Friday, November 27, 2009
A Guide to Enjoying the Holidays: The Art of Pissing People Off :)
I remember going Black Friday shopping several years ago. I don't remember all of it. I do recall being extremely friendly to the evil shoppers, and them NOT appreciating my happiness whatsoever. I was fine with that. You see, I like making people happy, but if it's impossible, I am quite happy with pissing them off with my happy demeanor. Either way, I'm happy. It's their choice if they don't wanna turn that fuckin' frown upside down! Asses!
One year, I was wrapping paper shopping at Walmart with my friend Anne right around Christmas time, and our fellow piss-filled shoppers were just lovely, and full of holiday joy. Hateful stares and covered carts, the pissies holding on for dear life to their cheap-ass Bath and Body Works wanna-be $5 gift sets and Puking & Pooping Elmos, or whatever the current HOT item was! I remember being so thoroughly amused by these rotten-to-the-core Walmart folk I started to shake my wrapping paper roll (Disney Princesses... HOW did I remember that?) at them... and it didn't stop there!
When we got out to Anne's car, I proceeded to roll my window down and shake the roll as she was driving. I hope I gave some people some laughs! I'm sure most of the idiots thought I was psychotic (they're not too far off), but they didn't realize that being crazy-happy is much more enjoyable and fulfilling than being down right spiritless. Seriously, can you imagine one of those frowning fogies holding a wrapping paper roll out of the passenger side window, shaking it at passing traffic, laughing uncontrollably, and wishing the local news station was there to photograph their holiday joy? No damn way!
Christmas, and the entire holiday season (I'm quite fond of 8 Crrrrrazy Nights as well. Thank you Adam Sandler), has always been a joy to me. You see, we spend hours upon hours wrapping dozens of gifts that will be ripped apart within seconds (unless you have one of those annoying family members who just HAS to save the "gorgeous" gift wrap). And the whole decorating the tree on Christmas Eve thing? What the hell ever! My tree is up and ready to rock RIGHT NOW... I'm not going to decorate a stupid 7' tree (plus the 2 smaller ones I have) and leave it up for ONE FREAKIN' DAY! Seriously?!?! Why torture yourself? That's stupid!
One of my best friends, who shall remain nameless, once set her Christmas tree up and just never took it down. I like this idea. While I enjoy looking at the individual ornaments each year (they all have a story) and ooohing and ahhhing (or vomiting) over the memories attached to each of them, just carrying the damn plastic tree out to the shed fully decorated, and dragging it in once a year for a month or so, sounds rather appealing. And just think! There will be new ornaments each year! I'm sure creepy crawly creatures, and rodents of all types would find their way into the fake-as-snowman-poop tree. Hmmmm *pondering*...
All joking aside *manly burps* ;), I do love this time of the year. I also think it would be MUCH more spirited and fabulous if evil people would just stay home and hibernate like bears. I understand, grouchy grinches, that you don't care for holiday crowds and picked-over cheap-as-hell gifts (because the economy has screwed us all, and no one has any damn money to spend this year)... HOWEVER! It's not all about the stuff! My kids have toys in the bottom of their toy boxes I could wrap up and they would never even remember that they existed before this.. AND clothes?!? Kids don't look at clothes when they open them... they just rip them out of the box, and throw them as far away as they can to make room for MORE USED TOYS! YAY!
See, there are solutions to all of your holiday predicaments. Feel free to post questions below for holiday-inspired cheery advice. I promise to answer within a timely manner... and ALL questions will be answered BEFORE Christmas 2010.
Everyone, cheer the hell up, and Happy Holidays!