Sunday, March 29, 2009


Well, my feelings from yesterday have carried over into today. I'm okay with it. It has been so very long since I have allowed myself to feel sadness and remorse, and I'm not sure that I have ever been capable of allowing myself to drown in such a melting pot of emotions. The kids notice my tears every now and then, and wonder why I'm 'dripping.' It's impossible to explain to such complex feelings in simple words. I gaze at their concerned faces and smile through my sadness. They think I'm perfect.

I remember when I was very young, and even into my early teenage years, thinking that my mother was faultless. Although I occasionally questioned her reasoning, I took every bit of advice she offered to heart. I didn't always follow it. I was quite rebellious, and still enjoy paving my own way. I've learned from many mistakes. But most of the mistakes I have made have given me pleasure, even if just for a moment in time.

I wonder now if Mom smiled through her tears... especially knowing that her children thought she could do no wrong. I wonder if she ever had doubts and had to make decisions that could greatly affect the rest of her life. I wonder if, through her selflessness, she ever just wanted to throw in the towel and be selfish.... to do something mind-blowingly beautiful for herself.

I wonder...


  1. I know what you mean. Growing up I thought my mother was superwoman. Even now I do. I have a three year old who thinks I can do no wrong. I am glad you are okay with listening to your feelings. Sometimes we have to do this:)

  2. I'm sorry you are going through something so heartbreaking. You are in my thoughts.

  3. I'm so sad today. I'm not going to post a new entry, because it will be more of the same, and I don't want to bore anyone.
    It's just a sad time. Happiness will come again. I'm not sure when or how, but it will.
    I appreciate you responding. -Kelly