answered her cell phone and proceeded to say "there ain't no one prissier than me". It was awesome! I wanted to take her picture, get her autograph, interview this large woman with enough self-esteem to fill North America. But I didn't. I just stared at her with fascination. I'm sure she thought I was checking her out. After all, who could resist this hunka hotness?

Anyway, today was house-cleaning day. I slept in (thank you Joel!), and then woke up full of spunk and energy. I banished my lovely children and husband to the basement, as to not be disturbed (except for kids screaming at me from the basement and Rock Band playing at alarmingly high call-the-police volumes). I managed to clean the entire house (minus the basement of course) and get some laundry moved from the dirty mountain to the clean mountain.

The hardwood floors are decidedly very difficult to keep clean. I treated myself by buying a Swiffer Sweeper yesterday. Thank God for Swiffer! I already have the Wet Jet (although I can't find the pads right now), and believe it is one of the best inventions I've been introduced to! Brooming and dust-panning are not my thing. I think sweeping is a big stupid waste of valuable time. But the Sweeper is actually fun :) I zipped around the house today, and managed to sweep the entire upstairs before this little perfect piece of machinery finally died of exhaustion.

Among the other events which made up my weekend... I dropped my cell phone in the toilet. Mind you, I have been wanting a new cell phone desperately, but I would have never went to the extreme to dropping my old, ugly, stupid cell phone into poop water. Baby poop, water and cell phones do not mix, just so you don't make the same mistake. I was phoneless for 12 hours, and thought I could die from loneliness. Joel was out for the night, the kids eventually went to bed, and I was at a loss. Not even my computer could keep me occupied and happy. What if I had to call 911? Oh my God, I forgot to tell my mom something! Jeesh, I can't even text my texting buddy... what ever will I do?

Well yesterday, Joel and I meandered into Verizon, and I upgraded to a beautiful pink, shiny Blackberry Curve. I'm falling in love with it. There is no way I will ever learn all of the ins and outs, but the whole idea of having my email, facebook, messanger and countless other apps at my beckon call.... priceless!

Because the phones were buy-one-get-one-free, Joel wound up with a free Blackberry (though he opted out of the pink). He loves it just as much, although he wouldn't admit in the beginning that he wanted one. When the guy said "free" he perked up a bit. I'm afraid I will have to watch for him to make sure he isn't about to run into a pole while walking, or a dog while driving... he's rather lovey-dovey with his phone as well.

So, the crazy train weekend is quickly coming to a close. The twins start preschool Wednesday. I took the day off work, so I can take them, cry, pick them up, cry some more... and spend the rest of the day wallowing in self-pity. My babies are getting old.

I hope you had a nice weekend. I hope you didn't have a yard sale. I hope you shipped your kids off to Grandma's and I hope you were graced with the presence of a hot-shot hunka-burnin-love.

Until next time... just shoot me.

Kell ;)

Moving Day: Trusted Tips to Get the Job Done

Below are moving tips for the open-minded mover. Since my husband, children & I will be moving in just a couple of weeks, I have researched and racked my brain as to how to pack & move most efficiently. Here is what I've come up with:


-Be optimistic. Every house has a closet, room, attic, basement or garage to hide those items you are too lazy to unpack. Utilize it!

-Enlist lots of help & then take an advanced pole-dancing/stripper class, throw out your back & you won't have to lift any heavy objects. This excuse should only be used once. Otherwise your family & friends will assume you're a sneaky whiner. You are, but they don't need to know that.

-Use your new stripper/pole-dancing skills to get free boxes, moving help & money for the big day. Don't be shy. It's the economy's fault, and no one should feel guilty for bettering themselves by making other people do their work.

-To help pay for moving expenses, have a 21 & older yard sale. Display photos of your posing with your new stripper pole. Remember, you can charge more if you're still crippled. So work it girl!

-When you are packing items you don't really want, but feel you should keep because they were gifts from your mother-in-law or great aunt Nola, pack them neatly, throw them across the room (accidentally of course), mark the box "stuffed animals" and laugh uncontrollably while hitting every pothole you possibly can driving to your lovely new home (if there are no potholes, just drive off the road a few times). You'll be minus a few ugly heirlooms, and you'll have a fabulous excuse when asked why the cock-shaped syrup dispenser is not being displayed in your new kitchen.

-If you are tired of snail mail, when filling out your change of address form, list the address of someone who can't stand you. They don't want to see you, so you'll never see a bill again. Send them a box of half-chewed candy every now & again with no return address to be found. It's the thought that counts... even if the thought is evil.

-Consider having a departure party & a housewarming party. Hold signs and a can stating you will lose your new home if you don't get donations. You're still crippled, so you won't be bothered by people offering you jobs, & this is an excellent way to decorate your new pad.

-If you are single, ask 10-25 hot guys over to your new house for a 'date' and ask them to bring their tool boxes. When they all show up simultaneously, serve Hors'Devours and explain that this date will be similar to an episode of the Bachelorette. Tell the men to decorate your house, but don't tell them how the game is won. In the end, throw out the best decorator... he's probably gay. The winner can be chosen by checking out asses while the men do their work. Pow! Decorated house!

-Invite your new neighbors over for tea. Spike it. You'll get the juiciest neighborhood gossip, and you'll be known for having the best tea parties.

-Hire a 5-year old to clean your old house (you know you don't wanna go back). Tell them you pay by the age per hour. If you're really poor, and your stripper skills are not paying off, a 2-year old may be more feasible. Tell them they only have 5 hours to complete the job. Ten bucks baby! Now, if you're REALLY, REALLY poor, offer to pay them with a ring pop and a can of Mt. Dew. Maybe even throw in a baby doll head. Tell them they can have the body if they agree to be your new gardener. Continue breaking toys in half until all of your odd jobs are complete.

That concludes this edition of Moving Day. Please check back for more money and time-saving tips. Happy Moving!

Quietly Confident

I have a pet peeve. I can't stand it when people talk about how they have the most beautiful face in the world, the cutest hair, the prettiest smile they've ever seen or the cutest toenails. I'm all about affirmations, but I'm more about common courtesy. When you say you have guys falling at your feet, and you look so damn hot, you are... quite honestly... losing respect every time you open your mouth.

I'm not one to complain about these things normally, but enough is enough. I've seen it more and more lately. To me, the most attractive people in the world are those who are quietly confident. They walk with their heads held high, radiate a fabulously beautiful glow and make you want to be part of THAT confident crowd... not the crowd that talks about how their ass looks so hot in their new jeans or their new thong is so sweet and adorable. UGH! Most of us quietly confident folks DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!

I am NOT a quiet person, but I am quite confident.

That brings me to one of my favorite quotes, written by... me!

Quote: Have you ever noticed that the most attractive people can open their mouths & ruin the whole damn thing?

There is a lot to be said for quiet confidence. You will NEVER hear me say how hot my girls look in a bikini top (though it is my dream to be toned enough to wear one!). I'm not judging the people who do build themselves up. I'm just telling ya sometimes your build up feels like a put-down to others.

Suck it in, stick em out, bat those eyes and sigh... I know... You Are It! Ugh!